Telling Parents

Telling Parents
Hauser

Hauser

Registrant
Hi everyone. Umm........I'm about to tell my parents that I was repeatedly molested at the age of 9, I'm 36 now.

I'm telling them now because it's an issue which must be dealt with if I'm ever going to get my life on track. My life has been one failure after another, failed college, can't find gainful employment, extremely rare intimacy, failed and rare relationships, etc.

I was very angry as a young man. Only the love of my parents kept me from becoming a violent person. They do love me, enough to pay for an evaluation for neurological conditions, learning disability, etc. They wish to help me figure out why I can't furthur myself in the vocations that I've entered. I have resolved that when I show up there, that will be the first time that I will tell a proffessional psychologist that I have been struggling internally with issues that I have not tried to address before.

Do you know why this is going to suck for my parents? Because they will have to now bear the burden of knowing that they failed as parents to protect me from someone like this.

They never told me what to do if someone touched me in my private places, they never told me that I could always talk to them about anything, they let me hang out with a practical stranger, (My older brothers friend), when I was a mere 9 year old! How many of you here would let your 9 yr old son hang out alone with a grown man that you barely know? I'm angry at my parents for failing so miserabely to protect me when I needed them.

They never once told me that my body was MINE! They didn't tell me what to do in a situation like I was in.

And now............here are the consequenses. 36 years of nothing accomplished except lot's of drugs and alcohol taken, and marginal employment, with no success in sight.

Perhaps my anger is misguided. What do you guys think?

I'm assuming that the psych that I'm about to see will suggest someone who specializes in this field.

I hope I'm making the right decision, it will be the first one in a long time. Wish me luck?
 
Hi Hauser,

Welcome to the board. I am sad because of what happened that brought you here. I hope you find it healing in your path to recovery to read and post here.

Many of the sentiments you express ring loudly with me. I recently disclosed to my parents about the abuse. Its been a long year. And yes anger towards my parents was a big issue. I didn't tell them about the anger until I think the 3rd time I met with them. The shock of having to hear the hidden truth was enough to process in one or two sittings.

You may want to hold off telling your parents until you've had a few sessions with a therpaist. They can help you form a plan and process issues along the way. This website has a section about disclosure you probably want to take a look at as well as the book chapter on disclosing in Victims No Longer by Mike Lew. I found it a huge help to tell my sister and brother n law first and ask them to help me tell my parents. They were able to offer advice in my approach and provide comfort for my parents and me since I was in emotional overdrive.

I can now see how each person I have told has reacted differently and how they process things over time differs. It was very helpful to focus on telling them and that in telling them I would reach a healthier place. Letting this be the focus rather than the range of reactions I tried to anticipate, especially the negative one's, was helpful.

Deciding to tell your parents is a huge step and I applaud you for wanting to take that step. You'll find a host of wisdom in everyone here on the board to help you along ...

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Hauser,

There is so much to say to you on this subject bro. It involves so many complex issues, and here I will only pick out a few.

The first is that I think it is natural for a man to feel anger at his parents' failure to protect him, even if they were not at fault. As boys we learned that parents are supposed to guard and shelter their kids and keep them safe...then we are abused and wonder how did that happen. Answer: Our parents failed us. I now can recognize that I bore a lot of anger towards my parents for a long time; I even felt like they had abandoned me to abuse, even though they never knew a thing about it.

Another thing to bear in mind is that the sexual abuse of boys was not a problem that was recognized until the 1990s, long after you and I were abused. Back then no one knew (or admitted) it was happening, and as a result parents did not prepare us for some guy approaching us with "bad touching". They didn't know themselves. It's important not to judge what we or others did in the past in terms of what we know now. In 2005, of course, allowing a 9 yo boy to go with a strange man would be outrageous. Back in 1979-80, however, I am not sure. The fact that he was your brother's friend may have been sufficiently reassuring.

I don't know if this applies to you, but when I was being abused I learned very quickly to hide all the signs and pretend I was living a normal life. I devoted huge efforts to that, and the most important thing in my life was that no one should know. Kids are great at this, and my sister tells me that she had no idea at all what was going on. Looking back now, of course, she can piece it together and it all makes perfect sense, but that's now! Back then she had no idea. I am sure my parents will say they never had any clue either. So again, my point would be that back then people were not prepared or alerted to recognize what was happening all around them.

I am myself about to tell my own parents what happened, and if you wish we can discuss this in PM. But what I can say here is that I have a good support base of friends and other family members, and I have arranged for a therapist to be around to address my parents' questions from a professional perspective. I have learned not to blame them, and I do not want to cause them any devastation that can be avoided.

Born to Resist is 100% right to suggest working through a therapist. I would urge you not to rush into this. Therapy isn't about us being losers and unable to cope, it is about dealing with unbelievably complicated problems and needing a guide to get us through the minefields with as little trauma and pain as possible.

