Telling My Story
jalcnlmcl2003
Registrant
Well, I think I'm at a point where I need to put all of this out there and look at it for what it is. A fucked up mess that I've been trying to sort out ALONE for 24 years.
It dawned on me a couple weeks ago that two thirds of my life have been spent compensating and justifying the shit that happened to me. I thought I had put it in it's place, and it "didn't effect me that much". Surprise, I just didn't want to see how bad it has been.
So here's what happened, as best I can remember. The worst part is, I remember every single detail of the physical SA, the other stuff leading up to and the threats are a little fuzzy. I think that is because of the "little room" I would escape to inside my head.
Anyway, here goes.
I am the middle of three kids, with an older brother and a younger sister. My brother was athletic, but was physically small for his age. He was talented, but was limited by his size. My sister was a dancer/majorette from the age of 4 or 5. (Ironically that started about the same time as the S/A).
I was the "artistic" kid. Musical, creative, etc. Tie to that the fact that I was one of the larger kids in school (not fat, just what my "bitch" (mother) called "husky"...I always hated that word! Husky that is...I rather like Bitch!), and you can see the beginning of the problem. Everyone wanted to push me into sports...I wasn't interested (or any good at it).
Well, as things got rolling, my sister and mother were getting deeper into the pageants, recitals, contests, etc. And my brother and father were always running off to fish or go to some sports events. So you can see there was a problem for me. Where did I go? I usually ended up with my mother for lack of a better place. My father didn't have any use for me.
After a few years, my mother decided I needed more of a male influence. My father was too busy with my brother's activities, so they needed an alternative (or dumping ground.)
They settled on having me spend some time with a much older cousin. That started when I was 10, just about Thanksgiving time. He was a Senior in highschool at that time. He was active in sports, and all the crap that goes with it, and "agreed" to spend some time with me.
My mother told me the plan on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. The way she presented it was "we think you need to learn how to be a boy, so you're going to be spending time with your cousin". In reality, that was a ploy to get me out of the way so they could spend time with the other kids.
Well, I actually enjoyed spending time with Tom (not his real name, duh). It actually wasn't that bad at first. There were hints at sexuality all along, it just didn't sink in until late January 1980.
On January 26, 1980, the SA started. It started with a touch in the pool. Followed by more touching and fondling. All along he was telling me..."it's okay, this is how boys tell each other they're friends" "you are my friend, right?".
Of course, by that time, he was the only friend I had ever had. So I went along with it even though it was creepy...I trusted him.
He coerced me into performing orally. I remember exactly what his penis looked, tasted and smelled like. And how it made me feel inadequate because I was so small in that area. He told me what he was doing would make it grow bigger and fatter, and all the girls would appreciate what he did for me.
As the months went on, it got more and more involved. He stopped taking me to do fun stuff. Instead, he just did stuff to me. I remember how much it hurt when he did "it" for the first time.
At some point, his friendliness turned into anger and outright manipulation. The threats started almost as soon as the sex started. "If you tell anyone, who are they gonna believe. They'll think you like it and I'm gonna tell them all you do. You'll be the little faggot bitch and everyone will hate you. Why do you think you're here anyway. your parents already think you're a faggot. I'm just teaching you what to do."
Even while he was telling me that stuff, he was telling me he really did love me, that he was the only person that understood what was wrong, and he would take care of me. I believed him.
In March, I was sent to spend the weekend with "tom" while my family went out of town. That just happend to be the weekend before my 11th birthday. The first night, "Tom" invited his friend "butch" over to spend the night with us. They "celebrated" my upcoming birthday by fucking me and singing happy birthday slutboy. I wasn't allowed to put on any clothes all weekend.
One day at school, the police came in to talk about "unwanted touching". It dawned on me that what was happening really wasn't okay, and I needed to tell someone.
I went home that afternoon in tears, and told my mother what "tom" had been doing. I'll never forget the look on her face. She looked like she hated me. Then she said "you lie like this all the time to get attention. If you want my attention, why don't you act more like your sister and do something I can be proud of."
That was the only time I ever told anyone, until about two years ago. I've spend the last 24 years finding ways to ease the pain and questioning my sexuality.
There's much more to this story, but I'm sitting here like a lump now and can't keep typing. This story actually gets worse, because the S/A ended in June 1980, and then the emotional abuse started and continues to this day.
