The brother I never had

The brother I never had
G

Grunty1967b

Registrant
I wanted to share a mini-celebration of sorts with you guys. It was a sad recollection but I celebrate because I actually DID recall! Thats whats new to me. Im starting to feel things and although its painful I know that it is a good thing. Im regaining what was stolen from me feelings.

My little episode just snuck in last night. It was a 5 second thing at the end of a pleasant evening with my wife but it also tells me Im getting better.

We had just come out of the cinemas watching a movie and in front of me was a young boy, about 12 I guess, and he was carrying his younger brother (I assume) on his back as a piggy back.

I sort of got triggered, but as my T encouraged me to do (when I can) I stayed with the moment and thought about it and what it was that had triggered me. Then, it struck me. In this setting I saw my brother and myself, except this was never anything brotherly that my brother would do. He would never do any kind, caring or bonding type of stuff with me. The further away from him I was the better, except when he wanted to use me for sex and abuse me. Even then it was short-lived. Once satisfied hed then glare at me with contempt and distance himself from me.

Anyway, I digress. This affected me as I thought of the sadness I felt that I never had this type of relationship with my brother. This was the brother I never had.

Sad, but progress for me nonetheless.
 
Grunty,

Yes, a sad recollection, but clearly one that was important to you. We do need to see things as they really were, even if the memories hurt.

Another good thing I see in this is that perhaps it will help you to see how one-sided the relationship with your brother was. It was all about him and what he wanted, his power over you: an ability to get what he wanted and then discard you. He was in control; nothing that happened can be blamed on you.

Much love,
Larry
 
Grunty, I saw something similar while sitting in a shopping mall watching hundreds of Christmas shoppers pass by.

It looked like a 5 year old and a 12-14 year old - obviously brothers, talking, telling jokes and the older one holding the younger one's hand.
Very safe, very loving.

It made me good to see that sense of brotherly love in front of me.

I didn't have that with any of my family members, but it was wonderful to see two who did.
 
Grunty, its a credit to your sensitivity that you can appreciate a healthy brotherly relationship when you see it, and recognize that you missed having that. I'll bet you'd make a great brother.
Peace, Andrew
 
Grunty,

I too have had those very kind of moments. Not necessarily about the same thing but just a passing coment from someone about something or other, or seeing something will trigger that reaction you described. I never experienced anything like that for the best part of 40 years.

It feels so good to be able to feel! Welcome to that world friend. Looks like you've had a big breakthrough.

I send you my thoughts and prayers as the journey continues.

Lots of love,

John
 
Grunty,

how many of us could say the exact same thing!

I had a massive row with my abusive brother, and told him not talk to me ever again, he gave me the same abusive look that is burnt into my mind.

Next day, no apologies, but he says we need to talk, I dont think so, I ignored him.

I told my younger brother who is like a twin to me, that my older brother has gone past abusing me full stop, and he is very subtle in doing it.

He ruined my life as a kid, and I could not be in the same space as him, trouble is, I love him, but he does not know how to be a brother, and he was always protective, yet he hurt me so much so far back.

I have a stronger mind than he has, but it is pretty weak also, because I mask my feelings towards him, but he knows that he abused me, and my family.

I had to be strong since I was age 10yo, when he should have been a kid, and lost relationships, both love and friends because of his toxic remarks, yet he forgets all of that.

Can he forget when I did everything for him, cooking, doing his chores, shopping etc.,etc., I dont think so, but I still love him, and if he is man enough he will see why I hurt.

ste
 
I wanted to share a mini-celebration of sorts with you guys. It was a sad recollection but I celebrate because I actually DID recall! Thats whats new to me. Im starting to feel things and although its painful I know that it is a good thing. Im regaining what was stolen from me feelings.
Click to expand...
It's nice that you got some of your feelings back and that you were able to process them with an "adult" mind. Whenever I seem to have feelings come up, I start to dissociate and numb out. It really gives me encouragement to hear about other survivors who allow themselves to feel the pain and heal from it.

Thank you for sharing,
Scotty
 
I can't imagine what it would be like to not know for sure what happened, dragging like an invisible anchor. We all at some time had an anchor holding us down, visible or not. I'm happy you are closer to closure.
 
Grunty,

I can relate to this. Whenever i see an older brother with a younger I feel reel empty inside and i wished it was my brother an myself.

I know how hard it is.

H.I
 
Grunty, my experience is not quite the same, but similar. I was shopping and not thinking a thing about my abuse. I walked around a corner and there was a small statue of a father holding his son. I burst into tears right there in the store.
What a shock that was. It's moments like that and yours with the two boys that let us know how close the emotions connected with our abuse are to the surface even when we're not thinking about that part of our lives at all. But I think those sudden reactions are so genuine and real that they help us in the way nothing else can to understand how hurt we really are.

Bobby
 
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