That Which was Stolen from Us.

That Which was Stolen from Us.
*****triggers*****

Adam,

Your heartbreaking post add the cruel details to what I mean when I talk about the three things I lost. Your honesty challenges me to think about some of these details and what I thought at the time:

Hugs from my Dad: These will end when he finds out and throws me out, like the abuser says he will if I tell.

Kisses from my Mom: Why doesn't she see what's happening to me?

First dog: If I tease her and make her life miserable Mr **** will stop threatening to run her over unless I do what he wants.

Caring for my sister: I hope she's not the one who finds my body.

First vampire flick: I bleed like that too.

First hunting knife: I can cut my wrists with this.

First communion: Mr **** already gives me that.

First time holding a girl's hand: She must feel how dirty I am.

First ejaculation: Tears. Mr **** says this means I like it.

First caress from a girl: Not there. I'm gonna be sick.

Camping: What if Mr **** knows where we are and drags me away in the night.

First experience with death (grandfather): God did this because he hates me.

First kiss from a girl: No "old" taste.

First oral sex from a girl: I do this better than she does.

Stargazing with astronomy class: The teacher brought me here to fuck me.

First real job: He hired me so he can fuck me.

First time making love to a girl: No feelings. At all.
 
Yes, a painful post for sure. It does feel better to get this stuff out of the sealed vault where they are kept secret for so long though.

The chance to be "normal".
The ability to feel.
The ability to be emotional.
The ability to place my happiness above others.
The ability to connect, on an emotional level.
The almost total inability to remember even being a child.

And to think that he took all this away, without me even knowing pisses me off the most. I should have known, and so should someone else!!
 
Oh god, Larry... You should have put a SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING on that one... You HAD to reming me. The names have been changed and a couple of the details, but you've poked your finger sharply into my deepest regrets. That Son Of A Bitch! Arrrrghhh!

Sorry, I think I've had all I can take tonight... Sometimes just coming here can be so painful...

Laz
 
ugh...i cant stop crying....
 
All which has been said: Innocence, trust, self-worth, ambition, confidence.

Funny, though: I think the thing I most regret is not having that wonderful, innocent "first love" and to have really explored intimacy and sexuality healthily as an adolescent.
 
OK. . .I know this is "Off-Topic", but when I said what had been stolen, my mind just automatically also went to what I've gained.

What I've gained is perspective.

I know it's doesn't matter a damn what kind of house I live in, or car I drive, or how expensive my clothes are.

What matters is how I treat my daughters; my wife; my dogs. What matters is what kind of world we leave for future generations.

Without the trauma and abuse, I'm not sure my priorities would have been the same.
 
I WANT MY CHILDHOOD BACK...THE ONE THEY STOLE FROM ME....
 
Wow definately a tough thread.

Lost was the right to not look at caring, compassion, trust, intimacy, sexuality with disgust. Funny eh, all the good things in life, so I've heard.

At the start of the summer of 86' I had my first girlfriend, my first kiss, my first time holding hands. It was magical. I felt like I could do anything and life was going to get better and better. I felt alive and free and ready to explore the world. By the end of that summer I would hate life, hate myself, hate the world. I would be ashamed of my body, ashamed of my sexuality, ashamed that I could ever want what my assaulter wanted. It leaves a bitter taste that I had only a few fleeting months to grow up they way I was supposed to before it was all ripped away. Lost = everything, I lost me.

I'm going to get it back, I didn't die I just fell into a coma for 20 years. I feel like I'm waking up and maybe, just maybe a little of that magic is still left out there somewhere waiting for me.

Stay strong
Mike
 
I hear you Mike...

I lost the innocence a child is supposed to have. When my friends were out playing football, I was inside screwing my best friend. When they went camping, I went looking for someplace where I could have sex outdoors. They did all the usual things that teenagers do, I always did it for sex. Hell, I joined the theater group because a guy gave me a blowjob behind the sets one day, and i figured there must be more where that came from.

My adolescent and teenage years were obsessed with sex. I lost the chance to see the rest of what was going on.

Sorry to say,

Lazarus
 
Good point Adam. Many of my 'firsts' were stolen too, and replaced with a long list of 'nevers.'

What was stolen:

A normal perspective of male-female relationships
My self-confidence / self-worth
The chance to desire a wife
The chance to have a family of my own
 
Ric,

Lazarus said:
Oh god, Larry... You should have put a SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING on that one
Click to expand...

Yes, you are absolutely right. Thanks for reminding me and sorry I failed to think of that. I was just so tired last night. Anyway, I have added the warning now.

L.
 
What was stolen:

-The comfort of innocent physical contact.

-The ability to trust and connect with other people.

-Innocence

What I gained:

-The instinct to flinch and pull away when I'm touched.

-A giant wall between me and the world, equipped with machine gun posts and barbed wire.

-A gross, hairy man satisfying his desires with a child on a bathroom floor.

-Being a worthless piece of shit.
 
"My abusers stole my confidence, my pride in myself and my willingness to excel or stand out of the crowd for anything. I've worked past many negative effects of the abuse; but the drive to succeed and be noteworthy is something I'm still working on." - melliferal

It's that way for me too! The last thing I feel like being is noteworthy. I want to disappear. Don't do anything for me or say anything to me - just let me do what I have to do and move on. Praise is worse than criticism. And please, please don't ever give me a gift.
 
TRIGGER!!


What was stolen from me? me...who i should have been, every experience a child should have, every experience that a teenager should have.....

He destroyed me and from that point I was never the same...I wasnt me.

He created a weak, insecure, angry, shamed, beaten down, paranoid shell of a boy who was disgusted with himself and tormented day after day and who used sex to get people to like him.

What I gained: Paranoia...Inability to ever have a normal relationship...D.I.D....E.R.D...depression...the ability to destroy anyone with words...the ability to completely push away anyone who trys to help....The inability to accept myself....The ability to mistrust anyone....The ability to give good Blowjobs...A pain tolerance that can over come any pain I go through...that ability to scream silently....the ability to stop tears from falling...need i go on? Dont think I will....it would fill too much space.

What a good fuckin deal...I got more than i lost.....who else wants to sign up for THIS BULLSHIT!!!
 
Brian,

pain4ever said:
Sorry about my earlier post...bad day.
Click to expand...

Yeah I know what you mean, but you know what? It's good you said all that. Now it's "out there". Not festering inside to harm you in so many ways. And anyway, I look at your points and I keep thinking, yep, me too, yep, that one as well...

You're not alone.

Much love,
Larry
 
MY SOUL WAS TAKEN FROM ME
 
what was taken from me?
the ability to smile
the ability to be touched without flinching
the ability to sleep at night without being afraid
i remember my friends talking about their first times them bragging about having sex and how great it is...
the idea that sex is good was taken from me
my pride and dignity was taken from me.

But i am starting to learn that i can take those things back that were stolen from me ....at least some of them.
 
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