That which was Stolen from us.
That which was Stolen from us.
- Thread starterMuldoon
- Start date
That which was stolen from me.
Who I really am.
For years, upon years, and in countless interactions with thousands of people in my life I was who you made me become. A person I did not know, but you made me this way.
Confused and upset, disoriented as to which way was up. You made me this way.
Afraid, and at times scared. Foolish, and too trusting. Betrayed, forgotten and discarded. Like yesterdays garbage. You made me this way.
You were the adult. I was the kid. I wasn't ready to be an adult. You made me this way.
Now as an adult, having spent so many years not knowing who I was, I have rediscovered who I am. And I will protect who I am, and what I have become from ever being abused again.
If you met me now, you wouldn't recognise me. Why?
Because I am no longer the way you made me. No longer a victim that you can use, and abuse.
I am a survivor, no thanks to you.
I am resilient and strong. I will take this rocky road to recovery and arrive at my destination fulfilled and sustained.
No thanks to you.
I will prevail over all the hardships you have placed in my way. I will emerge victorious, with my fist raised high in the air declaring my right to be who I really am! Who am I?
I am free of You!
Jim
Ps. Gawd! That felt good!
Who I really am.
For years, upon years, and in countless interactions with thousands of people in my life I was who you made me become. A person I did not know, but you made me this way.
Confused and upset, disoriented as to which way was up. You made me this way.
Afraid, and at times scared. Foolish, and too trusting. Betrayed, forgotten and discarded. Like yesterdays garbage. You made me this way.
You were the adult. I was the kid. I wasn't ready to be an adult. You made me this way.
Now as an adult, having spent so many years not knowing who I was, I have rediscovered who I am. And I will protect who I am, and what I have become from ever being abused again.
If you met me now, you wouldn't recognise me. Why?
Because I am no longer the way you made me. No longer a victim that you can use, and abuse.
I am a survivor, no thanks to you.
I am resilient and strong. I will take this rocky road to recovery and arrive at my destination fulfilled and sustained.
No thanks to you.
I will prevail over all the hardships you have placed in my way. I will emerge victorious, with my fist raised high in the air declaring my right to be who I really am! Who am I?
I am free of You!
Jim
Ps. Gawd! That felt good!
Sans Logos
Registrant
it really hurts to read this thread. i read every single one of them, and it's all so true. why did you have to remind me? i thought i was ok, but this just dredges it all up again. it never really goes away. what a pathetic situation.
i am not in a good place these days.
i am not in a good place these days.
Sorry to dredge it up. Being a new guy here I saw the thread. And you know what? No one ever asked me that question before, and it felt damn good to answer it!
S.L. I know that you are not aiming your feelings at me personally, so please don't feel bad about what I said or what you said. Like others have said in other posts, perhaps everything here should have a trigger warning. But that would eventually mean nothing to anyone. Its like when a particular smell, or a piece of music starts the floodgates. It happens, and we have no other choice but to cave to the negative feelings, or take hold of them and say its only a smell, its only a piece of music to most people. It will be the same for me. I am no longer going to be held hostage by free elements in my environment. I know its hard. I'm struggling with it myself. But, I know I will prevail. I HAVE to!
This thread was recently resurrected from 2-3 years ago. I think its a good one for us new guys. Its giving us permission, perhaps for the first time in our lives, to answer that most horrible and previously unasked qustion. I'm just sorry it took me 35+ years to read it and answer it. Maybe others will not have to wait so long.
Pax vobiscum.
Jim
S.L. I know that you are not aiming your feelings at me personally, so please don't feel bad about what I said or what you said. Like others have said in other posts, perhaps everything here should have a trigger warning. But that would eventually mean nothing to anyone. Its like when a particular smell, or a piece of music starts the floodgates. It happens, and we have no other choice but to cave to the negative feelings, or take hold of them and say its only a smell, its only a piece of music to most people. It will be the same for me. I am no longer going to be held hostage by free elements in my environment. I know its hard. I'm struggling with it myself. But, I know I will prevail. I HAVE to!
This thread was recently resurrected from 2-3 years ago. I think its a good one for us new guys. Its giving us permission, perhaps for the first time in our lives, to answer that most horrible and previously unasked qustion. I'm just sorry it took me 35+ years to read it and answer it. Maybe others will not have to wait so long.
Pax vobiscum.
Jim
Sans Logos
Registrant
jim, i didn't mean to have an apology or a retraction or anything. but i appreciate your sensitivity.
i probably read this 5 years ago when i first came here, and forgot about it.
it is very powerful to reread from the ivory tower i have built for myself today.
i needed to read it. and i need to mark it as one of my watched posts so i don't let it slip so far into the background ever again.
the onion keep revealing new layers, and i am learning that that never ends.
why else would we cling to the forum and each other even after so many years of recovery and dealing with these issues. they do not go away. they just fade underground until they find an opportunity to jump out at you without warning.
i really would like to thank you for finding it.this is a built in mechanism for testing our mettle here on this website. for this reason i don't necessarily everything should be labeled with a trigger warning....that is just me. i welcome opportunities to confront my own deceit.
