Telling my family

[TeeJayUU]

Possible triggers....
Deep breaths! I am drained and exhausted. Most of my family has know I was sexually molested by more than one person. They did not know it was for years by several people from the time I was age 3 to being in my 20s. Just told my dad and step mother a few weeks ago and just sat on the deck and told my adult daughter tonight, without all the details, about being raped by the age of 8 or 9, the physical and mental abuse of another, the ongoing gun threat from one, six adults at various times, the photos taken of me/us, ALL were friends of the family including; a cop, scout master, camp counselor, aid to the governor, then there were the suicidal plans, my current PTSD and depression. I am glad we talked, but wow, the energy and tears that took. I NEED their help, support and understanding. Thinking good thoughts does not help. Just moving on ain't going to happen. Positive thoughts do not put me in a positive mood. This is what happened to me and I MUST DEAL WITH IT, not pretend it never happened!

 

[Chris4TheMill]

Very true! We cannot just put our abuse "aside" and "try to move on." As you figured out, it doesn't work.
The abuse permeates our very being until we work to untangle it's twisted hold on us.

I am so sorry all this happened to you. I hope that your family was supportive. It is hard or near impossible for someone else to really understand what they have not been through themselves, but if they at least try to listen and be empathetic and patient, that can go a long way.

I hope you will find some peace and comfort soon as you go along. It was brave to tell others, that was a great healing step and it will surely bring some relief even though it was exhausting and perhaps uncomfortable.

 

[Ceremony]

It's scary to tell some family. I've found telling my eldest, my daughter who's in her 30's, seems insurmountable. Which is why I'm thinking kudos to you, that through tears and pain, you could and she would, get together and talk.

I've found that my daughter must think something less than of me, as I am losing her to some degree. Though she is somewhat putting up a front, she's very clear I'm not what I might have thought I was. I've noticed how all the neglect I talk about, it's what I did to a large degree for the years I worked and smoked pot. I hope your situation is clearer and closer than what I wonder?

Though I'm lucky I have her, I'm really glad she's my daughter, and don't want anything I say to seem to diminish the love I have for her. I grieve my mistakes and hope the near past and future might permit healing? I hope your talk will promote and permit healing and bonding with your daughter. I think it's so important to know they're aware of the problem. Though what I've hoped for with expectations is all but put away and left to hope.

 

[i-m-Bri]

TeeJayUU,

It tool energy and tears, but also an incredible amount of strength and courage. You're right, this isn't going to be dealt with "happy thoughts". It will take powerful steps, just as you are doing.
Congratulations!

 

[Can_I_Do_This]

TeeJayUU,

I just talked to my "parents" today (had some business to discuss) and when I brought up the abuse they flat-out denied it.

So I told them I'm flat-out denying them. They no longer have a son.

Me? I have my power, my self-love, my self-respect and my courage in absolute abundance.

I'm sorry all of us can't just walk away from our abusers the way I am able (no kids with ex, no obligations to my parents or sisters).

I like to go to the local bars here, and I've started asking some of the older dudes who are hard drinkers about their childhood, starting with me saying something like, "Yeah, I got drunk for decades to bury the shame of my "Dad" beating me and "Mom" molesting me.

So far 4 men have told me they, too, were abused as boys. I always hug them very tightly and tell them they are SO WORTH IT and to try not to carry the shame that was never theirs to begin with. I tell them my self-love exercises and encourage them to do the same, and to call me if they need to talk.

I finish with, "Brother, we are survivors. No one knows the hell we've been thru except us. We're all we've got so let's support one another. Now, with the heavy shit out of the way, can I buy you a beer?" And one more hug. I tell them, "This isn't a sexual hug, this is me showing you that you are worth something special and I care about you, bro."

For all I know I'll be establishing a group up here just for male survivors. Thinking about it.

Love you guys, be kind to yourselves and enjoy the holiday if you're able.

 

[TheHermit]

I posted a while back that I told my mom after like 32 years. Actually, I blurted it out in the midst of an argument.

Before that, I had only told a few (3) female friends and one girlfriend. And before that, I just repressed it my whole life.

After blurting it out to my mom it made me feel really vulnerable. And I began to fear that I would forever been seen as weak, like I could no longer maintain my facade of being a strong "man." But I guess it's all forgotten and back to "normal" now.

I have said I never told her as a child because I was more concerned about her feelings, I guess you could say. Like I felt it would destroy her. Then, as I got older I never told anyone because I didn't want them to feel sorry for me. After a while, though, it gets tiring when no one understands why you're so "damaged" - why you can't seem to function like a "normal" person. Maybe it would be better if they actually knew the reason instead of just blaming me all the time - like I choose/chose to be so dysfunctional. Not that any of the blame actually ceased when they did find out the real reason(s) why.