testing and acting out

testing and acting out
C

Caetel

Registrant
Someone mentionned in an earlier post about male survivors testing their partners.
I have been aware of that but I was wondering how it can be separated (or may be not) from acting out.
I told a psychiatrist friend of mine about V's acting out. I thought at the time it was a sign of "progress" but he told me on the contrary that acting out was a sign of regression.
If male survivors can guide me through the unknown, invisible rules of "testing". 'Cos so far in my case all the rules were established and reestablished every time so I would fail.
Thank you in advance
Caro
 
Caro
the "invisible rules of "testing" must surely change with the situation and the individual?

But 'test' we do, for many reasons and effects.

I think that most of it though is down to insecurity.
'WE' feel insecure about our relationships - all relationships whether with a loved one or a friend - and the fear we feel that the relationship will come to an end if the other person discovers what ( we believe ) we're really like.
We believe that we're perverts, not worthy of true love, and all the rest of it, so why would anyone want to stay with us ?

But because we very successfuly hide all this ( before disclosure ) we test our relationships in a misguided attempt to maintain them.
But the other person doesn't share our false beliefs, they see us as the person we actually are.
So when we start testing they have no idea of what we're doing, so 'we' have the upper hand and can easily manipulate the situation to provide the test.

My wife knows about this now, and when I relapse into this behaviour which I still do when stressed or depressed she gives me a sharp reminder of what I'm doing. Which is good because the behaviour is so ingrained that I can still slip into it without recognising it.

How do I test?
My 'prefered method' is to act submissive to the extent she feels guilty about whatever it is we're discussing and then she changes her mind.
That way I become the victim, the martyr, and the winner all in one go.
It's actually very easy with practice, I'm ashamed to say.

Recently my wife asked me what I wanted to do one Saturday, and then reeled off a list of things that I knew we had to do, there was no getting away from these things and they were no more unpleasant than goint to visit my parents, buy a new PC monitor, get a few things from the supermarket and take flowers to the cemetary. Just normal everyday stuff.
But I didn't feel like doing all this in one go, and made 'unenthusiastic noises'( Victim ). To which she rightly responded, "it's got to be done, let's just do it quickly" Fair comment.

Then I went into 'martyr' - and agreed wholeheartedly, saying "of course, there's no need to rush either, take however long YOU want" with much emphasis on doing what she wanted, it didn't make any difference to me.

Which then result in her saying, "we'll go to your parents, pick up the monitor ( a nice new toy for me of course ) and I'll drop you off at home" ( to play with your toy ) I got a result - I won.

And importantly tests like that show to me - in their very misguided way - that she loves me, why else would she be so considerate?
But we all know that's rubbish.

Years ago I was much more manipulative, to the extent that I would actuall cause great distress and upset, but that 'showed' me that even in times of upset she stuck by me, even if I had been guilty of engineering the situation. But the manipulation didn't count to me, I only saw the process from the martyr point onwards. I NEVER thought that I was doing anything wrong.

The really sad part about these behaviours is that we get good at them, and our partners haven't got a clue as to what's actually going on, to the extent they begin to believe that they ARE at fault.

If a partner recognises these things then I would say challenge them.
Not the individual situation that's being manipulated, but the behaviour that drives it.

Does that make sense ?

Dave
 
Here's the thing: we all do that to some extent, depending on how insecure we are. SA isn't the only reason people come to doubt they could possibly be loved.
 
My biggest downfall, is that I can really be so loving and deep feeling with a girl, she can feel so good to be with me.

I then smash it up, by thinking so many negative thoughts, like, what if I f*ck it up again, or, what will she think of my past.

I always suppose I think that I cannot burden any girl with all of this hurt, it is not right for her, and if I do, then will she still walk out.

Yes, I am afraid I deny my relationships, because of my past, and it is not right, nor is it my fault, but I am working on it, because the last relationship was meant to be.

I miss here so much, it hurts, but it is only like all the other hurt I went through,

ste
 
Thank you for your input and honesty in the sharing.
Reality2k4, have you ever thought that a girl in love with you could actually be willing to help your pain ? Women are usually perceived as weak creatures but I can tell you that all the women I know are pretty tough, very strong mentally. I can tell you that with V I was prepared to handle a lot and I would have been a release for me to know. Instead, V pushed me away, may be wanting to protect me but this is more unbearable than actually facing the reality.
There is always a risk that disclosing the abuse will lead to the other person leaving. I have come to understand (with friends or loved ones) that the people who left did not leave because of me, they left because they were unclear about that issue within themselves.
Maybe in what you are describing there is an important issue that is left unreasolved: the capacity to be vulnerable. As a survivor, I have experience letting myself be vulnerable to love. It was one of the bravest things I have ever done and I remembered feeling defenseless with such intensity that I thought for a day someone will come to murder me ! Irrational thought that obviously showed the intense fear I had inside of me.
I also think that things are not black and white and a partner who is not co dependent can assess the level of support she can give. She cannot provide for everything her man needs emotionally.
I can tell you as a partner (and I am also thinking of other female partners )that after hearing V sharing with me part of his past, reading his testimony, understanding the kind of abuse he experienced and also guessing about the rapes he went through made me love him even more and made me feel admirative of his courage.
It takes time and a lot of mistakes for us survivors to be able to create good communication and sustain a relationship that is not based on pass or fail.
Sigh ! Sometimes going back to the hurt we know how to handle gives us a sense of comfort and safety but it does not mean it is good for us or that we should stick with that.
I don't know your girlfriend, but I can tell you that I have been in the same position she is right now and it hurts real bad and I would prefer a million time going through V's pain with him, be with him, comfort and encourage him rather that be pushed away and left like this.
Thank you again for your sharing
Caro
 
Caro, thanks for giving me the female perspective on this subject.

I have made my mind up, to tell a girl pretty quick about my past, before it gets to mess me up again, then if she wants to carry on, then that is OK.

V is protecting you, because he does not want you hurt. It is real tough, and everyone is different,I suppose he has had relationships go sour in the past, I dont know.

There can be difficulties like this; you may want to go to a movie or a party, and he may just need space, and he may push you away, then you feel hurt, but it is just how he will feel.

There is a difference between male and female abuse survivors, the difference is women are more open about themselves, to a man though, who suffered as a young boy, then it is like stealing his manhood away.

If you read through this forum, then you can get a picture of all the common emotions that men perceive.

All abuse both male and female has its horrendous common difficulties, and they are hugely differing depending on a lot of different factors.

We all know that the most common of these factors, is the silence, and how it has affected relationships with peers, parents, authorities, to name but a few.

The silence builds up inside, and it has to have some way out, and a positive way out, without resorting to anger, or despair.

If I look at your comment on the real fear that someone is going to murder you, then that was my constant fear as a kid, because I was threatened with my life, and that of my family.

As a 10yo, I suppose he would never have told the cops everything that really happened, because he did not have the communication skills or mental processing needed to tell, in case those threats were real.

It is immensely difficult, but keep yourself safe, and I hope it works out OK,

take care,

ste
 
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