Telling Parents

Telling Parents
Hauser

Hauser

Registrant
Hi again. I'm at a precipice. I have just completed some psychological evaluations to screen out learning disabilities at the behest of my parents. I think that they're still clueless. I'm about to reach a point in my life where I will decide to tell them (my parents) that they FAILED TO PROTECT ME as a child and let them know that I was REPEATEDLY MOLESTED as a 9 year old kid.

Look for my earlier post if you wish to know more, "Telling Parents" is the name of the thread.

I'm in limbo right now. I'm not sure how they're going to take this.

The psychologists that I've met were seemingly suprised with what I had to say. Not with what I've said but, rather, how much I had informed myself about this whole subject. Well, at 36, I've had plenty of time for research. It's not as if I was spending the time having a career or girlfriends or anything halfway normal.

You guys..........I'm really anxious right now.........................................................................I have to do something that I should have done when I was 9 yrs old. I should have told them what happened to me, but my parents, (who DO love me), never told me what to do in certain situations. Situations like when someone older starts touching you in your private places.

Anyway...you guys are the only companions I have on this matter in my life right now........the only ones. I would be greatful for any correspondence becuase doing the only thing I know that might get me back to "normal" is a lonely place.

It was very strange talking to phychologists and telling them what happened to me the very first day I met them. But, I want to get this over with, I want to move on, I want to better myself and be someone that God intended me to be.

As I am now............all I do is be alone and drink alcohol. This will have to stop soon or my health will go downhill.

I am very angry right now. I'm angry thinking about the 36 years of my life that's been spent on.............drugs and alcohol........that's pretty much it. I've been directionless. I have simply been trying to survive I guess.

I don't know if I can tell them myself. I may need the help of one of my psychs to tell them. This is so hard for me.

I just wish I could be like everyone else I see. People that go to college, graduate, earn degrees and find gainful employment. It seems a world away to me right now. But, that will change if I try..........right?
 
Hauser,

It's great that you were able to tell the psychologist about your abuse. Are you planning on seeing a therapist regularly? You could plan and practice with your therapist on how to best disclose to your parents. If you wish, your therpaist could even be there and help you disclose.

Is there anyone else that you feel safe enough disclosing too? When I decided to pursue the path of disclosing to my parents I felt it better to tell close friends and then my sister. This way I was able to have "practice" disclosures before telling my parents. Further, I planned to ask my strongest supporter to be there when I disclosed with my parents. It ended up being my sister and her husband ... it made a huge difference in my case.

From the moment I had the antsy feeling of telling my parents, it took me almost six months before actually telling them. I felt I had so much to prepare for. During that stressful time relying on old reliable coping mechanisms seemed to be comforting for the moment ... but it of course it makes things worst. I started to rely on binge drinking again ... what control I did have over the drinking I began to slowly loose. Its been helpful to begin new coping mechanisms ... I've been learning to play the guitar (just learning on-line) ... there have been times when I have felt sooo bad and wanted to rely on self destructive patterns, but I picked up the guitar and just played ... cried and played ... played until my fingers went numb ... played at times until I just feel asleep with my guitar ... perhaphs it didn't sound anything like music, but it sure did to me. I went for a few private lessons this past month ... he says I actually have a lot of the basics down :)

Hauser, its so important focus on more effective coping mechanisms. I'm sure there a lot of ideas here on the board for you. I'd suggest reading Mike Lew's second book which had a lot of ideas of more effective coping and supportive resources.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
This is hard, you bring out so many feelings that i have myself, (very confronting).

Courage friend, you have seen the darkness in humanity. You understand the depths people can reach, and the great thing is you survived. You have achieved what those people with "Normal" lives couldnot. So be proud of yourself, this is all the condition of life.

Use what you have to help those that are travelling the path you did. All I can do is send a hug your way. You are not alone.
 
Thanks for the warning about drinking. I've found myself doing that alot and now I think I better stop again.

As I had predicted, the Psychologist(s) are going to recommend someone in this line of work. I'm also interested to see what the test results are going to say. (I took a battery of learning tests to see if I had some kind of learning disability or autism etc.)

