That Which was Stolen from Us.
That Which was Stolen from Us.
- Thread starterMuldoon
- Start date
roadrunner
Registrant
Tom,
This is an important topic. I have given it some thought and I think the greatest harm done to me was the systematic destruction of my feeling of worth as a boy. This led me to accept some horribly sadistic treatment by the abuser, robbed me of so much of my childhood, and made me turn to a lot of self-destructive behavior in later years in my efforts to numb out and forget how much I hated being me.
But what I have discovered as I recover is that the legacy of even the worst abuse cannot defeat a determined survivor's will to heal. Many of the things I thought I had lost had only been locked up out of my view. It hasn't been easy to reclaim these, dust them off, and put them to use again, but I am willing to try and I already think I like the results.
Much love,
Larry
This is an important topic. I have given it some thought and I think the greatest harm done to me was the systematic destruction of my feeling of worth as a boy. This led me to accept some horribly sadistic treatment by the abuser, robbed me of so much of my childhood, and made me turn to a lot of self-destructive behavior in later years in my efforts to numb out and forget how much I hated being me.
But what I have discovered as I recover is that the legacy of even the worst abuse cannot defeat a determined survivor's will to heal. Many of the things I thought I had lost had only been locked up out of my view. It hasn't been easy to reclaim these, dust them off, and put them to use again, but I am willing to try and I already think I like the results.
Much love,
Larry
what was stolen for me? more like ripped from me ,taken against my will.first he tok my freedom,then he took my innocence,then he took my body,then he took my mind.maygbe the question should be what did he give me?what did he teach me? he gave me permanant scars and injuries,he gave me guilt and shame,he gave me a life of selfdoubt and self blame,hge gave me anger,hate and disgust,what did he teach me? he taught me how not to cry,he taught me how not to feel,he taught me that love is something other people have ,he taught me to trust no one,he taught me what it means to be alone ,truly totaly completly alone
i lost my family ,my childhood ,my life as i knew it.i was placed into foster care hell ,taken from everything i had known.i became a problem child in the juvinile system,a bad kid .he stole my ability to care ,he stold everything.also he was arrested ,jailed ,did his time a whole 7 years, got out ,as a model prisoner,and hurt another kid within a few months.7 years for the life of an 11 year old boy.who only wanted to grow up happy.
i lost my family ,my childhood ,my life as i knew it.i was placed into foster care hell ,taken from everything i had known.i became a problem child in the juvinile system,a bad kid .he stole my ability to care ,he stold everything.also he was arrested ,jailed ,did his time a whole 7 years, got out ,as a model prisoner,and hurt another kid within a few months.7 years for the life of an 11 year old boy.who only wanted to grow up happy.
Hauser
Registrant
He stole my future. Before my abuse I had a great interest in human anatomy, and I could name every organ in the body when I was in 3rd grade, I knew a lot of the bones too. I remember wanting to be a surgeon. That's all gone. I could have contributed so much more to this world and to the lives of other people. So he didn't just hurt me, he hurt all the other people in this world that I most certainly would have helped.
I would say freedom and self-identity.
The incidents of CSA became this gigantic black hole that more and more of my life growing up into an adult became sucked into. The distinction between being an African-American adolescent going thru crap, or a gay adolescent going thru crap or a plain ole adolescent going thru crap(LOL) and a CSA survivor going thru crap became blurred. The main fear I faced in revealing what had happened to me was to be only seen as a CSA survivor from that moment in the eyes of the people I confided in.
I would say what was stolen was giving myself permision to live and flip out and fuck up and go off the deep end and truly love and truly reveal all of me and truly come out of hiding and truly be me which sometimes, I fear, I don't know who that is at all.
CSA survivor is the only identity I feel unfairly thrust upon me to the point of utter frustrstion and anger. I feel I can wear being gay like a cloak or wear being African-American like a cloak but I drown in being a CSA survivor.
I wanna be someone's friend, lover, confidant, homeboy not Jay, that CSA survivor. That's what I mean by stealing of identity.