Hauser, unfortunately nothing can bring past lost opportunities of the past or undo what you suffered. But as Mike Church, one of the mods here, likes to put it: "The future is where we are going to spend the rest of our lives". We need to remember that and look forward. That doesn't mean we forget the past; rather, we need to find ways to live fulfilling and joyful lives in which the past is no longer able to wreck things for us and deny us the opportunities we all need and so richly deserve.

I'm glad you are with us. Trust in people here and you will find so much understanding and support.

Much love,
Larry
 
Ok. I'll wait for a bit. You're probably right about my parents being naive (did I spell naive right?).

My Father was born in 1932. When he was 16 and when his older brother was 17, they, at different times, went hitchhiking out to CA, (they lived in MI at the time).

Back then, there was absolutely nothing to concern a 16 yr old to go out on his own and discover America and being picked up on the highway by complete strangers. Nowadays, parents could be arrested for being irresponsible parents if they let him or her do that.

From what I have noticed, abuse surviors tend to fall into one camp of overachievement and success, and others, like me, struggle their whole lives just trying to finish school and concentrating and focusing on ...........anything. I have not been able to be successful in anyting that I've applied myself to and it's getting frustrating. Have any of you guys fallen into this pattern?

I'm tired of failing at everything. I want to change this.
 
Hauser

I talked to my parrents, they told me they were sorry, and they ment it. That is a long story that I'm not ready to tell right now but bottom line is, things started looking up. They hug me now, never did before.

Tell them of your anger yell and scream if you have to, but don't forget to listen even if you have to leave and come back later.

I pray that all will go well. keep us posted. We are here for you!

Never give up!

Darrel
 
I finally told my parents at 45 years old, 35 years after it happened. I did not go to a therapist to find out how to tell them. I found out that they suspected I had been abused by some of my actions as a kid but they did NOTHING!!. I found out they are both Cowards!!! I was hospitalized in a psych ward for 3 weeks with a pregnant wife and a 3 year old child at home and they still said NOTHING!!! I finally put the entire story of my life together. WOW!! Jolly Fisherman, getting better.
 
Hauser,

So many good things have been said to you that you hardly need me to repeat them here. What I will say is this:

It took an incredible amount of courage to take the steps you've taken so far. That is not the sign of a loser, my friend. It is the sign of someone who is taking control back from the perp, and is on his way to being a winner.

I too, was/am an underachiever. When I was young I was so busy just trying to live day to day coping with the pain of the abuse and it's aftermath that it was impossible to even think about the future. I couldn't even get through the day without hating myself for being so stupid, ignorant, ugly, etc. "Future? Education? Career? I'm not good enough for that." I did manage to land a decent job that has been rewarding and fulfulling to a large degree, but it is a far cry from where I could/should have been. I'm not making excuses here, just recognizing that the sh** happened to me and I was, for whatever reason, unable to deal with it and focus on an education/career at the same time.

You are not alone, Hauser. And your struggle is not unique. All of us here have been there and have felt the affects of CSA in our lives in one form or another. We care about you.

Thanks for posting.

Courage my friend,

John
 
Telling was very hard for me. I agree you can be angry and I would expect your parents to be sorry for what happened. Think about why you want to tell them now. I would recommend that it be under positive purposes. There will obviously be negative parts to the conversation, but if the outcome has a forward progression, you will be better off.

My goal was to just let my parents know my real childhood and to maybe get some kind of support. I have more to say to them yet. It's soo much to talk about and they are coming in late in the game.
 
Hauser--I know of only one successful survivor of child sexual abuse--Drew Carey. I'm sure there are others, but I am not aware of them. I, too, find myself lacking in the "success" department, if you define "success" in terms of money and sports cars and mansions and parties with the Hef. I like to think that everything happens for a reason and that everything works out in the end(how hopelessly sunny of me!(the last bit was loaded with sarcasm)). I used to think that I had to go thru the abuse so that I knew how best to protect my children.

Then, I found out my stepson was abused by his baseball coach. Hauser, I am one of those failure parents! Not only was I molested, but it happened to one of my children, too. I see it from both perspectives, and at times I feel as if it is killing me. I have been wrestling with a lot of depression lately, but here is what everyone here keeps telling me: I did not fail him. In this instance, the parent did not fail. I hear it a lot, and let me tell you, from the perspective of a parent that failed, it is a load of shit. I did fail him, and it kills me. Personally, I never blamed my parents for what happened to me. It was a babysitter that got to me. A baseball coach got my stepson. All of these are people you are supposed to trust. People that would never touch a child.

