Thank you for supporting my son

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Thank you for supporting my son
B

BrianMiko

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Hello,
My son (who signed up here as LostandTroubled) has come to my wife and I today and told us about this message board (along with other things that he may choose to also reveal to you all later).
Needless to say, the abuse came as a great shock to the whole family. We realized he'd been depressed and moody since starting junior high but we thought that it was just a phase of growing up; we never imagined something like this was going on. You read about sexual abuse on the internet and in the papers and you think "That happens to other people, poor kids." But when it's your child your world turns upside down. Neither my wife or I have suffered abuse ourselves in the past and we were completely unprepared to deal with such a blow. When our children (we have a daughter too) were young we could easily take care of their problems - we drove the monsters out of their closets. This time, we feel completely helpless because we couldn't protect our child from REAL monsters in the world.
We did know about the first instance of abuse - he'd been hurt so badly that he'd been taken to the hospital - there was no way that could have kept a secret. Our main regret is that we didn't get him counseling then. He claimed that he'd been hit very hard in the head and didn't remember much - we've only just found out that he remembers it all - and then said at the time that he wasn't ready for counseling. Believe me, now, we could kick ourselves for not getting him the help he needed then. I only think that maybe if he'd been in therapy after the first incident he may have told us sooner about his other two abusers.
He will be going into therapy soon and we're hoping to find a support group (face to face support) so that he can go there if he'd like. But, he told us that he'd been feeling suicidal and the members here had pulled him out of those feelings enough that he wouldn't try to hurt himself right now - THANK YOU!! HIS MOTHER AND I THANK YOU IMMENSELY!! We know he's been depressed but we never thought he was contemplating suicide.
I've looked around the site and it looks like a very good place for him. I hope he comes back here to get the support he needs. We have a very long road ahead of us but now that we've taken our first baby steps, we're going to keep moving forward. I'm very thankful for this site and for everyone who's supported him (and for those who will in the future).
His mother and I may come to the family and friends board again to vent frustrations or seek advice (we are using the same account because we probably won't be here that much - we hope that's ok - we'll make sure you know who's posting). We're really at a loss over how to help our son right now. He says he doesn't really know what he wants or needs either. He did say he wants to be left alone but considering his past suicidal feelings, that isn't going to happen.
Thank you again from all of us. We're giving our son all the time he needs on the board.
Brian and Miko
 
BrianMiko,

Your son is very fortunate to have you for parents. I hope you will check out this sites resources listed on the Home page, and visit Family and Friends as often as you need. There are great people here.

Mary
 
Brian - I am so pleased that your son has been able to tell both yourself and your wife about the abuse that he has experienced. I think that He has every chance of dealing with this because you are obviously ready to support Him.

I hate that these things happen, but he has done the right thing telling you....34 years since I was abused (12)& my parents are both dead so they will never know (?).

Tell Him that we support Him here and that He can still be what He wants to be....life is for living!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Your son is a very brave person. I wish i could have confronted my abusers many years ago.

You are heading in the right direction. Keep up the hard work, you'll all get though it.
Gus
 
Hello,
I'm Lost's mother - Michiko (my husband only calls me Miko). I am so happy he has found a place to talk about what happened. We do not really know what to do except take him to therapy. We are taking it one day at a time. It is very difficult. I hope being here will help him and I am glad you have welcomed us to post on family board also.
Thank you very much.
Michiko
 
Hi,

Your son is an incredibly brave and strong lad, and with parents such as yourselves, he's going to make it, please don't put blaim upon your shoulders, it doesn't belong there and it isn't helping you, the situation nor your boy. It's a testament to your love that you may place blaim (about protecting him and so on) on yourselves, but the sad truth is that there is no way to provide a failsafe security for kids. What you can do and I think you are doing is provide the safest of environments at home.
I've spend several hours with your son in the chatroom and I must say that his strenght is amazing. He'll be ok.