The incidents of CSA became this gigantic black hole that more and more of my life growing up into an adult became sucked into. The distinction between being an African-American adolescent going thru crap, or a gay adolescent going thru crap or a plain ole adolescent going thru crap(LOL) and a CSA survivor going thru crap became blurred. The main fear I faced in revealing what had happened to me was to be only seen as a CSA survivor from that moment in the eyes of the people I confided in.
I would say what was stolen was giving myself permision to live and flip out and fuck up and go off the deep end and truly love and truly reveal all of me and truly come out of hiding and truly be me which sometimes, I fear, I don't know who that is at all.
CSA survivor is the only identity I feel unfairly thrust upon me to the point of utter frustrstion and anger. I feel I can wear being gay like a cloak or wear being African-American like a cloak but I drown in being a CSA survivor.
I wanna be someone's friend, lover, confidant, homeboy not Jay, that CSA survivor. That's what I mean by stealing of identity.
melliferal
Registrant
My abusers stole my confidence, my pride in myself and my willingness to excel or stand out of the crowd for anything. I've worked past many negative effects of the abuse; but the drive to succeed and be noteworthy is something I'm still working on.
i would say, although it has become a filmic cliche, loss of innocence.
the idea that I a five year old kid had the burden of 'protecting' the lives of the people who loved and protected him. so much so that i complied with the abuser's threat/demand for over 15 years.
i slowly fell into a common routine: i went into the shadows. if no one noticed me, no one would look. only once in my entire childhood did someone come close, but with no succes for both of us
ive decided that i will deal with the emotional scars i have been left with, that i will never again forget. but i also remember that dwelling on these memories sent me into the worst headspace ive ever and hopefully will wver be in.
the idea that I a five year old kid had the burden of 'protecting' the lives of the people who loved and protected him. so much so that i complied with the abuser's threat/demand for over 15 years.
i slowly fell into a common routine: i went into the shadows. if no one noticed me, no one would look. only once in my entire childhood did someone come close, but with no succes for both of us
ive decided that i will deal with the emotional scars i have been left with, that i will never again forget. but i also remember that dwelling on these memories sent me into the worst headspace ive ever and hopefully will wver be in.
I meant to add the Timeline of Memory was stolen also. There are some things that happened in my life I would probably like to remember but cannot. There are wonderful experiences in my past I do remember in a similar way as my sister does when reminiscing about childhood, with the most important stuff intact and some minor details sorta hazy. Then the CSA is either indistinct to the point of being nondescriptive or is just a jumble of images or is alarmingly crystal clear on one specific detailed part of an event, all this occuring in no timeline form of references. no this happened first, thn this, then that.
A Voice for a while but that I retrieved
A Voice for a while but that I retrieved
Stolen
-a sense of my own physical boundaries
-the idea of my sexuality as simply a gift (or a "given")
-a desire for true relationship with a significant other (manifests as "why bother?")
-the will to succeed (getting by has been good enough; quitting fine too)
-trust
-self-confidence
-self-esteem
...all of which I am trying to get back.
Kenn
-a sense of my own physical boundaries
-the idea of my sexuality as simply a gift (or a "given")
-a desire for true relationship with a significant other (manifests as "why bother?")
-the will to succeed (getting by has been good enough; quitting fine too)
-trust
-self-confidence
-self-esteem
...all of which I am trying to get back.
Kenn
My perp stole a big chunk of my life. What could I have done if I wasn't spending so much time and energy dealing with my abuse? I don't really know but he stole that chance.
I used to be mean to little kids, my nieces & nephews because I didn't want them to get close to me. I didn't trust myself because back then it was thought that if you were molested you would be a molester yourself.
So I guess he stole my childhood, my ability to enjoy the childhood of my family and the lost of enjoying the childhood that will never be. I'm old and have no relationship and my dream of raising a family is fading. It's hard for me to let go of this goal, dream, whatever you want to call it. Did my perp steal this dream from me? He definitely put a lot of obstacles that kept me from acheiving it.