My Father paid cash for these services, and he will like to see the results, I could be here that the Psych will recommend a Therepist for me and at the same time, disclose. I still don't know, it will be my decision as to what my parents may read about the results. I'm very anxious right now.

I will focus on different coping techniques now. This drinking is no good. I'm glad you mentioned that you started losing control because I'm not immune (hardly anyone is) to the allure of heavy drinking. At least I CAN stop at will without any side effects besides boredome.

They will have the results of my tests and their recommendations in 2 to 3 weeks. In the meantime, I must ponder what to do. To tell or not to tell. I think I will ask the psych to be there to tell them so that I can't stop myself.......I'm committed to do it......it needs to be done........I'm convinced of it.

I just wish that this was ...............easier.
 
Hauser,

It seems that if you are struggling and your parents are paying for these tests, they probably care about you very much. As a parent, if I had to do what they are doing, I think I would feel like I had done what I know how and more help is needed. But, doing this is trying to help. I could be wrong, but it seems like telling them might help them understand and help them help you. Please note that I have not disclosed to my parents, as they are dysfunctional still and in no position to help me as they need more help than I do. But, these are my thoughts as a parent and a survivor too.

Either way, good luck.

John
 
Hauser--In my response in your previous thread, I mentioned that not only was I abused, but that I failed as a parent to protect my stepson from his abusive baseball coach. My wife told me in Doe's session with his psychologist yesterday, the dr asked him if he holds us(his parents) responsible for what happened. She said Doe seemed to think about it for a moment before he answered, saying "not really". The ironic thing is that the day he went to dinner with the bastard, my wife had told Doe he was not going with the man, as she had an odd feeling about him. But Doe kept begging her to go, kept pestering her, and at last she relented. That night, after dinner, the coach molested him.

When the therapist asked Doe if he was scarred of the coach before it all happened, if the man intimidated him in any way, Doe said no. he did not catch any bad vibes from him.

"And when it happened?" the therapist asked Doe.

"I never thought anything like that could happen", Doe replied.

That answer has bothered my wife from last night, and the one thing we all as parents must come to terms with is how best to arm your child against these assholes. There is only so much you can say before you steal the innocence that you are trying so hard to protect.

Your parents, if they love you half as much as I do Doe, will feel guilt. They will hate themselves. They will not love you any less, and they will not shun you. They will beat the crap out of themselves--that is what I do. But you should keep in mind that the awareness of molesters today is greater than it was when you and I were growing up(I, too, am 36). It is now more widely known about and discussed. There is a generation between you. I have seen the worst of a parent's reaction(my own parents), and I have seen what I hope is the best(myself).

Good luck, and I hope that your parents can help you heal by not judging themselves too harshly. Yes, parents can be partly responsible for the abuse their children have to endure. But you may also find that one of your parents may have endured abuse themselves.
 
Hauser,

Just some thoughts that might be of use to you on disclosing to your parents (I disclosed to mine just last week).

Sexual abuse of boys was not recognized as a problem even among experts until the 1990s, so long after both you and I were abused. I was told to watch out for strangers - the "stranger danger" story: perv in a trench coat offering candy if you get into his car - but like most other boys I was abused by a man I knew and trusted. We really were all alone bro, but our parents didn't know either. Pedophiles were phantoms back then; no one saw them coming and there was no recognized danger that our parents could have told us about.

You have a lot of anger running, I can see that, and of course you have every right to that anger. The question is whether your parents should be the target. My take on this is that 100% of the blame goes to the pedophile.

Before you disclose to your folks, read Ken Singer's piece here on disclosure and confrontation. It's under "Survivors", then click on "Adult survivors" and the article is in the list that will appear. He has a lot of good advice.

You ought to be thinking ahead of time about what you want to achieve from disclosure. What do you need? How can they help? Try to talk to them about your pain and feelings, but without blaming them if you can; they will already feel an enormous burden of guilt. I guess the question is do you want a confrontation or their help and support?

Much love,
Larry
 
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