The accidentel ranting

The accidentel ranting
A

Aden

Registrant
Maybe some of you could explain to me why I have never been right. I am intelligent, educated, well informed and open minded. But I am never right. There has got to be a glitch in here somewhere.

Pretending not to care is impossible. I am not always wrong about everything. Sometimes my feelings, and well studied opinions do count. But that is not how I experience it in my relationships. While I attempt to remain calm and rational, even my closest friends become verbally abusive at the hint of contradiction.

Am I really stupid? Have I chosen the wrong friends? The last time it happened I just stood up and told my friend that he was being abusive and that I wasnt interested in continuing the conversation. That put a strain on the relationship for a few minuets. Then he insisted on explaining where he was coming from ( in highly emotional terms) and I, out of self defense, became solicitous.

When does what I think and feel start to matter? Do I have to abandon my friends and family before I am free to be myself? I do not want to leave behind all of the people I love, but sometimes I question why I love them. I never know when someone is going to look down their nose with disdain and refuse to speak to me, or pound their fist on the table as they accuse me of being a f**king liar.

The egg shells get thinner every day. I try to build a wall of separation and the assaults become more frequent and unexpected. More and more often I find myself forced to apologies for the good things. When attacked, it is my fault for perceiving an attack. When insulted, it is simply because I am overly internalizing. Gee, I thought being called a f**king liar was an insult. I thought being treated with contempt was insulting.

Why is it my responsibility to forgive but not theirs to apologize? What makes me wrong and them right?

I know that I have to be my own champion. But I was raised to always take second place. To every one. My mom explained to me when I was very young that every one else got what they wanted and I had to give up my favorite stuff was because she loved me best. Her love was worth all the sacrifice ( in her mind anyway!) I had to be a mature adult at 7 while the invaders robbed me and at 9 when they started to rape me. Complaints were not allowed.

Man! I am so pissed off that I am going to stop writing now, before I start typing things that I do not want read.

No, I am going to say this. If being loved means that you always have to take second best and suffer the abuses of blind neglect, than I dont want to be loved. A mothers love, under those circumstances, is worse than useless.

Yes, I know that every one has their own problems. She had hers. He had his. Now, I have mine.

And I am still that child who wants an out. God please help me!

Wow. That went somewhere that I didnt mean it to go. But I will share it with you anyway. Take it as you will.

Aden
 
Aden,
You asked about finding new freinds and turning away from your family before your feelings would start to be valadated. I cant tell you what to do in your life, but thats what I had to do. I had to find all new friends and give up on my family ever "getting" it. I had to search out the kind of people who would not brush me off just because I thought something different than they did. I wish you the best of luck on your journey. I will say in closing that from reading your post you are not a stupid person. And anyone who tells you so or makes you feel so has issues of there own they are projecting to you.

James
 
Aden,

Nobody is never right. Just like nobody is always right.

I agree, pretending to not care is impossible. And people can see that. They can tell when you care and when you really dont care. Then there is that group of people that like to exploit the caring nature of other people. That shouldnt make you want to stop caring. Caring is a basis of a civilized society. Without caring, the world would be entire chaos and not worth a damn thing.

I have a long history of just surrounding me with people and then calling them friends. This isnt friendship. There have been bad people in there and there have been some very good people. The problem I didnt know how to sort them out and tell what is good and what is bad. My low self-esteem had me attaching to the bad and being leery of the good. There is bad judgement at its finest.

Ive been in heated debates. Point/counter-point discussions can get very heated when the two sides really stand firm on their points and beliefs. These heated debates can take a lot out of us, but arent abusive, until someone steps over the line and leaves the debate and pulls a personal punch or something along those lines. If it does that, it went from a debate to an attack. I have an ex-wife that would turn a question of what I was making for dinner into a personal attack. It is people like those that we must separate ourselves from. They are abusive.

The short answer is to surround yourself with good people. Good friends.

Are they there and the connection needs to be made? Some of the existing needs to be sorted out of your life? These are questions only you can answer. I cant think of a reason why a friend would pound their fist on the table calling you a f**king liar. Maybe there is, but I surely cant think of one. Attacks such as that can really undermine the confidence in your decisions. Decisions of who and who is not your friend, amongst others.

Right is right. Wrong is wrong. And then there are the grey areas. Forgiveness is a personal thing. Not easily given and something that needs to be earned. Apologies range from genuine to just words tossed out in a lame effort to appease. Forgiveness isnt something that you are ever mandated to do. It is entirely up to you, and without remorse on the other end, it becomes hard to give.

It all comes down to one thing and one thing only. What do you want? No matter what you decide, be honest with yourself and be true to yourself. You cant go wrong.

Take care,
Bill
 
Hey Aden

I am like yourself new to the board, you write some good stuff.

Good! Nothing is good about csa but it is a burden we share as brothers, it's not a place to be sometimes when you read what other people write, but when you spend years alone with your thoughts and all the mental baggage it brings, it is nice to know that you have journeyed down similar roads to the people who write here, only the ones who have been affected really know what problems we face.