Some things I can overcome but time and age are a reality.
Sunny
I used to be mean to little kids, my nieces & nephews because I didn't want them to get close to me. I didn't trust myself because back then it was thought that if you were molested you would be a molester yourself.
So I guess he stole my childhood, my ability to enjoy the childhood of my family and the lost of enjoying the childhood that will never be. I'm old and have no relationship and my dream of raising a family is fading. It's hard for me to let go of this goal, dream, whatever you want to call it. Did my perp steal this dream from me? He definitely put a lot of obstacles that kept me from acheiving it.
Some things I can overcome but time and age are a reality.
Sunny
He stole my enjoyment of life. Before the abusers got hold of me, I loved life. I loved the sunshine and the green grass. I loved the breeze and the singing birds. I loved to run and have fun with my brothers and sisters.
The moment the neighbor kid started in on me, the sun no longer shown for me and the birds no longer sang for me. Playing was always overshadowed by this dreadful feeling of guilt and shame.
He stole my ability to enjoy life, but guess what?
I'VE GOT IT BACK NOW!
Lots of love,
John
The moment the neighbor kid started in on me, the sun no longer shown for me and the birds no longer sang for me. Playing was always overshadowed by this dreadful feeling of guilt and shame.
He stole my ability to enjoy life, but guess what?
I'VE GOT IT BACK NOW!
Lots of love,
John
thetraveller
Registrant
self worth.
Drifting through life achieving very little with no ambition or goals. I think this comes from just a general lack of care and interest in myself.
The loss of my emotions and the ability to be intimate with a lover. I would love to have a girlfriend but my intimacy issues make this very hard.
Not being able to trust people. Synical outlook.
Now I know and understand more why I feel like I do, I can tackle my problems instead of hiding them.
Drifting through life achieving very little with no ambition or goals. I think this comes from just a general lack of care and interest in myself.
The loss of my emotions and the ability to be intimate with a lover. I would love to have a girlfriend but my intimacy issues make this very hard.
Not being able to trust people. Synical outlook.
Now I know and understand more why I feel like I do, I can tackle my problems instead of hiding them.
roadrunner
Registrant
Tom,
I look back to my reply of just over a year ago, and I smile to see where I was at that time. It astonishes me to see what a difference a year can make: for example, back then I could make only the vaguest allusions to some of the worst problems yet to be faced.
So much of the harm done to me by abuse I now see as damage I have been able to repair. It is possible, for example, to regain one's sense of worth and restore a balanced perspective on our place in the world and where the future will take us. In the area of feelings, if we will just allow ourselves to acknowledge and talk about those feelings, however painful they may be, we are well on the way to discovering ways of rejecting the many false lessons we learned as abused boys.
So those things I don't think of as having been stolen from me, if by "stolen" we mean taken away without hope of recovery. But yes, there are three things that I know were stolen from me, and I guess these hurt more than anything else, simply because I know I can never recover them.
The first was the innocence with which I deserved to go through childhood and develop into an adult. I deserved to grow up feeling worthwhile and and lovable; it was my right to live without fear, not wondering when the next rape would be or feeling ashamed every time I approached the bathroom mirror or afraid whenever I had to undress. I deserved to enjoy playing games and having childish fun, as opposed to planning when and how I would take my own life. I should have been able to hang out with friends without agonizing over whether they could tell what was happening to me just by looking at me or whether they would abuse me too if they had the chance.
The second thing I lost was my right as a child and young man to develop a balanced view of myself as a sexual person, in a way that felt comfortable and fulfilling. Instead, I was taught that sex is what an adult does to a child when he wants to torment, shame and humiliate him. I learned that this was all I was good for and that it was the only real thing in my life. I learned to use sex as a way of proving my own worthlessness and lack of any right to respect. My right to discover sex innocently, experiment with it as a child, and rejoice in it as a young man were all stolen from me.
