Thanks Eddie ... i guess

[sonlite]

Thanks Eddie ... i guess -

I haven't been to nosmv here in a while. bc I didn't like the way I felt attacked when I was asking legitmate questions about my orientation. I want to say a note of thanks to geteddie for pointing out the DID thing (from a previous post in "Too Many Questions..."

John was smarter then a person in #1 and #3 at the age of 6...he had to be a lot smarter to dissocate in any form rather then #1...so he dissocated into another person to take all the pain of the abuse...and is now having all the problems that.. SA childhood males by other males...have... plus DID or MPD...whatever you want to call it.

I had never before read much or considered much about the possibility of that being a deal w me. Even though I attended a seminar on it while doing my Social Work Internship w Univ of MD Dept of Psychiatry.

So I went and got a book out of the library
Steinburg, M (2000). The Stranger In The Mirror: Dissociation The Hidden Epidemic.

Now I can FINALLY understand where all of my Self-Defeating messages have been coming from and why after Years of thpy already - I never progressed past a certain point and MATURED.

The last 3 weeks have been pure HELL for me as I have literally and physically fought w myself and nearly found myself in the hospital (it could still come down to that).
I had already been "introduced" to Little John[\i] (L J), but since then I have met Montreal[\i], and Jeff[\i]. Each part having a seperate agenda and way of looking at the world.

And I am learning that to "talk" w them does not mean I am insane - but just the opposite ... that I am FINALLY giving the parts of me that had to disconnect to survive their chance to have a voice - which they were denied 30y ago. So that I don't have to put up w mystery[\i] self-sabotaging behavior anymore.

When you think about it isn't crazy at all - I mean geez, I have NO memories up to 3rd grade - assuming people don't remember much before age 4 ... that is like 4 whole years ... just gone[\i]. It All Went Somewhere and Well, Now I have to find a way to handle the emotional weight of what is back there. That is going to be FIELDTRIP TO HELL, Part II. But I am working on getting extra therapy and medicine for that to try and keep me out of the hospital - if possible.

Oh well, time for me to move on. If any of you guys are feeling STUCK[\i] and have been in therapy w no progress ... Get this book and take a brutally honest look at yourselves it could help save you.

sonlite

 

[getteddie]

Dear Sonlite,
You sound a little afraid of the hospital thing...don't be...that's the only way that they can teach you to really deal with this shit...how to control your parts...have meetings between all of them...and make sure that you remain their leader...but you have to find the right hospital that deals with your thing. They will have fairly cool out patent training for 3 to 5 weeks...check it out. Good luck man, it will be you and 11 girls!

Eddie

 

[sonlite]

Hey geteddie and anybody else -

Well, I managed to keep myself out of the hospital, by taking a leave of absence from work. In just a few minutes, I'm going to drop off the offical paperwork. With the free time I managed to get an extra hour of therapy this week and have been sleeping in. And I was put on Zyprexa (an anti-psychotic - oh well) to help me settle down from all of the noise in there from everybody talking at once.

Otherwise, I am spending time, aimlessly driving around and getting to know my MEs.

Yes, it feels wierd to be writing this but it does make sense that after years of therapy I am learning that you can't help a 6y emotional meltdown w therapy geared towards a 37y. Thank God I am a child therapist myself bc it sorta gives me an edge in learning how to cope w all this.

Seeya,
sonlite

 

[getteddie]

Hey Sonlite,
Glad you took some time off! It's hard to find a therapist who works with DID but they can do wonders!!!!! They can train you to work with your parts and have them work for you! Takes awhile to get them to shut up once they start talking...most of them are scared and just need to feel safe. Takes lots of time but it's a new world!!!! I wish you luck with them....sometimes they fall in line, other times they freak out! You have to learn to talk to them before you can get them under control....let one go to work or shopping for you...do things that you don't want to do...while you lay back and rest up!!! Whatever...take care and look for a good DID Pro to teach you a few things!

Eddie