Think about this, though; you know your parents did not abuse you. They did not tell your abuser it was okay to do that to you. Although I have never been angry with my parents for what happened to me, I was angry at their reaction, and my mother's reaction was, and I quote, "Well, I guess I really failed you, didn't I?". A few moments later she said "Sorry I screwed up your childhood" and hung up the phone on me. The only reason I tell you this is that the first thing your parents will feel is guilt, and they will feel a shitload of it. I am not sure what they feel next, as I do not discuss it with mine. After being asked how something that happened so long ago could still affect me, I gave up on them. I communicate with my wife about it. And, now, unfortuneatly, I have to communicate with my stepson(Doe) about it. I failed him. Now I must help him thru, so he does not turn out like I did: at first I doubted my sexuality, then I thought I was a pervert because I found so much solace in Penthouse and adult films. I felt like I was a loser.

But I am still alive. So many victims of abuse are just that: victims. Some commit suicide, some die violently. But so many others rise above that state. No matter how much of a loser you think you are, at least you are still alive. You are strong enough to deal with it all on some level, to know that you are not a victim only, but, and most importantly, a survivor.

Remember that: YOU ARE A SURVIVOR.

Success comes in so many other forms. Succeed with your children. And if you ever find yourself in the position your parents will soon find themselves, remember also that anyone can be the parent of a survivor of abuse. I am going thru it now, and let me tell you: I feel a lot more for Doe than I do myself, because I failed him. No one failed me besides the person my parents trusted.
 
Hauser
Do you know why this is going to suck for my parents? Because they will have to now bear the burden of knowing that they failed as parents to protect me from someone like this.
Click to expand...
NEVER underestimate how clever abusers are. ( were )
He tricked your parents as much as he tricked you, and society in general.

Your parents might well feel that they 'failed as parents' - but the truth is they did what they could, they told you to tell them if someone touched you, so they DID consider your safety.
And don't blame yourself for not telling either, abusers have a full arsenal of tricks and lies, unfortunately they work.

Take care, I hope you get the love and support you seek.

Dave
 
Dave, I may be remiss in what I typed earlier, but as I recall saying, my parents never told me about what to do if someone touched me in an inappropriate way, or asked me any "What if" questions. Like, "What would you do if your babysitter asked you to take a bath with him"? etc. I had no ammunition to defend myself AT ALL.

I don't have any kids, probably never will, but I would damned sure to give them knowlege of what to do in certain situations. Maybe my experience would make me a better parent in that respect, but that's about all because I can barely afford to feed and shelter ME.

Thank you everyone for your input.

In 11 days, I'm going to see a psychologist, paid for by my parents, to help my find out what's holding me back and succeeding in work, school, relationships, etc. They asked me to do this because they have recently helped me financially while I was recovering from an injury and not able to work for some weeks. I guess that this is where it's going to start. I guess that I should have done this a long time ago.

I just never thought it would do any good since the damadge had already been done. I just plain didn't want to talk about it. But,...........................................................what else can I do? I failed in every other endevor to improve myself and live up to my potential.

I'm the classic underachiever. Everyone that I know and work with tell me that I would be a great teacher or ..........anything if I would simply apply myself! Well I tried...............and every time.............a dead end. I want to turn this around and I think that I must tell my parents that I have always been angry,.................at them. I hate to say it but it's true. They're bright, college educated people, but I needed them to look out for me and tell me what to do when I might find myself in particular situations. Situations like when somebody else starts touching me "down here" and asking me to do things that I found hard, as a child, to say "No, don't do that".

If only they told me, I wouldn't be where I'm at today, I'm convinced of it. If this is such a common thing, as my research has suggested, then why didn't they say anything?

Question for everyone reading this: Did your parents tell you what to do if somebody started touching you "down here" and ask "what if" questions? Like, "What if your babysitter asked you to take a bath with him"? etc.

These are IMPORTANT QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR CHILDREN. It's their ONLY defense.
 
In answer to your question, Hauser, I do not recall my parents ever telling me not to let anybody touch me inappropriately. I do remember being told never to be "nasty", but was never told what "nasty" meant.

Courage,

John
 
Hauser
sorry for that, I misread you post. But I would say that even if they never said it, they never wanted it to happen to any of their children.

Underachieving, I've had a lifetime of it.
I only see it now, and I'm doing what I can to make up for it. It's never too late ( I'm 52 now ) to go back to college night school and do what you missed out on. Some of those wasted years CAN be reclaimed.

Dave
 
very interesting thread, Hauser. Thank you for sharing your story so far and please keep us posted on how this situation unfolds with your parents. I guess that I was kind of an "overachiever" in many ways, but I never valued those successes. I always thought that it couldn't REALLY be any good, could it, if it came from MY efforts (damaged, broken, sinful, weak, nasty little ole me)--- that kind of shame based, rotten self image, stinkin' thinkin' has been rolling around inside my head for over 50 years. Guess it's finally time for me to wake up and clean out some of that old mental garbage. Best wishes,
 
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