Test - Challenge

[Elad1]

So I have been invited to a dinner by a guy I met at the beach. There will be two other couples attending as well. The thing is, the guy who invited me is really coming on strong, in his text he will write like "hey sexy" "hi gorgeous" and It really makes me uncomfortable. But I don't have many friends and want to establish healthy relationships. I don't know if this push-back I'm feeling is all in my head or justified. Here is my issue, my abuse was constant unwanted aggression and I freeze. Although I want to establish friendships, I don't want to have sex. I am way to stressed to think about sex with all the stuff from the past is in my mind. The abuse I experience taught me to acquiesce and this is where I am. I would like to ask for help in language I can use in the event this guy tries to push himself onto me. I'm sorry this is very difficult for me and yes I can simply not go and decline the invitation but I feel this can be a place where I can experience growth and new pathways to defend boundaries and perhaps learn new skill set. Any advice would be really appreciated as to vocabulary or responses to an advance. Thank you.
Elad

 

[Ceremony]

Elad1, I hear a need for compassion, a desire that your needs be met, and that's so right. How long, how long must we... long for the relationship deserved? He is coming on very strong, too strong, or with the hope he has for sex, he's reinforcing a bond he's used to, he's found normal? And it's pushy.

I too would want to have open discussions about my needs, met with immediate validation. Hesitance by this new potential partner (could it be more) has to meet the need of being the new protector of ourselves desire. Forgive me that projecting.

I need to protect myself, there's always vigilance with me, watching and surveillance, checking tone of voice, and eye contact, any twist and push, already perceived. And since it's already perceived, I would be biased to be sensitive about more pushiness. Then I would be on guard. (Should I preface this, that I'm speaking of myself hypothetically?) (I don't have experience doing what I'm thinking right now, except being hyper vigilant, that I've done.)

If I could talk to him, and if I had the chance, it would be right away. If I liked him, I would have to give him a chance to know I'm needing to take my time. I accept that's not always wanted, but I need my time to develop how I see things going. I don't want to be enticed or asked until I give signals

And that last Elad1 is what I would say.

 

[C. E.]

Hi, Elad. I agree with the essence of what Ceremony has said. I just wanted to add something not so much by way of advice but rather observation.

Sexy. Gorgeous. Those words objectify. They don't address Elad - a person who is so much more. They don't address you. They almost come across as texted cat calls. And I don't even know if that's a survivor issue or just basic respect. Many women I know who have not had abuse issues would find similar remarks offensive.

I can't tell you where his head is at. He may be wonderful and loving and this is just a weird snippet that you need only gently correct him on. But it hits you as discordant fur a reason. Respect what your heart is telling you. While the words seem complimentary, they essentially describe you like someone would describe a piece of produce when picking the best of the bunch. In my experience - and this is just me - I'd be happy to be considered the best of the bunch. Thank you for the compliment. But please keep shopping. I'm waiting for someone who wants to pick Eirik.

 

[physicsfriend]

Hi Elad,

I can definitely understand why you'd be uncomfortable and I don't think you need to justify that to yourself or anyone. He's coming on strong, and whether he means any harm by it or not, you're uncomfortable. My suggestion would be that you contact him via text before you go to the event. It's a LOT easier to express boundaries in text when you have all the time in the world to compose what you want to say than to do it on the spot with someone looking you full in the face.

I'd suggest you let him know that you're looking forward to the dinner, but also plainly request that he stop using terms of endearment that make you uncomfortable. Then maybe a script like "Hey, Beach Friend! I'm looking forward to dinner tonight/tomorrow/whatever. I wanted to request, though, if you could please not use greetings or terms for me like 'hi gorgeous' and 'hi sexy'. It's probably not your intention, but I don't feel comfortable being referred to that way. I guess I could have mentioned this earlier, but better late than never! See you soon!"

Hopefully he'll respond with "oh, not a problem! Sorry, I'm just in the habit" or something like that. If he gives you push-back though, I'd seriously reconsider dinner with him. He might try to make you feel like you're being unreasonable or over-sensitive or can't take a joke or can't take a friendly compliment or something. All of that is bullshit. You have every right to make requests about how you are referred to by others and those are not negotiable. Sexual abuse survivor or not, it makes no difference. Your requests should be respected, no questions asked. If he's not willing to respect something as simple as "please don't use terms for me that upset me" what other sorts of boundaries might he feel entitled to override?

Wishing you the best!

