Thank-you for this site *Trigger Warning*

[Jet1977]

I'm so happy to have found a forum like this one. It's time for me to really understand and talk about some of the things that happened to me when I was young. Only one person, my partner, knows what happened to me, and though he knows a lot, I haven't told him everything. I think I've finally found the right place to tell my story.

I'm not sure where to begin. From about age 5 until 14 I was abused by my father. He did awful things. There's just so much to it and sometimes I get so overwhelmed by what happened.

My dad did things that are so confusing to me and the worst part is that he between the ages of five to seven, he sometimes involved another child (my cousin). Basically, my dad made my cousin do things to me. The first time I remember, I was five, and my cousin was about seven. I have a really odd memory of sitting on my dad's lap and my cousin standing in front of us and touching me. I can sort of remember my dad talking to him and how tight my dad's arm was across my chest. Another time I remember I was lying on the bed, my dad was next to me and guiding my cousin's hand to my privates.

I think that's what makes everything so much worse for me. I think of the things my dad did not only to me but how he had to go and ruin another child's life too. It's as if my dad would have left him alone if it weren't for me? Maybe that doesn't make any sense, but I don't know how else to word it.

 

[Ceremony]

Welcome Jet1977.

I have read, and agree to it for myself, many get this place. Many understand what's here. Please read all the notices around each forum. Get to know things you might want to know?

Ask if you need more info.? There are a lot of resources on the Male Survivor Home Page too. Being aware is power, post a lot or a little, it's your truth, and every word is worthy!

 

[woodenshoes]

Jet1977

Welcome! I wish you success on your journey to find a way to heal from past wrongs. Parents are supposed to protect not hurt us. I'm sorry you experienced the wrong side of life. Take care.

Ws

 

[Shyshark]

Hi Jett ...

Welcome ... I'm glad you found us.

I do want to be firm in my response to "... dad would have left him alone if it weren't for me."
There's probably no way of knowing exactly how it all came about but there is one certainty ...

Nothing was your fault.

((( Jett )))

 

[Reality Dealer]

Jet1977-

Glad you found this web-site. Your dad lusted after children. My dad lusted and used me and tried to useother children. My dad and your dad are ill people.

While it is easy to follow the logic of eliminating one person from the abusive situation and thereby freeing the other, it is not sound logic. Your dad groomed his brother or sister and groomed your cousin to get your cousin to the point where he would listen to your dad. Your dad betrayed trust to his sibling and his nephew before he betrayed his trust with you. He used your cousin to do betray your trust with your cousin and your trust with your father.

Your dad damaged the relationship and corrupted it. You were going along as an innocent child and your cousin was as well. Your dad introduced the corruption of his own lusts to you and your cousin. That was an evil act. Your dad is guilty of those actions. Neither you nor your cousin are. Your cousin was not acting under free will and volition. Your dad was acting on his own free will and volition and he chose to violate the innocence of you and your cousin.

Unfortunately we cannot undo the past, but we can break the cycle in the future. Getting help sorting out the past is part of breaking the cycle.

You can do this Jet1977. Hang in there and go with the flow of the memories and the signs and signals your body is giving you. Integrating those things together can take a long time but in my experience is worth the effort.

Be well and post more.

 

[Jet1977]

Thank you everyone. Your words are so kind and I was so nervous about posting some of what happened to me. I just can't get past feeling guilty that my dad used my cousin. I carry so much shame and embarrassment because of it.

I don't know why, but some of my memories are so fuzzy and some are so clear. One time when I was about seven or so, my cousin, J, told my dad that he didn't want to play like that with me anymore. My dad got mad at him and told him he had to. I'll never forget J coming over and hitting me and pushing me down on the bed. After we finished doing it, J told me he hated me. I was so humiliated and I still don't blame him for feeling that way.

My dad always said that it was my fault of course, and I think his words are burnt into my mind. I know it wasn't my fault, but still, I hear his words blaming me for it all - the abuse with my cousin and the stuff that happened with just me and my dad. He said that it was me that gave him those feelings, and that even J liked doing things to me, and that it was me that put those feelings in them both. This is so embarrassing to say - it hurt more when my dad did things to me, but at the same time it was better than when J did, because I was so ashamed of what was happening.

 

[Ceremony]

Jet1977, Reality Dealer shared truth, you're not to blame. We know it, we get you. Your thinking, your truth is understood here. The hope is, that gentle reshaping of the perpetrators actions, and you the chosen target, can be shown to you? In other words less vague, he chose to make you his target. You can chose whether a survivor, victim, target, etc... fits your description, that can be triggering.

I'm sorry that happened to you, the betrayal is very difficult. That part brings on the ptsd for us. I hope you're already in therapy?

Be well, your truth is worthy.

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi Jet1977 - welcome

I'm glad you're here, in spite of the horrible circumstances that brought you.
You've made an important step in your healing journey. It's time to unpack and unload that burden of guilt, shame and embarrassment that you've carried for so long. That burden is solely your dad's.

