The Big D (triggers possibly...or not)

The Big D (triggers possibly...or not)
A

ARW

Registrant
Well my wife and I are finally calling it quits. Bout fourteen and a half years. Lots of emotions roiling around in this survivor's head, but we're very close friends, love each other a lot, and our son, and it will be a civil dissolution.

hard not to blame yourself when you've had a lot of SA and know what that's done to the relationship; the confusion, resentment, intimacy and sexual issues, etc. But it takes two to tango and she's got major intimacy issues too, or she couldn't have stuck it out this long. I suppose all long term relationships have an element of disfunctional co-dependency to them (apologies to the die hard Catholics ;>) and in so many ways we both feel intensely liberated by this process we now face. Not to say it isn't terribly hard and sad, because it is. I'm going through crying jags every other hour. But it's been a good run. And it's time to move on, for both of us.

We survivors have such intense feelings of abandonment, of terror of being left, or alone, and it's a monumental lesson I'm now facing, to move into this territory as a man, for the first time in my life. It's nauseatingly frightening and wonderful and exhilerating all at once.

Just wanted to share. Hell, I needed to share this with you guys. And will probably continue to post as I ride this rollercoaster over the next few months. Most of the time I'm pretty level, been in good therapy for a few years now and have a better foundation of inner strength to work from than ever before. And then sometimes I'm that frightened and furious little kid who feels abandoned and discarded. Guess that never really goes away. Though it has filled me with a new resolve, once the dust has settled on this chapter with my wife, to go after the perp and take legal action against him. It's time.

love you guys,

Alex
 
Alex,

It always saddens me when I see one of the guys, my friends, going through this process. Like there's this unfinished business that if it could be finished then this wouldn't be happening, so we try and we try and we can never get it done, and no matter how much we love, or how much we care, it's still going to happen like the train wreck we can see coming but can't stop.

I'm sorry, Bro. It sounds as if you're at least in a place where you can weather the storm. I'm glad of that. You know of course that you have your friends here to listen and support.

Take care, My Friend.

Lots of love,

John
 
Hi Alex, you said,
We survivors have such intense feelings of abandonment, of terror of being left, or alone, and it's a monumental lesson I'm now facing, to move into this territory as a man, for the first time in my life. It's nauseatingly frightening and wonderful and exhilarating all at once.
Click to expand...
Sounds like a lot of what I am facing in my own marriage, I don't want to admit that I got married for all the wrong reasons.

Take care,
Clifford
 
Clifford, what I'm trying to say is that there are no "right or wrong" reasons. Any relationship has issues. I would love to have been with my wife forever, but it wouldn't have been good for either of us. That's not to say it can't work for some, as it has, and there are many survivors here with great and lasting marriages. I for one fully intend to be married again one day, and be that much better at it for this experience.

best,

Alex
 
Alex,

I think the most important thing in a relationship is honesty, and if both sides have tried their best and still can't make it work, then the best course of action for them is to face this fact honestly. After all, what's the alternative? Stick with a failed relationship that can only deteriorate further?

I hope you can focus on this point, that what you are doing is the best thing for both of you. It will be great if you two can remain friends, and certainly that will help your son get through this.

You certainly have all our support and good thoughts here Alex. I hope you will feel able to talk, vent, whatever, as and when you need to do that.

Much love,
Larry
 
I agree. Noble as it may sound on its face, the idea of "staying together for the kids' sake" is really a very bad idea, all told. If you've got to get divorced, I believe you're going about it exactly the right way, minimizing the damage to everyone involved.
 
I Read once Somewhere it is Better To Loved Once Than Never Loved At All...I Never Got Married Or Anything...Never Experianced Having Childern...Or Any Of That Stuff..I Couldnt Get Close To People
 
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. Tennyson. Good words.
 
ARW,

It is always an emotionally charged experience to go through a divorce, but I'm not sure it's a matter of "loved and lost", as Tennyson puts it. You are still good friends, as you say, and your years together gave you the incredible gift of your son.

Much love,
Larry
 
my first wife left me for her boss. i wish that we were perfect, and could choose the perfect mate every time. unfortunately, as people grow and change, sometimes a relationship cannot survive it. i am sorry you two didnt, but there is life after divorce. i hope you find a happy and fulfilling life after. take care, and my prayers are with you.

jeff
 
Thanks guys. And Larry I agree, just wanted to correct the quote ;>

we really love each other and I believe always will. It was a very strong bond, she's my best friend. Which at the same time makes it crushing and hopeful. And we're very dedicated parents so that too will hopefully help.

Thanks for all your words guys.

Alex
 
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