Thank You all and I welcome all responses

Thank You all and I welcome all responses
K

kaceechase

Registrant
My name is Ken and I was Molested by my uncle when i was 4 or 5. It happened several times and was not violent. Becuase I was adopted at 3 months old and later saw a film that established in my childs mind that Adopted Kids could be sent back to the Orphanage I developed Foster Care syndrom. I didn't allow myself to form close contacts, even with my family. I always knew that at any time they would send me back to the Orphanage.

So of course they couldn't find out How Bad I was to allow this to Happen with my uncle. Then later as I grew to Know that I was Gay (a sin in the southern baptist household} I couldn'e allow them to find out about that either. Basically what I am trying to say is my entire Life was spent Playing the role of what other wanted me to be to keep them Happy so I wouldn't be sent Back to the Orphanage. (I do know that wasn't real but to my childs mind it was)

I have spent my entire life juggling who i was and who i was suppose to be and always having to hide anything that cuased anything less than Happiness in others. I couldn't be ME! I LIVED IN FEAR EVERY MOMENT OF MY LIFE! FEAR THAT THEY WOULD FIND OUT! FEAR THAT SOMEONE WOULF=D HURT ME! FEAR THAT I WOULD LOSE EVERYTHING! FEAR THAT EVERYONE WOULD FIND OUT HOW EVIL AND BAD I WAS! And I am having a real Hard time Not falling back into all that fear.

I have spent years in and out of therapy and counseling. I have done a lot of self help and do feel I am in a much better Place. My Brother had 3 children and before I would allow myself to be near them I had to find out if I could Hurt them. If I could become Like my uncle so I looked intp that deepest and hardest place and Found A Loving Non Molesting soul. It forced me to do alot of dealing and That is no longer a dark cloud hanging over me.

I guess the point is that I have dealt with so Much and let go of so much-I accept that I am a Gay Man and that I am a Good person and that I am Not evil. I know the tapestry of most of my life and can see why things happened and how they hurt me and how others helped me. I thought i had even let go of my uncle-Who is Dead now. I thought I had let go of his nasty influence on my soul. I thought I had moved on.

But the one thing i can not seem to find is self esteem. No matter what I do-I still sabatoge myself. Just when something good happens and things seem to be looking up. I sabatoge it. I know I am still doing it and I know why But I can't seem to find ME! I have had to pretend for so long.

I want to thank those who I have read already and those I will read for helping me to know I am not alone. I forget that one. I think MY situation wasn't so bad and dismiss my feelings so easily. Thank you for sharing your lives and Thank you for having this site. It is a salvation to me.

I will continue to read and learn and grow and thank you again.
 
Hello Ken:

Welcome! As you will so often hear us say around here, I am very sorry for what happened to you. But I am very glad that you are here now, among friends. A greater bunch of guys you will not find anywhere on the planet.

First, let me say that I think any act against a child is a violent act. It does violence to the soul, if not to the body. And the damage (as you have discovered, and as we are all discovering) is immense and has life-long implications.

I, too, spent a lot of my adult life bouncing around from therapist to therapist. As if I was a light bulb that needed changing, needed fixing somehow. But there was nothing wrong with me. What was wrong was what had been done to me by my older brother.

I get angry sometimes thinking how so many of those therapists took my checks and missed the clues. But this was a few years ago. Perhaps today things would be different.

Ken, I can only imagine the pain that you went through as an adopted child, thinking that at any moment you could be returned. How horrid for you! Yes, I can imagine it would affect your self-esteem. And I think more than a few of us understand that tendency to self-sabotage.

As to your being gay, here's what I say about that...To me, I have always thought of my sexuality as a gift from God. Sometimes it isn't easy putting up with prejudice. Sometimes a few of the guys here have even wondered if the abuse "made them gay." Something that is most definitely not true, IMHO. As I have said of myself on a few occasions, my sexuality was a gift from God that not even my brother could spoil. And thank God for that!

So welcome, Ken. You are here among friends. And feel free to chime in whenever you want, in whatever way feels comfortable.

All the best to you!

Jasper
 
Hi Ken:

Welcome to this forum. YOu will find some really understanding men here who accept each other and support each other.

