Telling My Story

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Telling My Story

Mondell

Registrant
Hello Everyone! I have been visiting the male survivor website for a few years. It has started the healing process for me over time. I thought I was good with dealing with the abuse until last year. Last year my oldest son turned 7 years old. I looked at him one day and I like a flood all the memories of being sexually abuse hit me. I went into a dark space. My first encounter with being sexually abuse occurred with my friends older brother. It must have happen around the age of 6. The abuse didn't go very far accept for being kissed on the neck is all I can recall. The traumatizing abuse occurred starting at the age of 7 with my first cousin. He was a few years older than me. I looked up to him and I always wanted to play the drums like him. I lived with my maternal grandparents while my mom was in college. I would visit my paternal grandmother on some weekends or during the summer since she lived in a town 7 miles away. When I visited my paternal grandmother I would go visit my cousin who lived in a house in front of my paternal grandmother. While at my cousin house we would go upstairs to play on his drum set. One particular day while I was "trying" to play the drums he came behind me with an erect penis and pressed himself against me. I didn't know what to think or do. I was afraid to say anything because I thought we would get in trouble and get a spanking. He put his hands on my shoulder and begin move his erect penis on my back. I tried to push him away but he was much stronger than me. He threw me to the floor and laid on top of me with his erect penis. He begin movements as if he was having intercourse. We both had our clothes on so there was no body to body contact. He preceded to take his penis out of his pants and grabbed my hand to touch his penis. I assume his parents heard some noise and yelled what are you all doing up there. I didn't know what to say or do after that. I knew what was going on was wrong but I figured I couldn't say anything because I would get in trouble. There were others occasions with him abusing me. It's hard to admit but at some point I started to enjoy having him rub his penis against me. I don't now why I enjoyed but it became this strange thing I started to desire. I don't know actually when the abuse stopped but I moved to live with my mom at the age of 9. I would come back to visit my paternal grandmother in the summer but my cousin's family moved away so I didn't visit their home as often. When I would visit their home I would not go to my cousin's room. As I got older I really forgot about the abuse but when I hit puberty I just felt very off. I became this very quiet and shy teenager. I didn't feel comfortable around other boys and it was uncomfortable being in a locker rooms with boys. I had this fear that they would see something in me and would want to sexually assault me. To add to the confusion I felt this attraction to certain boys that were muscular. I was a really skinny kid and teenager. I would find myself comparing my body size to other boys and wishing I was muscular. I also find myself looking at other boys crouch to see how I compared to them. This confusion went on for years and there were many thoughts of suicide because I didn't want to be a gay or for people to think I am gay. High School was a tough time for me. I had a few girlfriends but didn't get sexually active until college. I did have a major set back my senior year in high school. During the beginning of my senior year I became a religious zealot. I think it became my drug of choice to numb the pain I was dealing with. While attending church an older gentleman befriended me. I think I was venerable because I was looking for a male role model. Well he must have sense something because he was a sexual predator. We hung out a lot and he actually met my mom and stepdad at the time. My mom questioned him why was he hanging with me. She warned me but of course being a rebellious teenager I didn't listen. I recall one night being on the phone talking to him and he said God showed him I was molested as a kid. I was speechless when he said that because I hadn't told anyone what happened to me, not even my mother. I thought this was a sign from God and he sent this man to help me. We talked a little about what happened to me. Sometime later he found his own place. One night he invited me over. I sort of had this feeling what he wanted to do something. Somehow I convinced myself that I needed to do this to get healing. Crazy how the mind works. I wrote a note to mom and stepdad saying were I was going and that I needed to do this. I went to his house that night, not sure what was going to happen. We talked for while and he talked about how homosexuality was wrong and read bible scriptures that state homosexuality is wrong. I just listen and said I know. I eventually got up and went to the bathroom to take a shower. While getting undressed he open the door, I gave him a crazy looked and say what are you doing. He just said, oh you left the door unlocked. I don't remember if I locked the door after that. After my shower I think we talked for little then I fell asleep. I was awaken by him getting in the bed with an erect penis. I wanted to say stop what are you doing but I froze and I became this little kid again like with my cousin. I remember how it felt with my cousin having his penis on me. At this age the only sexual thing I was doing was masturbation. I didn't stop him from continuing to press his penis against my body. He started kissing me but I stopped due to hixs smoke breath. He then performed oral sex on me. That was my first experience with oral sex. I don't recall if he asked me to perform oral sex on him but I didn't. He then asked me to turn on my stomach because he want to do anal sex. I couldn't allow him to put his penis in my ass. He tried to force but I yelled stop and pushed him away. He then laid on the bed. He asked me to get on top of him and rub my penis on his chest
I did begin rubbing my penis and then begin hump him like I was having sex. I did that until I ejaculated on his chest. After that happen I got this nauseated sensation in my stomach and was like what the hell did I just do. After that I got out the bed and just sat on the floor crying. He tried to touch me but I said don't. I slept on a mat the rest of the night. I went home the next morning. My mom came to my room to talked to me. This had to be the lowest moment in my life. I told her about being sexually abused by my cousin. She said sorry that happened to you. Her next comment was really hurtful. She said I don't want a son that is gay and that she will not accept a son that is gay. I was so devastated hearing this from my mom. She didn't hug me or say son I will help you through this. The only thing she was concerned about was me being gay. I was depressed for a while after that incident. I cut ties with the man and only saw him once at the church I attended. I slowly recovered from ehat happened and begin attending college. I had several girlfriends in college and became sexually active. Once I graduated from college, I begin to research information about the effects of sexual abuse on men. I found a few books but not a lot of information. I never got professional counseling because I figured my faith in God will help me through it all. It wasn't until last year when I went to a dark space after my son 7th birthday that I went to a professional counselor. I am still in the healing process but I am in a much better place.
 
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