the call

[bey]

(triggering)

i just want you to know that this is not fun for me
that for hours and hours before we do this
i've been pacing the floor
biting my nails
bouncing my leg
and giving myself a million reasons
to stay home
to not call you

i just want you to know that the urge to get in my car and drive to your house
is a rolling anxiety
a tsunami
i brace myself against the waves
i hold tight and gasp for breath when the tide drops
only to go under again
and again
and again

eventually my feet slip
i'm tumbling over and over
and i call
or drive

this?
this isn't fun for me

look
see how my hands are shaking
see how i keep shaking my head and rubbing my eyes
clearing my throat
see how i look confused now
see how i jump when your hand touches my back
see how i can't look at you
how you have to turn my head to kiss me
look, see how i close my eyes
see how i'm holding my breath

i want you to know that i'm not doing this because i want to
i'm doing this because i am lost
and your handsheremouthherefasterslowerstopgo
is a lullaby to me
you lull me to sleep and i am so tired
i'm doing this because for a few blissful minutes i am nothing
i'm doing this because i'm drowning in these waves

i want you to know that this is not fun for me
and that when we are done here
i will be sick on your driveway behind my car
my body will shake the whole drive home
and when i get home i will stare at the walls

i want you to know that my choice is to never, ever see you again

i want you to know this is not fun for me
please don't be fooled
i'm not having a good time right now

i want to you know that
when we are through here
i will swear to myself never again
that the next time i feel those waves hit...
next time...
next time.

 

[Bluedogone]

Deleted

 

[victor-victim]

i have mixed feelings about your mixed feelings.

Poetry might be defined as the clear expression of mixed feelings.
~ Wystan Hugh Auden

 

[Shyshark]

I now understand so much more ... thank you for sharing with this painful poem.
(((Ben)))