Thanks to everyone here for being the support I've never had. I'm glad I found this place. It helps to know I'm not the only fucked up little boy living in an adult body.
It dawned on me a couple weeks ago that two thirds of my life have been spent compensating and justifying the shit that happened to me. I thought I had put it in it's place, and it "didn't effect me that much". Surprise, I just didn't want to see how bad it has been.
So here's what happened, as best I can remember. The worst part is, I remember every single detail of the physical SA, the other stuff leading up to and the threats are a little fuzzy. I think that is because of the "little room" I would escape to inside my head.
Anyway, here goes.
I am the middle of three kids, with an older brother and a younger sister. My brother was athletic, but was physically small for his age. He was talented, but was limited by his size. My sister was a dancer/majorette from the age of 4 or 5. (Ironically that started about the same time as the S/A).
I was the "artistic" kid. Musical, creative, etc. Tie to that the fact that I was one of the larger kids in school (not fat, just what my "bitch" (mother) called "husky"...I always hated that word! Husky that is...I rather like Bitch!), and you can see the beginning of the problem. Everyone wanted to push me into sports...I wasn't interested (or any good at it).
Well, as things got rolling, my sister and mother were getting deeper into the pageants, recitals, contests, etc. And my brother and father were always running off to fish or go to some sports events. So you can see there was a problem for me. Where did I go? I usually ended up with my mother for lack of a better place. My father didn't have any use for me.
After a few years, my mother decided I needed more of a male influence. My father was too busy with my brother's activities, so they needed an alternative (or dumping ground.)
They settled on having me spend some time with a much older cousin. That started when I was 10, just about Thanksgiving time. He was a Senior in highschool at that time. He was active in sports, and all the crap that goes with it, and "agreed" to spend some time with me.
My mother told me the plan on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. The way she presented it was "we think you need to learn how to be a boy, so you're going to be spending time with your cousin". In reality, that was a ploy to get me out of the way so they could spend time with the other kids.
Well, I actually enjoyed spending time with Tom (not his real name, duh). It actually wasn't that bad at first. There were hints at sexuality all along, it just didn't sink in until late January 1980.
On January 26, 1980, the SA started. It started with a touch in the pool. Followed by more touching and fondling. All along he was telling me..."it's okay, this is how boys tell each other they're friends" "you are my friend, right?".
Of course, by that time, he was the only friend I had ever had. So I went along with it even though it was creepy...I trusted him.
He coerced me into performing orally. I remember exactly what his penis looked, tasted and smelled like. And how it made me feel inadequate because I was so small in that area. He told me what he was doing would make it grow bigger and fatter, and all the girls would appreciate what he did for me.
As the months went on, it got more and more involved. He stopped taking me to do fun stuff. Instead, he just did stuff to me. I remember how much it hurt when he did "it" for the first time.
At some point, his friendliness turned into anger and outright manipulation. The threats started almost as soon as the sex started. "If you tell anyone, who are they gonna believe. They'll think you like it and I'm gonna tell them all you do. You'll be the little faggot bitch and everyone will hate you. Why do you think you're here anyway. your parents already think you're a faggot. I'm just teaching you what to do."
Even while he was telling me that stuff, he was telling me he really did love me, that he was the only person that understood what was wrong, and he would take care of me. I believed him.
In March, I was sent to spend the weekend with "tom" while my family went out of town. That just happend to be the weekend before my 11th birthday. The first night, "Tom" invited his friend "butch" over to spend the night with us. They "celebrated" my upcoming birthday by fucking me and singing happy birthday slutboy. I wasn't allowed to put on any clothes all weekend.
One day at school, the police came in to talk about "unwanted touching". It dawned on me that what was happening really wasn't okay, and I needed to tell someone.
I went home that afternoon in tears, and told my mother what "tom" had been doing. I'll never forget the look on her face. She looked like she hated me. Then she said "you lie like this all the time to get attention. If you want my attention, why don't you act more like your sister and do something I can be proud of."
That was the only time I ever told anyone, until about two years ago. I've spend the last 24 years finding ways to ease the pain and questioning my sexuality.
There's much more to this story, but I'm sitting here like a lump now and can't keep typing. This story actually gets worse, because the S/A ended in June 1980, and then the emotional abuse started and continues to this day.
Thanks to everyone here for being the support I've never had. I'm glad I found this place. It helps to know I'm not the only fucked up little boy living in an adult body.