You'll see, as you become more familiar with MS, that as little or as much as you're comfortable sharing will be accepted, acknowledged, and validated without judgement or condemnation. One of the most important things I learned when I joined is the realization that I'm not alone in dealing with this, the aloneness I carried for so many years. I hope you find that camaderie too.

It's sometime pretty hard to believe after all the grooming you had, but you should feel NO guilt for what happened to either you or J. It's sad your dad betrayed his responsibility as a parent, but you're out of that situation now. You owe it to yourself and to your partner to put memories of that childhood sexual assault in a dim memory.

Welcome and best wishes as you continue your healing journey

 

[manipulated]

Jet1977

Welcome! So sorry for what brings you here but you have broken the silence which is the start of putting the guilt and the shame back on the perpetrator. As others have said and as you know deep down you are NOT responsible for your cousin's reaction or actions or your father's. THAT guilt, shame, embarassment belong to the person who manipulated, cajoled, groomed you both and held you so tight across the chest that first time. You above describe the force of that hold. YOU HAD NO CHOICE. HE WAS YOUR FATHER. YOU WERE HELD IN PLACE the first time and probably others just as he held, guided and perhaps forced your cousins hand.

It took me months of therapy to intellectually begin to acknowledge the perp's guilt in my own case. (Scoutmaster who was a childhood friend of my father's and who was also an elder in our church and years before I really emotionally felt I was a victim and not the instigator as he told me too. May you find the real truth sooner not later and begin to "feel" and accept truth instead of the Perp's lies.

(It also helped me to stop using his name or any terms of honor or endearment so may I suggest "the" Perp, never my or mine; Perp instead of Dad or Father, as a real man who has responsibility for a child whether biological or otherwise does NOT abuse them as you were.

manipulated

 

[Jet1977]

Thank you so much everyone.

I'm having such a hard time with all of this lately. I'm trying to keep it together in front of my partner, but it's hard. I missed work again today and lied about the reason why to my husband, T.

I was doing so well up until about a month ago. I haven't thought much about my past in a long time, and now it's back haunting me. I feel like it's going to destroy me. I'm having nightmares every night and I can't concentrate on anything. I was so upset today that I just about made myself sick. T is very supportive, but I feel like I don't want to burden him with all of this.

Thanks for giving me a space to express myself.

 

[Ceremony]

Jet1977, you're worth it, being here... let it be safe... perhaps find a way to print some of the description of our needs, our reality, that are on the MS homepage links. Show them to your husband.

Keep this new part low key if you want to, but maybe read the hope, the love, yearning for connecting to partners that the forum Family and Friends shows. There are partners that know how hard it can be for the abused. I have seen how thinking about us could be...

I get you, you're emotions, like many here, get into a traffic jam a mile long... when will it clear up?! I cry, not often with anyone, but I let it out... and in time, a shower, food, get back on my feet. If I could add my wife to that, affirmation and hugs... my stress would reduce faster. I hope you try that... it's perhaps a risk... we can't know a response until it's sought... knowing though... I think is better.

I'm not saying it's easy. If when seeking love, I am rejected for past hurts, or my partners inability to show compassion or appropriate love signals, then, that's added risk of pain. If that happens... you're not alone! It will be more to deal with.

 

[victor-victim]

dear Jet1977,

your story was a trigger. such stuff always hurts me to hear. but thank you for telling it like it is. honesty is the best policy, and may be the only way out of our memory holes.

thank you for sharing, and congratulations on finding the courage to speak out, and welcome to this forum.

 

[KMCINVA]

Jet1977

I am sorry for what you have lived. It is a terribly thing for a child to live.

My abuser was a priest, and he too at times had an older boy with us and the older boy was made to do things to me. Only recently have I come to accept the older boy did those thing to me as a way to protect me from the priest, a way for us to get it over with so we could get out of there. For most of my life I despised this boy until I realized in a twisted way he was protecting me from the priest. Sadly the boy committed suicide a few years after it ended. I relate with having another child involved but I can only imagine how it is compounded when it is your father. Yes, perverts have sick and warp minds. It was not your fault your cousin was brought into the abuse. If it had not been him, your father would have found another child.

It takes time to process and accept what happened was not your fault. You should put the blame where it belongs, on your father. I can tell you that is where it belongs and I know it is hard to accept. I am one who says do as I say and not as I do. I have difficulty with not carrying guilt. I am working on it and you will need to accept it as part of healing.

I wish you well on your journey to heal. Remember we are here for each other.

Kevin

 

[Winterfr3sh]

Jet

Welcome. Sorry to hear everything that's happened to you... I'm sorry you've been through this.

I'm glad you're alive. Let your story be heard. PM me any time. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to.

-Winter

 

[zookeeper]

Jet

It seems odd to welcome someone to a group where the entry price is terrible. But it's a good group of great guys and you are welcome.
Zoo