The Body Screams *TRIGGERS*

The Body Screams *TRIGGERS*
The body screams and the mind backs it up. How do I maintain control?


*************TRIGGERS*********************







Months of dreaming and reliving my abandonment by those who used me and those who said they loved me, a loop of hurtful parting words, waking up to feeling unloved. Night after over and over all night long, self-torture with lies.
Last nights dream was the worse because it was someone new, someone I don't even know, and doesn't exist. It was a chance for love, it was powerful and real. There was joy, there was the chase, there was the look in the eyes saying you are someone special to me, there was the hope of a new healing love and life. Then I wake up and it was a dream, not real at all.

Now the body is screaming, every fiber says act out, go to porn then find people to have sex with, go and do what you are only good for, and the brain backs it up. My whole body is in pain, my whole skin is trying to move me to act and act now. I can't do that I can't destroy what I have healed but the need for even the shallowest of approval by acting out is screaming at me, you need this you have to have this. Fuck I have never had this happen, why is it happening now, why are my body and mind my betrayers!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Sounds like a totally horrible place to be.
I know that screaming voice.
I know the message.
I know the suffering.
I also know the truth, that scream is a lie.
Knowing it, even saying it, doesn't change the message I receive.
40+ years later, the screaming, the suffering, the message, all are still here with me in my soul.
I'm listening brother
 
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