The Abuser (this one will create painful thoughts)

The Abuser (this one will create painful thoughts)
T

time2heal

Registrant
My father who molested me is still alive. Over the last 15 years since my parents divorced and after I was kicked out by my father at 17 years old I have seen him maybe five times. Most of those instances were forced upon me by realtives including the last time which was august of last year. I have not disclosed the abuse information to anyone in my family at all. Does anyone let this happen beside me? My preference of course is avoidence but without disclosure to my family how do I remain sane? I know some are thinking this will not work I have to shake the world up even in my family. Stop protecting the abuser I know someone is yelling at the computer. In august my wife was adamant about not letting him stop by as he drove through town. She of course wanted to protect me and our 9 month old son. I was pushed by his mother to allow the visit. Two things happened that day. I saw a frail old man whose past crushed him with worry and hate of himself and being found out. This man is in need of forgiveness I thought. My other thought of course was good you got what you deserved you bastard. I let him leave without discussion or forgiveness. I have not talked to him since either. Has anyone struggled with this issue?
 
yeah cant decide which one they need a hug or a bullet to the brain, i could go either way .
shadow
 
time2heal......my abuser was my uncle....for about 10 years....he was always around while i was a teen and into my thirties....i never spoke to him about it..i just accepted it and all of my problems and didn't say a word.....i was so screwed up that i didn't even know how what he did affected me...until he was dead and i had gone through drug addiction and all of the other problems abuse can cause.....thankfully i had some kind of survival instinct and straightened myself out..i always wonder what wou;ld have happened if, after therapy what would have happened if i confronted him....if i would be able to control the rage....i literall threatened to kill him if he ever touched me again the last itme he abused me....he was a monster and i can truly say that i am happy he is dead....more because he is not able to abuse others...i am sure i was not the only one....he would boast about his conquests......when i finally told my parents....there was a moment of complete silence and then complete denial immediately set in as my mother stated that we were going to have roast chicken for dinner........it was never discussed again...i think i have a lot of anger toward my parents for not protecting me.....and as you said, what i see now are two frail old people......my feeling is that no perpetrator deserves a free ride and love or forgiveness...sorry if that sounds mean and unsensitive..but that is how i feel....steve
 
I think that maybe I need to add more details.

I ended the abuse when I was 14 or 15 because one day he came into my room and tried and I just said NO repeatedly in a defiante manner. No matter what he said for control I said NO until he left. It never happened again. I scared him that day because he thought I might let it out. I took control from my abuser.
When my parents divorced I was 16. I was in high school my junior year and I decided to live with my father while my mother moved out. I did this because I had lived in this home for 5 years had friends around liked my school ect. not because I wanted to there with him.
The day I was kicked out is very crisp in my mind.
I was dating a girl who I disclosed to the 1st person ever. My father was having some sort of bad day and he accused me of something I did not do. He ranted about this issue and I told him to go fuck himself. He did not like my defiance and hit me. I in a rage went outside in the backyard and started to tear a basketball hoop out of the ground with my bare hands to deal with this rush of emotion. He came out grabbed me by the hair from the backside and yanked me off my feet and threw me onto the concrete. He went back onto the porch to have high ground and I got up and demanded we finish it right now. He of course was a coward and wanted no piece of the rage I had right then. I knew had he came down I would have killed him. Before I left through my tears I told him I know what you did to me as a little boy. I left after that and he changed the locks ect. I did that to take control from him and get revenge so he could live in fear, fear of being found out, fear of my rage. Days later I showed up with the police to get my belongings he was almost tearful because he thought I had brought them to arrest him. I instead just wanted my belongings. I wanted him to suffer with that fear and made sure he did for a very long time. Now he is an old frail man and I believe I caused it which of course is fine by me. One thing my T asked me this week was do you think he was abused. I know he was emotionally and probably physically by my grandfather but not sure about sexually. I don't know if this helps in the understanding of me and my question but it felt good to release that too.
 
Yes it is time 2heal, it is also time to move on, by setting yourself free from your fathers influence, by that mean all the anger and resentment that you feel inside.

When I forgave my abusers it was not for them but it was for me, I didnt want any memory of them in my life and every experience I had with them was over for me!


SO when I forgave,I chucked everything about them OUT of my life, and set myself free.
 
T2H:
Check out this article regarding disclosure and confrontation.
https://www.malesurvivor.org/Survivors/Adult%20Survivors/Articles/singer3.htm

The interactions you describe sound like you might have a good chance to do a successful confrontation at some point. You have already seen that he is not the powerful abuser he once was and the reality is that you have much more power now.

I have been helping with a confrontation (by letter) by a young man who has been corresponding with his uncle who abused him 10 years ago. The uncle has been responding appropriatly, validating the nephew's experience. He has not made excuses (although the nephew corrected him when he made statements about "us having sex" - "no, you molested me" and other statements that needed a reality check.) This process can be done with your therapist, should you decide to do this.

The article can give your therapist some direction on this and if s/he wants to contact me for more info or suggestions, s/he can reach me at [email protected]

Ken
 
Thank you, Ken

I have had 2 sessions with my T. My wife goes with me as we orignally wanted marrage counseling but he is listed as an abuse councilor as well. His pace is slower than I desire and I know he is building a profile. I have with my wife given him 95% of the information he needs for a profile in the last two sessions. I am a workaholic and pace myself much faster than most for recovery.
I have since Monday 3/20/06 spent probably 24 hours reading through, writing, responding and PM"s with members to get the answers I need. I do this for me of course as I have avoided everything related to my abuse for so long. I am ready to be healthy again. The last few days I have gotten answers that have made me feel some self love again, dispersed a lot of anger, forced shame to dissipate, and my worst the guilt to start to decrease rapidly. I credit the members here with my jumpstart to recovery. I know that my life has meaning again and I have not felt so clear minded ever before.

had to edit my spelling was awful
 
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