Thank You
fusionoflove
Registrant
First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone for making this site possible. Since the middle of July 2003 I'd been suffering from panic attacks. I never knew the cause of them. Everytime I tried to answer questions associated with them my answer to all of them would be no. I couldn't answer yes to anything which drove me even more crazy.
I'd been drinking heavily before, but then I started to drink a fifth a night. Sometimes even more, it all depended on the severity of my panic attacks that day. It brought me relief while I drank, but it worsened the the anxiety attacks. Picture going through withdrawal during the day coupled with anxiety attacks, not a pretty site.
I stopped drinking for a couple of months around the start of November, but my anxiety attacks persisted. So I started drinking a fifth a night again. I even stopped talking to friends, thoughts of suicide passed through my mind on a daily basis. So I quit again about 2 months ago. Did the anxiety attacks go away. Nope, not even close.
It's weird, but a friend of mine, she's 20, I'm 25 was finally able to ask me the question I couldn't ask myself. The question of course was, "were you raped?" For the first time in over a year and half I was able to answer yes to something. I cried for the first time and got on the internet to check out sites of male on male rape. BINGO! Every symptom I had and I mean every single symptom fit. Christ, I felt free.
It's crazy how the imagination, experience and social conditioning can affect your psyche. Here's the kicker, my anxiety attacks have subsided. They're not completely gone, but they're so damn manageable that as soon I feel one come along, I can reason it out finally. I know that I'm just having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I think my panic attacks really came down to feeling safe. Around men, I felt like I could be physically attacked at anytime. With women, I felt I would be emotionally attacked by them.
Every feeling I had before such as confusion over sexual indentity or possibly turning into a predator myself isn't my fault. These thoughts and feelings I had attached with them were not put there by me. They were put there by him. Why because he's a sexual predator. It's like this I guess. How do people react when someone hits them? Most of the time they'll hit back. To use violence with violence. For me because of him, violence and sex had became one. Hence my thoughts of being that type of person or possibly acting out with someone like him in a sexual manner was just about regaining power. How can you regain power that you never had in the first place? You can't.
It amazes me, but now the true memories of my sa are coming back to me. I guess they never would have if I never would've let myself say, I'm a victim and that I wasn't in control. I'm able to realize that violence and sex are not one. They're completely seperate from each other.
Well, I guess I could go on forever, but I'll leave you with this. Sexaul assault/rape is probably, no it is, the most underreported crime in the United States. As soon as I started talking about my experience with other people I came to find out how many people have been victims or know someone who has been. Anyway, take it easy everyone. And by the way, I just thought of this I didn't fit every single symptom of a rape victim. I didn't want my attacker dead, never did. Call it the lover in me that wants to break down walls and not create them.
Peace
I'd been drinking heavily before, but then I started to drink a fifth a night. Sometimes even more, it all depended on the severity of my panic attacks that day. It brought me relief while I drank, but it worsened the the anxiety attacks. Picture going through withdrawal during the day coupled with anxiety attacks, not a pretty site.
I stopped drinking for a couple of months around the start of November, but my anxiety attacks persisted. So I started drinking a fifth a night again. I even stopped talking to friends, thoughts of suicide passed through my mind on a daily basis. So I quit again about 2 months ago. Did the anxiety attacks go away. Nope, not even close.
It's weird, but a friend of mine, she's 20, I'm 25 was finally able to ask me the question I couldn't ask myself. The question of course was, "were you raped?" For the first time in over a year and half I was able to answer yes to something. I cried for the first time and got on the internet to check out sites of male on male rape. BINGO! Every symptom I had and I mean every single symptom fit. Christ, I felt free.
It's crazy how the imagination, experience and social conditioning can affect your psyche. Here's the kicker, my anxiety attacks have subsided. They're not completely gone, but they're so damn manageable that as soon I feel one come along, I can reason it out finally. I know that I'm just having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. I think my panic attacks really came down to feeling safe. Around men, I felt like I could be physically attacked at anytime. With women, I felt I would be emotionally attacked by them.
Every feeling I had before such as confusion over sexual indentity or possibly turning into a predator myself isn't my fault. These thoughts and feelings I had attached with them were not put there by me. They were put there by him. Why because he's a sexual predator. It's like this I guess. How do people react when someone hits them? Most of the time they'll hit back. To use violence with violence. For me because of him, violence and sex had became one. Hence my thoughts of being that type of person or possibly acting out with someone like him in a sexual manner was just about regaining power. How can you regain power that you never had in the first place? You can't.
It amazes me, but now the true memories of my sa are coming back to me. I guess they never would have if I never would've let myself say, I'm a victim and that I wasn't in control. I'm able to realize that violence and sex are not one. They're completely seperate from each other.
Well, I guess I could go on forever, but I'll leave you with this. Sexaul assault/rape is probably, no it is, the most underreported crime in the United States. As soon as I started talking about my experience with other people I came to find out how many people have been victims or know someone who has been. Anyway, take it easy everyone. And by the way, I just thought of this I didn't fit every single symptom of a rape victim. I didn't want my attacker dead, never did. Call it the lover in me that wants to break down walls and not create them.
Peace