First of all, I want to say that you needn't minimize what you went through. Abuse is abuse no matter what form it takes, no matter how non-violent it was, no matter how many times it happened. YOu were betrayed and deceived. YOu were also frightened into keeping the secret because of your perceived repercussions. You were abused and there's no better or worse.

When we spend so much of our lives pretending to be something or anything for the sake of keeping the peace or pleasing other people it's hard to keep from slipping back into that pattern. It was the way we were able to survive for so many years. We tend to cling to the familiar even when it's got negative consequences.

YOu will also find that most of us who suffered CSA have low self-esteem. We were given the message very young that we were worth nothing to adults in our lives except for their own gratification. We were told we were worthless, we were damaged goods, we were trash....

It's important that you continue with the counseling and therapy. Along with the support from the folks in this forum, we can help each other find the core of who we are and what we can do to overcome the stacked odds against us.

PLease feel free to PM me whenever you need to. Sometimes each of us may have issues that we don't feel comfortable posting in a public forum and are reluctant to PM someone for fear that we're "imposing" on them. So, the invitation is there whenever you need it. I'm glad you're here and hope that we can learn from each other and help everyone including ourselves in the process.

SD
 
Welcome to this excellent site Ken.

I can certainly relate to the fear that others would find out how bad I was and even that I would find out. My discomfort around children was the result of the lie sown with the abuse and I feel sad now that I lived with that myth and fear for so long, but it was such a relief to know that it was never true and that there was nothing evil in me.

When I find myself minimising the abuse and its effects, I know now its an attempt to escape from feeling the reality of just how painful it is.

I understand the self-sabotage also though its not as severe as it used to be but I am not finding it so easy to change, I trust it will though.

Welcome to the site, looking forward to hear more from you.

Peter.
 
Thank you all so Much. It is Helping. I have wanted for so Long to Just be able to say things and have someone anyone understand. I have been searching for my "Good Will Hunting" Moment. "it's Not Your Fualt". And no Matter How many times I saw the Movie or said it to Myself it didn't stick as Much as This site has in less than 24 hours.

I have read some of each of your other Messages and Thank you for your responses. It Helps so Much. I will share more as time goes on. I feel Like I have found a Home and as you all probably know that isn't said lightly.

Thank you!
 
Yes, it is a home. Similar to how we can form a family of choice through friends, this site can be a home of choice, a place to come and be welcomed and accepted.
Steve
 
Thanks for the posting Ken. Sabotage is my middle name! Your words helped shed some light on my own situation.

As long as I can remember, I have sabotaged most relationships that I have been in (romantic or otherwise), out of fear that those individuals will get too close. When I was in college and graduate school, I was infamous for allowing coursework go incomplete and jeopardizing my academic success.

Keep your thoughts coming.
Vernon
 
Just a current example:

I come on here and have the best day of my life chatting and reading and knowing that there are others that think and feel like me. I cried alot but it was a good way. Then I spent the next day doing something i Know isn't good for me and Doesn't make me feel good in some lame attempt to find love and happiness, Blah Blah Blah. I know i am doing it but feel helpless to stop it. And No it in no way indangers anyone else, Just self Sabatoge at it Grandure. But Thank for the replys I haven't given up nor do I plan to. But Damn IT! I am Tired!
Thank everyone
 
Dear Friend:

Life is sometimes about taking two steps forward and one step back. And sometimes about taking four steps forward and one step back. And sometimes, about running in place.

But you know what? If you can look back and see that where you started is farther away than where you would like to be...that's what we call "progress."

YOU ARE MAKING PROGRESS!!

You're here, aren't you?

Be gentle, friend. And loving with yourself.

Good night,

Jasper
 
i have been crying alot too. Seems i thought i had a friend who was helping me work through some issues. Now they are gone and who knows what happened to them. Just dissapeared, so now i am hurt and kinda upset....

the double edged sword from facing some things i have kept hidden since my father molested me when i was a boy. Strange how these things affect us through the rest of our life.

ted
 
Ted, I am so sorry that you don't have your friends in your life right now. But you have a bunch of buddies right here. So do keep posting!

Take care,

Jasper
 
Ken,
Please see my PM.

SD
 
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