"A leaf is only as green as the tree from which it sprouts"

Daniel
 
I contemplated suicide more times than I care to think about--even after the caring people in my life figured out that I was hurting. Kids can keep secrets and they can keep that secret. They keep it from each other too, not just from their parents. You're doing right to keep an eye on him and to give him all the time he needs in a supportive place. But if he can find time to be himself let him be himself too. He's at a time when people define themselves by who they know, what they do, how they act-- let him have healthy definitions that aren't "hurt" and "abused" and "depressed".

peace
SAR
 
Hi,
From reading what the both of you have writen about your son I would say he's not to lost. The fact he was able to trust you enough to tell you about his abuse and to tell you he found this web site says a lot about the both of you as partents. Just remember that just like your son has been told here that he's not alone in this joureny well niether are ya'll. You have every one of us to try our best to help you. Your right the road ahead of you isnt going to be easy. There are going to be tears, anger, phone calls with therapist, and probley some long night's (you think cutting teeth was bad ;) ). But just know that you have taken the first major step in his recovery. You are showing him that he can trust you. As a survivor myself I know that for me learning to trust again was the biggest step in my recovery. Im sure others would have something they would say it "the biggest step" in there's but for me trust was mine. Keep up the good work.
James
 
Brian and Miko,

First of all, your son is a very brave, very wonderful young man, and I am SO PROUD that he told you. I'm also VERY proud of you guys for believing him, standing by him, and getting him the help he needs.

I wish it were more common that parents do this. I thoroughly believe that parents believe their children more now, but when I was abused (by a middle school counselor when I was 11-12, so I REALLY know what your son is going through right now), who would've I told? My parents? Well, my mother, she was the most important thing in my life, and the mosnter who did this to me told me she'd never understand and that she'd hate me. My father and I didn't have the greatest relationship (Understatement!), and he hated "faggots" and would've considered me one. With this in my head, and other things this pervert did to me added for good measure, I repressed and didn't fully remember what was done to me until a year ago.

Suicide? Oh, hell, yes, I considered it, planned it, tried it, and still struggle with it. Fortunately for me, I do have people in my corner now, as well as the brothers and sisters here, and they've saved my life more than once. It's important to take these things seriously and LISTEN when someone tells you they're going to take their lives, and you have done so wonderfully!

Brian, this is particularly to you. Lost may or may not be going through some really powerful concerns regarding his sexuality. These animals have probably told him many things that aren't true in order to get him to go along. He may also be dealing with masculinity issues, because, after all, "men don't get raped, and boys don't get raped." (BROTHER! PLEASE!!). He needs to hear from you especially that these things do happen to men, and that it doesn't make him any less of one or gay (bigger issues here, so I'm just throwing this in if it's a concern for him) because these people used him this way. He knows in more than one case he was threatened and lured with alcohol, but he may feel to blame and "less of a man" because of it. He isn't, and I think this isn't something you're afraid of, but he may be concerned YOU feel this way, and he needs to hear this.

Miko (lovely name! I work with people from Japan and I've always loved this name for women), he also needs to hear CONSTANTLy that none of this is his fault. He has mentioned that he still doesn't believe it. It takes time to, especially in his case, because these people (God, I HATE calling them "people!") used many tricks and techniqes to make him think he was a willing partner and "enjoyed" it. He didn't. I can tell you that through my own experience. Once again, I know this isn't the case with you and Brian, but Lost needs to hear this repeatedly.

God, I wish I had a father like you, Brian. You and Miko are facing this with great compassion and heart. Again, I'm proud of you both, and I thank you both, for Lost, and for myself because you tell me there's hope for everyone.

Peace and love, and sorry this was so long!'

Scot
 
Brian and Miko

When I was fifteen two men started sexually abusing me. I did tell my parents about one of them, but the other I kept a secret. The abuse did not stop until I was twenty. By then I was totally lost in the world. It was so hard to tell friends from foes and almost everyone in authority seemed dangerous to me. I am twenty-seven now, and I have been in therapy for a couple of years. The first therapist I saw was a pretty bad one. He was nice enough, and I think he sincerely wanted to help me, but he just did not know how. So as you try to find help for your son you should keep in mind that some therapists are better than others, and even from the good ones, you still have to find one your son can trust.

Because my parents did know about one of the people that abused me, they did try to get me some help. But the third or fourth therapist they tried told them I was not ready to deal with any of this. That was the last therapy appointment I remember from childhood and that makes me very sad to think about. From my point of view then, my parents and therapist gave up on me because I was not willing to progress on their timeline. But processing these events and emotions and recovering a sense of identity has no timeline. You must remember when you feel frustrated and exhausted, your son probably feels those same things ten times over.

