The Boy Who Never Was

[zookeeper]

I would like you to meet my very unusual friend.

He dresses for school or work, but he never arrives. His body attends but his mind is drawn away to the people and places lost in his long ago.

His face has changed through the years. His voice deepened,
but it has been silenced by the hands that inflicted so much pain.

There are pictures of him at age 5 and 9, but you'll find no memories of him laughing with joy or being at play.

He has always doubted and was doubted. He always worked and was worked.
Born too late into a place where he was never welcomed, he never grew up but simply marked time.

So my friend exists, but does not live. His heart beats, but his spirit has died.
Allow me introduce you to the boy that never was.

 

[Ceremony]

I write, it's what I want to do. I'll get to some emotions. Hope you're Ok fellow survivor/s.

I'm glad your words are poking holes into the infliction. Someday it's possible, enough caring people, or whatever will get us past the anger. I must say, it's probably one of my biggest deals.

I own the above, not projecting it onto you zookeeper. It's more my hope you're giving the pain a smack back? My metaphor today, to use "smack" is in line with the anger I don't yet have a means to release.

Being a victim, having the Therapist bring up "victim mentality" right away in my first session, and my wife always telling me not to have a victim mentality, stirs me. It's like? I'm a victim and those assholes have always gotten away with it. The rapist, the molester, the bully, the kid and my dad who both punched me in the face, so, yeah, I'm angry.

Ok, so, the prose you wrote show being alone, ignored and dismissed. Dismissed being the same as doubted to me. That makes me angry for you. I don't act out, I don't push any anger on others, but I do show irritation some times. Recently I got made in public. I confronted a man and his group for their words I was not accepting. It offended me and I said F that. The man got mad, I got mad, but it settled down quick. Both of us felt it escalated too fast, so both of us calmed down. I'm a really big guy, but I'm not a really strong guy. I have size.

I don't stick up for myself and I do have a lot of examples where I've been a scapegoat. So, anyway...

I caught on to the prose you wrote. I know it see. We have different cause, but similar thoughts and history. My poems here are truth. History of the actions in my life. I see that here. I think it works very good here.

This cleared up some thoughts for me, this typing just now, was good for thinking. And if I want to, I can reference what this is. Thanks for taking the time to write your truth.

 

[zookeeper]

Ceremony

I have never felt that I was a child and anger is a big issue for me. Like you, I'm working on not having the victim mentality.
The people who molested me, neglected me, burned me, raped me, strangled me, drowned me deserve my anger, but you cant interact with dead people. I try hard to direct my anger correctly, but Im not always successful. I have the habit of directing my anger at myself and in the end, Im all I have left to be angry at.

Thanks Ceremony, your posts and comments are very helpful.
Your friend
Zoo

 

[Shyshark]

I only wish that I was with you to give you a real one of these ...

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( zoo )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[zookeeper]

Sharky
It is received and very much needed this am.
(((((((Shyshark))))))))))
Zoo

 

[jaw]

Awesome piece of poetry Zoo!!! Hi Ceremony & Sharky!!

 

[zookeeper]

Thank you my friend

 

[KMCINVA]

Zookeeper

Well said. I remember my journey to find the child. I learned that child, like you so eloquently said, was stuck in time, in a place the rest of me wanted nothing to do with. I disowned that part of me. However, that part of me always traveled with me, disrupting my life, wreaking havoc in ways I did not know.

As we begin to accept that child within, we begin to see and feel the pain that we long ago buried, so we thought but it was always with us. We see how that part of us only wanted love, to be accepted. I did not accept this part of me and I know the damage it did to me. Today, I have accepted the child and the inner conflict has slowed. I see the child as me today and not as I use to call this part "it".

Yes, I see the pain in the child's face, the on going smiles to hide the truth and pain.

You poem says a million thoughts in so little words. Thank you and it helps me to reflect on my life, the child's life within. I did learn the boy that never was, was with me my entire life, but I chose not to let him be.

Kevin

 

[Shyshark]

I don't know if you guys have read my poem 'Ode to my Avatar' ... it's an old poem recently revived to the forum next to this one.
I was a strong proponent of the inner child so when I found the pic that is my Avatar I cried off and on for days.
I really did exist! My life didn't begin at 6 when they stuck me in a line at school and took a pic of the first grade kids.
That little guy has had a profound affect on me and it has been a remarkable reversal of my opinion of him.
He was just a little boy ... nothing more ... nothing less ... and not what was done to him.
I don't feel as though I went and rescued him ... I feel that I went back and brought him home with me.

Sharky

 

[zookeeper]

Sharky
I did read that and its very nice work. 5 year old Brian is down in there but he needs a lot more kindness from me than I have ever given him. I know that has to change.
Thanks for the word
Brian

 

[zookeeper]

Thanks Kevin. I think little Brian and little Kevin would have been friends. Maybe someday we will be whole again.
ZK