Thanks

[swandive]

First, let me say thanks again to everyone here. I've put the books down and plan to keep it down for awhile. I'm not sure that he knows what he wants, so I'm really trying to just absorb all the advice you all have given me and pace myself so that I don't try to bring him up to speed with me.

Right now it's so hard to tell what he wants. He has always been very honest and open about expressing his feelings and opinions, but they all seems to be jumping around all the time. A lot of the time he seems to believe that it has in no way impacted him, and other days he is seriously committed to the idea of recovery and legal action.

I'm most worried about how violently it is impacting him. Over the last month he has had 2 dramatic episodes of anger/rage and grief/misery. One of his episodes was brought on when he was very intoxicated. At that time he got into a fight over nothing? Nobody is really sure what happened. But he spent the next two hours screaming, crying, and getting physically and verbally violent. A week later we watched the movie 'Boys Don't Cry' with some friends. We didn't know about the rape scene in it, and he had a horrible reaction to it. He spent the rest of the night crying and distant. He wanted me to sit next to him but not touch him, and then he threw up. I'm not sure if he was just that physically ill or if it was on purpose (I have before caught him purposly vommitting when he got upset). He then went home and took a shower for close to an hour, cited that he felt dirty, and went to bed. All this and he has just been put on an anti-depressant for motivation/skin problems brought on by depression, an amphatimen for ADD (which first presented itself about 1 year after his abuse occured), and a sleep aide, because he never sleeps through the night.

I'm trying to comfort him and I'm waiting for him to work on it, and at the same time I'm terrified of how much more he will go through before he is ready to deal with things. It's all just much too much. I feel like he is emotionally crumbling and harming himself, but I still have to be so hands off about it.

So to summarize (in case I lost you), I'm thankful for your support and advice, scared, and frustrated. But I'm going work on slowing my roll and being patitiently supportive.

Much Love,

Gabrielle

 

[Nobbynobs]

Gabrielle,

Sounds like you have the right idea. From what you have described, your BF is still struggling with his issues, and you are right to step back and protect yourself.

The only person who can truly help your BF is himself. By providing support, you are helping him in a huge way by letting him know that other people care. However, he really needs to be the one to go for help and it sounds like he is not ready to do this just yet.

Like I have said before, you need to keep your head about you. If your boyfriend does not eventually get help for his abuse, he will get worse and he could end up emotionally abusing you. Be very aware of the danger signs. I believe Victims No Longer has some info on that, but if not there are probably resources around here on the site for you. I guess what I'm trying to say, is be completely comfortable with your level of commitment to him, and also be aware of his commitment to you.

It might be a good idea for you spend some time really exploring whether you want to take this on. Recovery from abuse is very long and difficult, and his recovery could take a very heavy toll on you. My wife ended up in therapy during my recovery. Are you really ready to pay such a high price for this relationship? If so, I salute you and congratulate you on finding true love. If not, then like I said, your best strategy might be to walk away, as much as it would hurt you to do so. I don't think anyone here would argue that you should stay in an environment that is harmful to you.

Take care,

Nobby

 

[clemente]

Gabriele:

We have not "spoken" before, but I wanted to comment on the medications that your b/f is taking...I went back to some of your other posts because I thought I remembered that your b/f's T did not have alot of experience with CSA...I'm not sure where he is getting the medication...from his T or a family doctor...anyway, I just wanted to point out that ADD and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have a great number of "symptoms" in common. I'm not a doctor, just well read, and if he has not disclosed abuse to his physician, he can be misdiagnosed...or ADD can have a component of PTSD...at any rate, survivors can develop this hyper-vigilant state that mimics ADD...and if you have put away the CSA books for a while, let me recommend a book about ADD called "Driven to Distraction" by Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey...two psychiatrists who both have ADD! I saw a book the other day at Borders called "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder", but I haven't read that yet...not ready to take it on.

I've come to believe that, for me, reading and gaining as much information is possible, is necessary to help me feel more in control. Of course, control is an illusion. I also want to be as informed as I can so that I don't inadvertently do or say something that will cause my b/f greater pain. Also, in reference to Nobby's post above, I want to make an informed decision about what I am "Signing up for"...right now we are in a what I refer to as the "distancing cycle"...where he pulls away and I think maybe I should just butt out of his life all together. I'm internally very clear that I like/love/value myself and I know I can't deal with a relationship with him unless he does the "work" he needs to do to stop feeling ashamed of himself for something that was not his choice. I know you are in a heartbreaking place, Gabrielle and I wish you strength and peace.

 

[clemente]

Gabrielle:

We have not "spoken" before, but I wanted to comment on the medications that your b/f is taking...I went back to some of your other posts because I thought I remembered that your b/f's T did not have alot of experience with CSA...I'm not sure where he is getting the medication...from his T or a family doctor...anyway, I just wanted to point out that ADD and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have a great number of "symptoms" in common. I'm not a doctor, just well read, and if he has not disclosed abuse to his physician, he can be misdiagnosed...or ADD can have a component of PTSD...at any rate, survivors can develop this hyper-vigilant state that mimics ADD...and if you have put away the CSA books for a while, let me recommend a book about ADD called "Driven to Distraction" by Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey...two psychiatrists who both have ADD! I saw a book the other day at Borders called "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder", but I haven't read that yet...not ready to take it on.

I've come to believe that, for me, reading and gaining as much information as possible, is necessary to help me feel more in control. Of course, control is an illusion. I also want to be as informed as I can so that I don't inadvertently do or say something that will cause my b/f greater pain. Also, in reference to Nobby's post above, I want to make an informed decision about what I am "Signing up for"...right now we are in a what I refer to as the "distancing cycle"...where he pulls away and I think maybe I should just butt out of his life all together. I'm internally very clear that I like/love/value myself and I know I can't deal with a relationship with him unless he does the "work" he needs to do to stop feeling ashamed of himself for something that was not his choice. I know you are in a heartbreaking place, Gabrielle and I wish you strength and peace.