 

[Free Radical]

I agree w the others here. The question does come, if this guy is truly interested in you, what would be an appropriate way for him to show it to you verbally? In other words, i might find myself talking w someone in that way, w/o meaning anything negative. But if I truly care about the person and not jus myself, I should be willing to hear their preferences.

Eirik is right, these terms objectify. My only comment is that any way that we address each other is in some way objectifying...(in the good sense) and we aren't fully aware of when objectifying becomes bad. Our self is abstract and to address each other by names or words is automatically objectifying. How to do that w/o degrading is another question. Our culture doesn't help us much. So this guy might be full of good intentions... There are easy ways to find out, as physics pointed out above...

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi Elad,

As you mentioned, the text greetings are pretty aggressive, which rightfully can be a real turn off. But I think his body language when you met at the beach is equally important in deciding if the text messages are leading in a direction you're not ready to go.

I think another consideration would be whether the two other couples attending are your friends, mutual friends or strictly his friends only. If they are his friends only and you don't know how they behave, the situation could get out of your control more easily.

Whichever way you decide, best wishes.

Blue

 

[Shyshark]

Hi Elad ...

Does he know about your abuse?

also ...

Does he come to your home?

 

[Elad1]

Thanks so much guys! I feel affirmed and validated for how I feel. I was told that it is okay to ask for help and yet it is still difficult, so asking for help and getting feedback is a solid victory for me and I am so glad I asked.


ShyShark, No he doesn't know, he is a casual friend I met at the beach. Bluedogone, the other couple are his friends. Free Radical, you raise an awesome question to ask myself, if this guy had more of an interest in Elad rather than a piece of produce as Eric mentioned. Physicsfriend, your suggestions really get to the heart of how I will respond with clarity. Eric, yes thanks for stating the words used in this persons text for what they are, objectifying by overlooking Elad as a valued person. And Ceremony, thanks for driving the realization that his comments are pushy.

Although I'm flattered and can buy into being objectified but ultimately doing so would lead me down a path that I would ultimately regret. Going into this with full awareness is half the battle, it allows me to see more clearly that although I believe this person is good, the language and come-on is causing much disturbance in my mind, like a washing machine. And here my fellow survivors see it for what it is and I honor you all for taking the time to help me to really understand what is going on here, something I had a hard time through the distorted lens in which I see. I think the bottom line here is this guy wants to have sex and I don't. So I need to take the actions to value and honor myself by setting boundaries and to defend them, this will make Elad feel good, it will give Elad the positive self esteem he so deserves.

Thank you! Elad

 

[Shyshark]

Hi again ...

Thanks for the answers BDD ...

They kinda kill the thought I was having.
If he knew about the abuse then you could safely ... gently ... ask him not to use those terms as they cause you distress.

I'd like to bring up another possible explanation.

He could be just one of those guys who uses adjectives like that with chosen people.
I've known a few women and men who do that without meaning any harm or having the intent of making a sexual advance.
They think of it as harmless flattery and a way to ingratiate themselves.

So I guess you have to make that determination.
Is it an invitation to friendly familiarity ... or a come on?

 

[Ceremony]

Thanks so much guys! I feel affirmed and validated for how I feel. I was told that it is okay to ask for help and yet it is still difficult, so asking for help and getting feedback is a solid victory for me and I am so glad I asked.


ShyShark, No he doesn't know, he is a casual friend I met at the beach. Bluedogone, the other couple are his friends. Free Radical, you raise an awesome question to ask myself, if this guy had more of an interest in Elad rather than a piece of produce as Eric mentioned. Physicsfriend, your suggestions really get to the heart of how I will respond with clarity. Eric, yes thanks for stating the words used in this persons text for what they are, objectifying by overlooking Elad as a valued person. And Ceremony, thanks for driving the realization that his comments are pushy.

Although I'm flattered and can buy into being objectified but ultimately doing so would lead me down a path that I would ultimately regret. Going into this with full awareness is half the battle, it allows me to see more clearly that although I believe this person is good, the language and come-on is causing much disturbance in my mind, like a washing machine. And here my fellow survivors see it for what it is and I honor you all for taking the time to help me to really understand what is going on here, something I had a hard time through the distorted lens in which I see. I think the bottom line here is this guy wants to have sex and I don't. So I need to take the actions to value and honor myself by setting boundaries and to defend them, this will make Elad feel good, it will give Elad the positive self esteem he so deserves.

Thank you! Elad

A powerful post Elad. Thank you.