I was married for about four years and my wife tried so hard to help me it was not until after we were married that I really understood how much I still had to work through. But she also had trouble with things not happening as fast as she thought they should, and she wanted me to help her through that frustration. But there was nothing I could do to help her I could only just help myself. I have often wondered how things might have been different for us if she had also found some help for herself.

If I could go back in time and talk to all the people that tried to help me along the way if I could share with them some of the things I know now I would tell them that trying to help me is going to be frustrating and demanding. And because of that, they probably cant do it alone. Books, support groups, and web sites like this one are all places that the people that support us can support themselves. I read the posts in the family and friends section quite often, and I am always touched by how much those people care about their survivors. I think it is often overlooked how much sexual abuse can affect the people that love the survivor.

I wish so much that your son did not have to make the journey that we are all making. But it is so wonderful that he has such devoted and involved parents helping to guide him right from the outset.

Wrangler
 
Thank you to everyone who replied. We're both here now kind of surfing the board - I'm typing this while Michiko watches. Our son is in his room right now with his music on. We are very proud of our son for telling us - we realize it's some of the hardest news you can tell someone.
The hardest thing for us right now is the distance he's putting between us. We really would like to be there for him and he wants to be alone most of the time. It's difficult because we've always been so close and it hurts a lot to know that there are things hurting him that he isn't telling us. We gave him a journal to write down his feelings in if he wants to and told him we're here anytime he needs to talk.
We both realize that he is dealing with his sexuality and I've offered to talk to him about it whenever he wants. I doubt he's gay (he does have two posters of bikini models in his room) but should he ever tell me he is, I certainly wouldn't think any less of him. We're all going to sit down sometime and really look over the site and talk openly about some of the articles. We knew it did happen to other boys when he told us, but coming here helps him to realize that he is not alone and I hope that helps him feel better.
It really angers us that anyone would hurt our child - we're still a bit of shock. I, personally, would like five minutes alone with those guys and a baseball bat. Of course violence isn't an answer but that is how I feel. They had no right to violate him like that.
We are thankful that this message board exists. He says everyone has been very kind and supportive and that he intends to come back as long as it takes.
We've asked him not to give out his full name, but I've noticed everyone calling him 'Lost' - now that he's found, you can call him by his nickname: Nao (pron. like 'now'). Since I've noticed most people are on a first name basis, we decided it was okay to share his nickname with you.
Thank you all again, very much. :)
Brian and Michiko
 
Brian and Miko

we drove the monsters out of their closets.
Click to expand...
And you're going to do it again !

My closet - the one between my ears - was sealed shut for 31 years, way too long. I needed someone to prise the door open, your son's door is already ajar.

Take care, and I hope we can be of help. If you have any problems, questions or concerns about what goes on here just ask myself or one of the excellent Moderating team, we're here to help.

Dave
 
Brian and Miko

I am new here to this site also, and I have found everyone here to be supportive, patient and understanding. I have two children who were abused; one a daughter and one a son.

Our daughter came forward first, four years after her abuse, and only then did we find out about our son's abuse which happened around the same time as his sister's. We understand completely about the keeping secrets thing, not just from us and their friends, but from eachother as well, because neither of them knew what had happened to the other.

They are very close because of this ordeal, being able to understand how the other is feeling. They are great kids, and they take care of eachother so much now, very protective and loving.

Support and patience, I guess are the most important things you can give your son right now. Leave the therapy part to the therapists, just be there for him for whatever he may need from you. The fact that he came to you speaks volumes about the love and trust he has in you both. I'm definitely not speaking as an expert here, because God knows I'm still learning how to help my own kids. All I do know is that I feel that I can vent here, and cry here, and no one will judge me or think I'm crazy or over reacting.

People in my own circle of friends and relatives may listen, and may be sympathetic, but NO ONE knows how this feels unless they've been there. I consider this site a blessing, and I will be recommending it to anyone I know who has been or knows a victim. I know that the people on this site know how I feel, and know how my kids feel.

God bless you and your family, you're on the right track. We're going through the same stuff, and are working on getting counseling for our son (our daughter has been in therapy since August).

Best wishes and much love...
 
Nao, Brian and Miko have been exposed as the work of a fraudster.
The topic has been closed

Lloydy
 
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