your brother in recovery,
ron
i probably read this 5 years ago when i first came here, and forgot about it.
it is very powerful to reread from the ivory tower i have built for myself today.
i needed to read it. and i need to mark it as one of my watched posts so i don't let it slip so far into the background ever again.
the onion keep revealing new layers, and i am learning that that never ends.
why else would we cling to the forum and each other even after so many years of recovery and dealing with these issues. they do not go away. they just fade underground until they find an opportunity to jump out at you without warning.
i really would like to thank you for finding it.this is a built in mechanism for testing our mettle here on this website. for this reason i don't necessarily everything should be labeled with a trigger warning....that is just me. i welcome opportunities to confront my own deceit.
your brother in recovery,
ron
S.L wrote : why else would we cling to the forum and each other even after so many years of recovery and dealing with these issues. they do not go away. they just fade underground until they find an opportunity to jump out at you without warning.
I cannot imagine, right now being without the MS board. Its simply, not in my vocabulary. Not possible if I am to continue in my recovery. I need this place, warts and all.
I've got lots of warts. And you?
I know I am not perfect. Where are my brothers?
Jim
I cannot imagine, right now being without the MS board. Its simply, not in my vocabulary. Not possible if I am to continue in my recovery. I need this place, warts and all.
I've got lots of warts. And you?
I know I am not perfect. Where are my brothers?
Jim
Geeders said:
I wrote this almost a year ago. Now, almost a year later I am stunned at what is another one of those Karma moments for me.
For anyone who was at Alta in Septmeber, remember those tableau's, or sculptures we did as a group? Man, there I was "with my fist raised high in the air declaring my right to be who I really am! "
Whodathunk it??? This is almost scary! :grin:
Jim
Hi guys,
I guess I am about 2 months into this process. I can't go into as much detail about what I lost, or what was taken from me, but I can at least talk about something that I saw as a thread through here. It seemed that many responses here touch on how the abuse affected their intimacy with others. My entire adult life has my first abuser all over it. I started seeing a whole history of intimate encounters where I just wasnt able to be there. something would always tell me to stop what I was doing. I can think back to my early 20s where I would get so uncomfortable with sex that I just couldnt finish. 20 years later at 41, am I now seeing it. I was never able to really look at it till now.
tgik
I guess I am about 2 months into this process. I can't go into as much detail about what I lost, or what was taken from me, but I can at least talk about something that I saw as a thread through here. It seemed that many responses here touch on how the abuse affected their intimacy with others. My entire adult life has my first abuser all over it. I started seeing a whole history of intimate encounters where I just wasnt able to be there. something would always tell me to stop what I was doing. I can think back to my early 20s where I would get so uncomfortable with sex that I just couldnt finish. 20 years later at 41, am I now seeing it. I was never able to really look at it till now.
tgik
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Hi, All.
I am glad this thread was bumped to us new guys.
My thinking is changing as I am in Therapy and uncovering the incestual and sexual abuse messages. I discovering those things "hidden" from me that has lasted 35 years. I would say the below items were taken away or hidden from me and stolen for awhile.
I am reclaiming the below as I get in touch with the feelings I was not allowed 35 years ago.
1. Sense of self-worth
2. My sanity - although I claim a sense of altered identities
3. My confidence with intimacy
4. Sense of safety
5. Ability to learn to trust others
6. Ability to expect others to earn my trust of them
7. NON assumption of intentions - mine and others
8. Clearer boundaries
9. Ability to have fun
10.Ability to express my sexual desires freely
11.Ability to socialize without fear of rejection
12.Ability to be void of any impulse to
13.Sense of sanity
14.Ability to interact with most everybody.
DJ
I am glad this thread was bumped to us new guys.
My thinking is changing as I am in Therapy and uncovering the incestual and sexual abuse messages. I discovering those things "hidden" from me that has lasted 35 years. I would say the below items were taken away or hidden from me and stolen for awhile.
I am reclaiming the below as I get in touch with the feelings I was not allowed 35 years ago.
1. Sense of self-worth
2. My sanity - although I claim a sense of altered identities
3. My confidence with intimacy
4. Sense of safety
5. Ability to learn to trust others
6. Ability to expect others to earn my trust of them
7. NON assumption of intentions - mine and others
8. Clearer boundaries
9. Ability to have fun
10.Ability to express my sexual desires freely
11.Ability to socialize without fear of rejection
12.Ability to be void of any impulse to
13.Sense of sanity
14.Ability to interact with most everybody.
DJ
Ok I just have to put this out here again.
I feel that so much of the possible good times have been taken from me these last 7 years. I thought that I was so close to moving forward and putting this behind me but the church decided to run and hide from the TRUTH.
I have come to understand what a shity father I was to my little girl as she was growing up. The ability to be a good parent was stolen from me and I don't know if I can ever make it up to her. I failed as a parent because I was hiding in the silence. This is F***ed
Tom
I feel that so much of the possible good times have been taken from me these last 7 years. I thought that I was so close to moving forward and putting this behind me but the church decided to run and hide from the TRUTH.
