the battle

[tone]

well another day is starting . I never realised until now that over much of my life, my outlook on life had been a passive one. I did not make things happen but things just happen around me or to me emotionally speaking. I am here as an observer of my own life with this stranger living inside. Sometimes a monster , and sometimes the one I think is me.
So many conflicting states of mind, urges, needs, impulses , all revolving around sex, the need to belong, love and inner peace.
It was easier when I was on driking binges or stoned , it made it easier to join all those parts of me together.
I want to rest! I want to stop fighting with myself all the time!
I want to make love to my wife, naturally, not like I am reading instructions manual on the mechanics of copulation.
I was thinking back to my younger years when I was playing rugby in school and I had to go through initiation and my team mates cornered me in the shower and shaved my entire body. I froze like a deer, I wasn't there at all. I don't blame them , I don't have a tattoo that says abused on my forehead, then they got me wasted on beer. My coach was the one who took care of me that night. He brought me to his house as a sex toy for him and his wife. there goes the trust again. Is there something about me that says "FREE SEX".
That was pretty much the end of sports for me . I don't play or watch any sports anymore.
The funny thing is, a lot of my team mates knew what was going on with the coach and i suspect they probably had the same experience i did.
Enough for now.

 

[zadok1]

Boy, I know the daily struggle to balance things. I know the weariness that comes from having to constantly be on guard against loosing some sort of delicate balance. On one hand you are a father and husband, and need to do all the things to care for those, and on the other, you are tired and need to care for yourself. You fight all of this stuff everyday, and tell yourself this is better, this is healthier. You know you need to do these things, and yet all you want to do is rest. If you rest though, you know all the unhealthy stuff will come rushing back in, and youll be right back where you were. Its like holding on by your fingernails, and it gets old. In the end, we have no choice but to hang on, and keep wobbling forward the best we can, tired and unsure.

 

[outis]

Boy, I know the daily struggle to balance things. I know the weariness that comes from having to constantly be on guard against loosing some sort of delicate balance. On one hand you are a father and husband, and need to do all the things to care for those, and on the other, you are tired and need to care for yourself. You fight all of this stuff everyday, and tell yourself this is better, this is healthier. You know you need to do these things, and yet all you want to do is rest. If you rest though, you know all the unhealthy stuff will come rushing back in, and youll be right back where you were.

I know that feeling so damn well. I was writing to myself about it last night. I was reading the first section ("Early Recovery") of "Leaping Upon the Mountain" and thinking about how nice it would be to go somewhere "safe" and work all this stuff out once and for all. (That's not what's in the book, btw. Just what I started wishing for.)

I have been so damn tired for so damn long, first because I worked so hard to keep the memories at bay, abusing myself in the process, and now because I am trying to "recover" while I keep up the "real world" activities, husband, father, worker, etc. Yet closing my eyes at night is the worst part of every day.

I still take it on faith that something, somehow, sometime, is going to get better if I keep working on it. I can't define any of the some...s, and I don't really know what "better" looks like. But I gotta keep going, can't go back, can't stand still. And maybe someday, I will get to rest.

Venting. Sorry.

Joe

 

[James_dup1]

Hello Tone,
Funny I could have written this post myself.

So many conflicting states of mind, urges, needs, impulses , all revolving around sex,

Isnt it hard to understand just what is real and what isnt. The daily strugles we go through, it seems that sex controlls my life. The things that goes through my mind.

the need to belong, love and inner peace.

How I long just be part of something normal. But have no idea how to fit in with any crowd. I dont fit in with men, Im scared all they want is sex from me. I dont fit in with women, scared they are going to hurt me and turn there back on me.

I want to make love to my wife, naturally, not like I am reading instructions manual on the mechanics of copulation.

God to be able to do this. Right now I can make love to my wife without seeing my abuser's. I cant be touched sexualy without freaking out. And when I do, you hit the nail on the head. It's like reading instructions. My wife and I havent made love in two months. I just cant stop seeing my abuser's when I try.

Is there something about me that says "FREE SEX".

This I also know. How many male friends I've had that say there straight but end up wanting sex with me. And I give it to them, I figured thats all Im good for. SEX!!!! Thats all men want from me...SEX!!!

Tone...please know your not alone in this. I understand how your feeling. If your tired my brother take some time to rest. Take some time for you. If your burning out your not doing you or your family any good. Just be good to you tone.

I'm not sure if this helps any, I just had to let you know I understand how your feeling my brother, be good to you.

James