Thanks, Sick Puppy & Cement

[outis]

Last night I finally managed to post a description of the SA I suffered 26 years ago. I had tried several times over the last couple weeks, but just couldn't. I'd write pages and pages and keep beating around the bush, wondering how to word things, and was it really so bad, etc.

I'm still shaking but I feel amazingly relieved as if (though it is a clichd phrase) a huge burden had been lifted off of me.

Sick Puppy, when I read how you talked to your uncle, I tried again last night. I couldn't make it on the first try, but I went back to it and finally posted enough. I'm having difficulty sometimes in 12 Step work because of that "sponsor."

I felt the relief that you talked about, although I had previously disclosed the same SA, in greater detail to my wife and later to the T. I never quite felt the relief with them. I think I always believed my wife could see how dirty I was, and why. I was sure the T just knew anyway, not sure why I believed that.

Putting it on the net made all the difference. I had been having a real rough week. A lot of personal history in Holy Week for me. Things still go up and down, of course, just in the course of the 12 hours since I posted but now recovery seems real. I kept saying to myself last night, "I did it." And I remembered your post about your uncle, SP. Thanks for showing the way.

And this morning, working in the garden with my wife, when my 3 year old son accomplished something (don't know what, but it mattered to him) and he yelled, "I did it!" I thought again of your post, of my post last night, and the work we all do to recover ourselves and our innocent boys. I saw in him what each of us was, and the potential we have as we recover.

And let the darkness fear our light.

Cement, I understand your tag line now. I see that the perp's hold on me is loosened. I see that his darkness is exposed on the board. I was shaking while I tried to post, and I almost gave up again. But now I feel that recovery is real, my recovery is in earnest, and to hell with him. I've been there for 26 years, and getting out I'm making room for him!

Thanks to everyone here, of course, but I feel a need to send special thanks to you two guys.

Joe

 

[Wuamei]

WTG Joe!

There is such power in sharing your story, even online; something powerful about putting it down in writing. Kinda demystifies your abuse, makes it real, yet also takes out some of the power it has over you. The truth shall set you free!

Victor

 

[Cement]

If I have made a difference, or shone a light, I am so proud.

Great work, Joe.

Peace,
James

 

[Sick Puppy]

Wow! I am so glad I helped somebody... I makes me feel so great to have helped out my brothers at MS and I am really proud of you for posting your story. We will all keep on going!

 

[Sleepy]

Joe,
I think that's so cool that you were able to show thanks to SP and Cement. Sometimes it's easy to lose yourself in your issues and as a result you feel that you don't really matter. But when someone tells you that you made a difference then it can make you feel pretty good. It makes you feel that you matter.
mike

 

[outis]

Mike,

SP's post really helped me find the courage to go through with posting. I'm in a curious situation where I want to use SIA and Al Anon, but I'm in no f***ing hurry to get a sponsor. I've started thinking of this board as a "sponsor" since it's safe.

When I saw how quickly SP had been able to talk face to face with his uncle after just mentioning he was considering it, I realized that recovery will require positive action. Monkey see, monkey do maybe?

As soon as I clicked the "Add New Topic" button, I realized that the story was out there for the world to see. It's not even the "Members only" section. Anyone can read about it now. And the tagline that James uses popped right into my head. The darkness is not mine. Instead, I have found a powerful light, in myself and even more so, in each of you as we help each other.

It's been up and down and up and down since then, and I'm beginning to understand that this journey is a long haul operation. But then again I can think of your tagline and keep going!

Thanks,

Joe