It's hard to be strong, sometimes we can and other times it consumes us, we all react to life in different ways.

I take it your workmates don't know what went on, it is typical to snap at workmates simply because,"they don't know what's going on".

Don't forget, they haven't been subjected to it, but they have their own probs, you think, quite rightly, so what, you're probs can never be as bad as mine, this is where you need to address your attitude, don't worry, I still do it, but you must respect the feelings of others.

Stay in the group, there is a lot of anguish and hurt, but equally if we spend our thoughts with each other, mwybe we can see the way forward.

You need the support of the group just as I need it, I thought I was going mad before I came here, I have read a lot of stories about other peoples' experiences, and it gives me a sense of togetherness.

The inner child constantly cries from within asking why me? workmates don't know how to handle this, I try to be a good listener to other people and help them out with their probs, leaving mine hidden.

We hide so much for good reason from those we love, those we work with, those we meet, we all walk through life, it's what we meet through life that makes us stand out, or hide our feelings.

No kid should ever get to the stage, where in adult life their feelings and past should be suppressed, but as we know, we are not going to shout to our mates, about how our past has been so tainted by this shit, sadly most of us live a life of covering up a f*cked up childhood, but hopefully we can recover.

Look deep inside, you don't go through this for nothing, but share other peoples hurt, csa can cause so many probs, no other can be there exept you and us who have been there.

PM if you want

ste
 
Aden,
It seems to me, just my personal opinion, that your "friends" are a herd of assholes. If they will not support you, f*ck them! You deserve better than that.

I am sorry about your shitty upbringing! Life can be unfair to us. THeir is nothing I can say that is brilliant enough to ease your worries and wipe your fears and pain away. All I can say is I am here for you, if you need. SImply send me a PM, and I will get back to you as quickly as I can.
Peace my brother,
Casey
 
Aden
consider this thought -
You aren't stupid, the way you post here shows us that, and you say so yourself. So let's accept that.

But during a 'discussion' a friend thumps the table and calls you a "f*****g liar!"

Maybe you have always been an intelligent guy, you say that you have a decent education etc so that's a fair assumption.
But because of the all the low self-esteem, self-worth issues that we suffer as Survivors we don't use all of our potential, we dumb down.
We do it because because we are conditioned to do just that. So our circle of 'friends' meets that criteria. We mix with them because we feel safe at their level.

Then we start on really surviving and healing,
We learn all this new stuff about ourselves, all these new techniques of self improvement that enable us to rebuild our self-esteem and worth.
We are moving on, but our friends are most likely at the standstill they have been at for a good while. ( that's not a bad thing or a criticism, just the way it is )
You then become an outsider to the 'level' that the friendship is based upon, you have the good ideas, you win the arguments. The whole dynamic of the friendship changes, sometimes dramatically.

Many of my old friends stayed standing still while I moved on. They are still friends, we haven't fallen out or anything. But I see a lot less of them now, and a lot more of my new friends that I now feel comfortable with.

Take a step back and see what the friendship is based upon, and it might shock you.

Dave
 
Aden,

The experiences and events that contribute to the formulation and conditioning of our perceptions and our persons are extremely complex. It is nearly impossible to determine where to begin to unpack stuff, huh?

What I feel most coming from your communication is the severe frustration at being frustrated with life as it is for you.

When I began my recovery process over 20 years ago, I knew that what I had to do was place distance between myself and those who would perpetuate the myths I held as truth. My communication with them always resulted in emotionally heated circular discussions much like the ones you describe. No healing could take place under those circumstances, so I had to move on. Eventually, after a time of consistently choosing validating situations, I was able to create space in my head where I could build self-esteem that did not depend on anyone else agreeing. I think this is how most of us build a sense of well-being, by choosing persons places and things that will bring out our better selves.

I am not suggesting that this is the solution for you, but you yourself may have suggested it, according to the signature that you've chosen:

The first step to wisdom is the realization of ones own ignorance.
Click to expand...
When I read a person's signature, I take it as a sort of thesis statement that identifies a value system lying at the foundation of who they are. I think you chose it because you believe it; you are gradually veering your life's boat in that direction, one way, by being here, and also, by giving yourself permission to share your deepest emotions with all of us here. You are furthering your ability to trust, by doing that.

At any rate, whatever actions you take that cause you to turn a new corner in life, be comforted in the fact that you are not alone, and now, you can rely on your new friend family at MS to help you find and shape your own unique voice and viewpoint.

All the best,

Ron
 
Aden,

I do not think you stupid. I have read some posts and responses by you here already,and I like how you use words, and appreciate how you express your opinion.

No one is always 'right' or 'wrong'. Maybe due to your abuse, you are an easy target for bullies? Adult ones, yes, they do exist! People who will argue with you and put you down regardless? Because you feel wrong from the past, that you anticipate to be wrong now? I am not sure, it is just thought. I hope that as time goes on, you are able to feel better about your qualities. I am sure others have wiser responses for you. I hope some of it hellps.

Good luck
Leosha
 
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