I have come to understand what a shity father I was to my little girl as she was growing up. The ability to be a good parent was stolen from me and I don't know if I can ever make it up to her. I failed as a parent because I was hiding in the silence. This is F***ed
Tom
I just wanted to add one other thing here. I was just in the hospital for 9 days and I really began to understand how I have no trust in others. I demanded that everything be explained to me, before he nurse or doctors could do anything. I should have trust in these people who are doing their jobs. I must be in total control at all times and just do not trust others.
Tom
Tom
Jacob S
Registrant
Wow . . . what a thread.
Its so hard to know what was stolen, and who stole what. The emotional abuse of my parents and the CSA from 3 others worked in a hideous unintentional partnership, so I can't say for sure what was stolen by whom. So with the disclaimer that I'm not sure who stole what:
*A chance at having a normal brain. When I first learned that research is showing that survivors have damaged limbic systems, that made so much sense to me. I don't manage emotions the way other people do, and it goes beyond just never learning how.
*The consistent sense of believing its ok for me to be alive. I spend so much time being sure that my very existence is hurting other people, and I have to make up for it by trying to be as small and sacrificial as possible.
*normal sleep.
*there are more, so many more. but that's all I can deal with right now.
Its so hard to know what was stolen, and who stole what. The emotional abuse of my parents and the CSA from 3 others worked in a hideous unintentional partnership, so I can't say for sure what was stolen by whom. So with the disclaimer that I'm not sure who stole what:
*A chance at having a normal brain. When I first learned that research is showing that survivors have damaged limbic systems, that made so much sense to me. I don't manage emotions the way other people do, and it goes beyond just never learning how.
*The consistent sense of believing its ok for me to be alive. I spend so much time being sure that my very existence is hurting other people, and I have to make up for it by trying to be as small and sacrificial as possible.
*normal sleep.
*there are more, so many more. but that's all I can deal with right now.
[size:17pt]Y[/size]ou stole my relationship with my father, who loved me as much as I loved him, yet I kept him at a distance so he wouldn't discover the dirty and guilty little soul you made me think I was. His last words to me before a surgery he did not survive: "You are a very private person and I wish I knew you better - but I know you love me." Yeah. THAT'S what you STOLE from me. I hope it was worth the selfish little pleasures you made me give you. It certainly wasn't worth mine.
[size:17pt]Y[/size]ou stole my relationship with girls, maybe my future wife and family because every time I started to make my "moves" I felt like YOU and couldn't go further. Nothing was worse than being YOU. I didn't know how to be a man, only how to be your girlfriend.
[size:17pt]Y[/size]ou stole from me my relationship with myself - that when you had your fun with me, my body responded while my heart rebelled, leaving me alone to reconcile the split with all the sophisticated perspectives and mental tools of a 13 year old boy. I hated my body for being a traitor, and at a deep level I just didn't want to know myself anymore.
[size:17pt]B[/size]ut here is what you did not steal...
[size:17pt]Y[/size]ou did not take away my integrity, my sensitivity, my talents, my decency, my friends, and my ability to climb out of the depths of shame and secrecy. My dad called me a little bouncing ball. You took me down, but didn't count on me bouncing back up.
[size:17pt]Y[/size]ou took my choices away - you took my virginity and my body, and you took my autonomy like a hand in a puppet. You took so much. But you made one big mistake. You left my heart. And that is all I really needed. The irony is amazing - I see you now, rotting away in that facility, and realize that for all you took, you have NOTHING. And for all I had to give, I have everything - everything that's truly important.
[size:17pt]A[/size]nd if things work the way I hope they do, I will see you again soon. In a court room. I'll be the one without the bailiff. I'll be the one smiling. And I'll be the one walking into the sunshine after the gavel falls.
[size:17pt]Y[/size]ou stole my relationship with girls, maybe my future wife and family because every time I started to make my "moves" I felt like YOU and couldn't go further. Nothing was worse than being YOU. I didn't know how to be a man, only how to be your girlfriend.
[size:17pt]Y[/size]ou stole from me my relationship with myself - that when you had your fun with me, my body responded while my heart rebelled, leaving me alone to reconcile the split with all the sophisticated perspectives and mental tools of a 13 year old boy. I hated my body for being a traitor, and at a deep level I just didn't want to know myself anymore.
[size:17pt]B[/size]ut here is what you did not steal...
[size:17pt]Y[/size]ou did not take away my integrity, my sensitivity, my talents, my decency, my friends, and my ability to climb out of the depths of shame and secrecy. My dad called me a little bouncing ball. You took me down, but didn't count on me bouncing back up.
[size:17pt]Y[/size]ou took my choices away - you took my virginity and my body, and you took my autonomy like a hand in a puppet. You took so much. But you made one big mistake. You left my heart. And that is all I really needed. The irony is amazing - I see you now, rotting away in that facility, and realize that for all you took, you have NOTHING. And for all I had to give, I have everything - everything that's truly important.
[size:17pt]A[/size]nd if things work the way I hope they do, I will see you again soon. In a court room. I'll be the one without the bailiff. I'll be the one smiling. And I'll be the one walking into the sunshine after the gavel falls.
Smalltown80sBoy
Registrant
!
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