That anxiety effect from doing some things
Right now, I have two things going on about looking for a new job. Neither of which are very productive, because I'm scared. It feels emasculating, though that's the least of my worries. My T has noted I fear interactions with people, and perhaps most of all, I fear the topic of sex or interpersonal skills.
This is probably Triggering:
A lot of it would be related to my fixation that I look wrong. I'm too heavy now, and I'm self conscious about it. The fact that people have shown it's a very big deal, by denigrating the man in the White House's weight and other, has made me relive the bullying I have not healed from. I have done some work, I have progressed, but to state I'm healed from those bullies is too much. I'm imprinted with the words, and self shame of my body. Because it's been so long since I was 12-15, and the worst has been over, I now react privately to what I see or read in public. I have to endure what I perceive as the reflection of myself in others eyes. If I don't like what I see, I expect others do the same. Knowing how horrid the shaming and demeaning of that man in the White House's body is spoken of, it's triggered me over and over and over.
I can't escape it and I won't be a hermit, so I must think of a way to endure this self demeaning voice of my own, and move out to meet people for interviews and meetings. I'm scared. I don't have good clothes and those I have are old and pretty worn, so I feel self conscious. But, it's all I have and the thing is, it's all I have!
Does repeating that make sense? I suppose not?
Anyway, since there are really good things that happen when I can motivate myself past my sincerely difficult anxieties, there's that carrot I think about. I really don't fall apart, but I have so much pre-anxiety, I too often fail to even try.
Excuses seem trivial to those whose anxiety it isn't theirs to experience. Know what I mean? Anxiety of my kind goes to feelings of inadequacy too, that I'm ashamed I even have this problem, how did getting so heavy become so impossible to fix? Is this more than just some age changes of metabolism and maybe my medications? Is there some other physical thing wrong, diminishing my chances to lose weight? I hurt so badly all the time, it's a major deal to exercise, I pay a huge price in pain later. I can't take the usual NSAID anti inflammatory because of the medication to counter my Adrenal Glands problem. It's my high blood pressure medication. It's a nasty thing too, extreme kind of diuretic. I hate it. But, it does lower my blood pressure from the 200/100 to the 140/70 area. That's a big deal.
I'm always exhausted, and I'm always in pain. What am I supposed to do? I don't have money to pay the damn Copay for multi-testing to a doctor. I don't have a doctor either. I won't go back to the nurse practitioner I had. I don't like him nor his nurse. Why is it, I've been to these three clinics for over twenty years and I don't have a doctor? What did I do wrong. Two have moved on, and or I had to change clinics because of insurance, and this last time, I got very tired of the clinic I had, and switched back to one that went to second tier copay. I pay a bit more. It didn't matter two years ago, now I can't manage it.
So, back to my anxiety, there's a meeting tomorrow and I should rsvp today if I'm going. But, it's a topic of relationship boundaries in life and the work place. It's going to skirt the issue of sex. It's going to be a topic that I have very little experience talking about, and in that, this would be good experience. I have so much anxiety about it, I decided to write a post/thread about it.
I'm torn by the idea it's experience. But, I'm pretty sure I'll be the only man, but not positive. I don't want to be the creepy old guy, especially tall and fat, who is among women looking for answers to their need to set boundaries. I need to know those things too, I don't have good experience understanding what was good for me, yet, I've not had huge problems since I was 16. That's because I barely do anything. I don't take risks, I don't do new professional meetings with strangers. Dysfunctional people, Ok, I've things in common. Supposedly average people, I feel awkward.
I look at me, and think negative, yet, I won't hold others to that. I work to not judge... "Golden Rule".
Then, why don't I get past my own brain, my own inner thoughts that are sabotaging me. Is the way I see body shaming going on, hitting me that hard, at my age? I think it is, but, dammit, that sucks!
This is probably Triggering:
A lot of it would be related to my fixation that I look wrong. I'm too heavy now, and I'm self conscious about it. The fact that people have shown it's a very big deal, by denigrating the man in the White House's weight and other, has made me relive the bullying I have not healed from. I have done some work, I have progressed, but to state I'm healed from those bullies is too much. I'm imprinted with the words, and self shame of my body. Because it's been so long since I was 12-15, and the worst has been over, I now react privately to what I see or read in public. I have to endure what I perceive as the reflection of myself in others eyes. If I don't like what I see, I expect others do the same. Knowing how horrid the shaming and demeaning of that man in the White House's body is spoken of, it's triggered me over and over and over.
I can't escape it and I won't be a hermit, so I must think of a way to endure this self demeaning voice of my own, and move out to meet people for interviews and meetings. I'm scared. I don't have good clothes and those I have are old and pretty worn, so I feel self conscious. But, it's all I have and the thing is, it's all I have!
Does repeating that make sense? I suppose not?
Anyway, since there are really good things that happen when I can motivate myself past my sincerely difficult anxieties, there's that carrot I think about. I really don't fall apart, but I have so much pre-anxiety, I too often fail to even try.
Excuses seem trivial to those whose anxiety it isn't theirs to experience. Know what I mean? Anxiety of my kind goes to feelings of inadequacy too, that I'm ashamed I even have this problem, how did getting so heavy become so impossible to fix? Is this more than just some age changes of metabolism and maybe my medications? Is there some other physical thing wrong, diminishing my chances to lose weight? I hurt so badly all the time, it's a major deal to exercise, I pay a huge price in pain later. I can't take the usual NSAID anti inflammatory because of the medication to counter my Adrenal Glands problem. It's my high blood pressure medication. It's a nasty thing too, extreme kind of diuretic. I hate it. But, it does lower my blood pressure from the 200/100 to the 140/70 area. That's a big deal.
I'm always exhausted, and I'm always in pain. What am I supposed to do? I don't have money to pay the damn Copay for multi-testing to a doctor. I don't have a doctor either. I won't go back to the nurse practitioner I had. I don't like him nor his nurse. Why is it, I've been to these three clinics for over twenty years and I don't have a doctor? What did I do wrong. Two have moved on, and or I had to change clinics because of insurance, and this last time, I got very tired of the clinic I had, and switched back to one that went to second tier copay. I pay a bit more. It didn't matter two years ago, now I can't manage it.
So, back to my anxiety, there's a meeting tomorrow and I should rsvp today if I'm going. But, it's a topic of relationship boundaries in life and the work place. It's going to skirt the issue of sex. It's going to be a topic that I have very little experience talking about, and in that, this would be good experience. I have so much anxiety about it, I decided to write a post/thread about it.
I'm torn by the idea it's experience. But, I'm pretty sure I'll be the only man, but not positive. I don't want to be the creepy old guy, especially tall and fat, who is among women looking for answers to their need to set boundaries. I need to know those things too, I don't have good experience understanding what was good for me, yet, I've not had huge problems since I was 16. That's because I barely do anything. I don't take risks, I don't do new professional meetings with strangers. Dysfunctional people, Ok, I've things in common. Supposedly average people, I feel awkward.
I look at me, and think negative, yet, I won't hold others to that. I work to not judge... "Golden Rule".
Then, why don't I get past my own brain, my own inner thoughts that are sabotaging me. Is the way I see body shaming going on, hitting me that hard, at my age? I think it is, but, dammit, that sucks!
