Tennis, anyone?
Boy, it's easy for me to get into the old doom and gloom world view that must have been a real good coping mechanism for me during those long years of living with the secret of having been sexually abused by a trusted member of my faith community...
It must have done something for me....like kept me alive......because I certainly used it a lot.
I had some really wonderful experiences lately, like yesterday, where I really sensed that I was beyond merely surviving, or just getting by or settling for just not having anything horribly damaging happen to me....
Yesterday I was given the time to enjoy my life...I played tennis with my old doubles partners for the first time in more than a year....they've asked me every now and then if I was able to play and I've had to decline due to some medical stuff.....the medical stuff is behind me, they asked me again and I went and played.
It was great. They are a really cool bunch of guys and they were considerate, complimentary and yet managed to beat us!!!
I was able to do what I needed to do....you know the basics....lots of sunscreen, lots of water, limiting myself to just one set....and so while today I have a few little aches and pains.....I know that they will pass but the memories of good camaraderie, being in the outdoors, the breeze coming off the creek next to the court, the cooing of the brown and white doves as the sun went down.....all that is mine to keep.
After tennis, it was on to the pool for a relaxing stretch and soak and a catch-up visit with another good friend who's also in "rehab" (bum knee) and not able to play.
Boy, it gives me hope to see that I can recover from all the trauma life has had to offer me of late....it gives me hope that I can play tennis and swim again....there is life and laughter after trauma--even the trauma of finally facing the reality of sexual abuse.
I don't know, is it stretching it for me to say that playing tennis and the relaxing swim could inspire me to think that I can re cover some other parts of my life that seemed lost??
Maybe that could also mean I can have warm, healthy, intimate relations with trustworthy people who care and who stay in touch even when I'm not able to be what I have been in the past......and maybe at the same time just be a game of tennis and an ordinary day at the pool. The way life was imagined by me at one time, before the betrayal and the trauma.
Maybe it could be.
It is possible to recover.
To play tennis again.
To relax and enjoy the everyday wonder of birds and water and sunlight.
To find peace and friendship.
Oh no doubt, the doom and gloom will still be there. I've lived with it too long to get rid of it for good. It's like an old servant shuffling around in the background of an old oil painting--no longer relevant, no longer in charge, but always there as a reminder of what used to be.
Maybe even as necessary as the shadows cast by the doves as they couple off and gather together flying over head to their nests.
Shadows aren't bad--in their proper place and with the right perspective. They're not all encompassing any more.
Not the whole picture, just one fleeting moment adding definition and depth to the transient glory of the fading day.
Such small details in the overall scheme of things--a tennis court, some guys too old to be chasing balls around, a few birds, a creek and some trees----not much perhaps in the cosmic scheme of things....but what a lot of pleasure it brought to this old redneck.
What does this have to do with being sexually abused when I was 15?
Guess the few aches and pains of this morning (and more for sure tomorrow, why is the second day after exercise when the after effects really hit?) are an acceptable reminder too of how good life can be.
Who is it that says "Find your inner child, and play with him."?? Thanks for that and for all of you who help me find him on a regular basis.
Tennis, anyone?
Slightly stiff and sore and mostly grateful,
Your brother in recovery,
It must have done something for me....like kept me alive......because I certainly used it a lot.
I had some really wonderful experiences lately, like yesterday, where I really sensed that I was beyond merely surviving, or just getting by or settling for just not having anything horribly damaging happen to me....
Yesterday I was given the time to enjoy my life...I played tennis with my old doubles partners for the first time in more than a year....they've asked me every now and then if I was able to play and I've had to decline due to some medical stuff.....the medical stuff is behind me, they asked me again and I went and played.
It was great. They are a really cool bunch of guys and they were considerate, complimentary and yet managed to beat us!!!
I was able to do what I needed to do....you know the basics....lots of sunscreen, lots of water, limiting myself to just one set....and so while today I have a few little aches and pains.....I know that they will pass but the memories of good camaraderie, being in the outdoors, the breeze coming off the creek next to the court, the cooing of the brown and white doves as the sun went down.....all that is mine to keep.
After tennis, it was on to the pool for a relaxing stretch and soak and a catch-up visit with another good friend who's also in "rehab" (bum knee) and not able to play.
Boy, it gives me hope to see that I can recover from all the trauma life has had to offer me of late....it gives me hope that I can play tennis and swim again....there is life and laughter after trauma--even the trauma of finally facing the reality of sexual abuse.
I don't know, is it stretching it for me to say that playing tennis and the relaxing swim could inspire me to think that I can re cover some other parts of my life that seemed lost??
Maybe that could also mean I can have warm, healthy, intimate relations with trustworthy people who care and who stay in touch even when I'm not able to be what I have been in the past......and maybe at the same time just be a game of tennis and an ordinary day at the pool. The way life was imagined by me at one time, before the betrayal and the trauma.
Maybe it could be.
It is possible to recover.
To play tennis again.
To relax and enjoy the everyday wonder of birds and water and sunlight.
To find peace and friendship.
Oh no doubt, the doom and gloom will still be there. I've lived with it too long to get rid of it for good. It's like an old servant shuffling around in the background of an old oil painting--no longer relevant, no longer in charge, but always there as a reminder of what used to be.
Maybe even as necessary as the shadows cast by the doves as they couple off and gather together flying over head to their nests.
Shadows aren't bad--in their proper place and with the right perspective. They're not all encompassing any more.
Not the whole picture, just one fleeting moment adding definition and depth to the transient glory of the fading day.
Such small details in the overall scheme of things--a tennis court, some guys too old to be chasing balls around, a few birds, a creek and some trees----not much perhaps in the cosmic scheme of things....but what a lot of pleasure it brought to this old redneck.
What does this have to do with being sexually abused when I was 15?
Guess the few aches and pains of this morning (and more for sure tomorrow, why is the second day after exercise when the after effects really hit?) are an acceptable reminder too of how good life can be.
Who is it that says "Find your inner child, and play with him."?? Thanks for that and for all of you who help me find him on a regular basis.
Tennis, anyone?
Slightly stiff and sore and mostly grateful,
Your brother in recovery,