The last thing I think was stolen from me was my right to explore the spiritual side of my being in peace and tranquility. Instead, God became for me the one who abandons children, refuses to answer their prayers no matter what they pray for, and allows a trembling frightened boy to endure the foulest degradations imaginable even in the church itself. When I was 9, our church was a fun family place where I sat with my friends and learned about God and his plan for my life. By the time I turned 11 the church had become the most unsafe place in the world for me.
All these are areas I am working on as an adult, but that's the key loss, isn't it? What was stolen forever was my right to explore all these parts of my life as a child and as a young man. I have been able to recover so much as I heal, and for that I am thankful. I'm happy to have that and am willing to work with whatever progress I can make. But what I will never have is the confidence and self-assurance that comes from developing these areas slowing and naturally through the early part of my life, building up meaningful life memories and lessons about these things that I can look back to and draw strength from later on.
Much love,
Larry
I look back to my reply of just over a year ago, and I smile to see where I was at that time. It astonishes me to see what a difference a year can make: for example, back then I could make only the vaguest allusions to some of the worst problems yet to be faced.
So much of the harm done to me by abuse I now see as damage I have been able to repair. It is possible, for example, to regain one's sense of worth and restore a balanced perspective on our place in the world and where the future will take us. In the area of feelings, if we will just allow ourselves to acknowledge and talk about those feelings, however painful they may be, we are well on the way to discovering ways of rejecting the many false lessons we learned as abused boys.
So those things I don't think of as having been stolen from me, if by "stolen" we mean taken away without hope of recovery. But yes, there are three things that I know were stolen from me, and I guess these hurt more than anything else, simply because I know I can never recover them.
The first was the innocence with which I deserved to go through childhood and develop into an adult. I deserved to grow up feeling worthwhile and and lovable; it was my right to live without fear, not wondering when the next rape would be or feeling ashamed every time I approached the bathroom mirror or afraid whenever I had to undress. I deserved to enjoy playing games and having childish fun, as opposed to planning when and how I would take my own life. I should have been able to hang out with friends without agonizing over whether they could tell what was happening to me just by looking at me or whether they would abuse me too if they had the chance.
The second thing I lost was my right as a child and young man to develop a balanced view of myself as a sexual person, in a way that felt comfortable and fulfilling. Instead, I was taught that sex is what an adult does to a child when he wants to torment, shame and humiliate him. I learned that this was all I was good for and that it was the only real thing in my life. I learned to use sex as a way of proving my own worthlessness and lack of any right to respect. My right to discover sex innocently, experiment with it as a child, and rejoice in it as a young man were all stolen from me.
The last thing I think was stolen from me was my right to explore the spiritual side of my being in peace and tranquility. Instead, God became for me the one who abandons children, refuses to answer their prayers no matter what they pray for, and allows a trembling frightened boy to endure the foulest degradations imaginable even in the church itself. When I was 9, our church was a fun family place where I sat with my friends and learned about God and his plan for my life. By the time I turned 11 the church had become the most unsafe place in the world for me.
All these are areas I am working on as an adult, but that's the key loss, isn't it? What was stolen forever was my right to explore all these parts of my life as a child and as a young man. I have been able to recover so much as I heal, and for that I am thankful. I'm happy to have that and am willing to work with whatever progress I can make. But what I will never have is the confidence and self-assurance that comes from developing these areas slowing and naturally through the early part of my life, building up meaningful life memories and lessons about these things that I can look back to and draw strength from later on.
Much love,
Larry
had some time to think since this first came up ,what was taken from me? my first kiss ,that nervous feeling of kissing a girl that crazy excitement,my first crush on a girl ,my first love ,holding hadns and having it seem like something so daring ,asking a girl out instead of looking at her and walking the other way,going to a school dance and not standing in a corner by myself ,going to a school dance at all ,learning to drive cause my dad taught me instead of learning to drive cause i stold my fosters car and wanted to go home .going home to a safe bed instead of back to the dorm where night was hell , walking into a church and feeling good not feeling like either i or the cuhrch itself should burst into flames , all my firsts ,thats wahat was taken all my fucking firsts shadow