Telling Mom

Telling Mom
M

Mike109182

New Registrant
I come from a hard background of men having to be men. Not crying and standing up like men should. (All my dads opinion) My mom is the one that taught me how to live and be freely myself. I have news I do need to tell to my mom but I don't want my dad to find out because I know he is/was abusive toward her. I'm not stationed or live with them anymore. I don't want my dad to find out that this happened to me but I need to tell my mom. * Any ideas on how moms react to hearing this news? * Assumptions due to the topic of this board lets you know the underlining news I need to tell her about.
 
Hello there,
You know...that is a very good question. My husband has lived with this in his life since he was 5. He turns 34 soon. I am the only person he has ever told. He grew up with really awesome parents. His dad has already passed, but his mom and he are still really close. I am the only person he has ever told. When he told me, he said "I havent even told Mom".
He is the baby, it was his oldest brother who is the perp.
I am sure he feels torn. I dont know if there really is an easy way to tell your Mom.
I will tell you this though, I am a mom.
If this happened to one of my children...I know I would be shocked to hear it and it would shred my soul.....but I would rather die than them NOT to come to me. I am their original safe spot...I would want to be that again during the healing process.

Good luck!
 
Welcome to the site, Mike, its a good place to find support and ideas about how to deal with the after affects of abuse.

I would be thinking about why I want her to know, what kind of response do I think likely, how would I feel if I didnt get the response I hoped for. You might want to think about how likely it is that she could overrule your wishes that your father not know. There is no general response that can be expected in my experience. It seems to range from very positive to very negative. If for example the abuse happened inside the family a supportive reaction to the survivor can be more difficult for family members. Other things like parents guilt for not protecting their child can mean that they in some way blame the survivor. I think you need to think about the possible responses your mom is likely to give you and how you would feel about the best and worst scenarios. Its a difficult and courageous thing to do. I hope that whatever you choose to do that you get the response you want.

We usually post this kind of question on the Male Survivor forum and I expect that you would have gotten more responses there from guys who have been through this.

Take care,

Rustam.
 
I tried posting there and it wouldn't let me. Sorry but thanks for the advice from both of you. I'll figure the forum out before I post again.
MM
 
Mike. No one can control another. There is no way of knowing for sure how your mother will react. After 25 years of hiding in shame I told my mother. I feel so betrayed because she didn't and couldn't comfort me. She didn't even tell me she was sorry - and she was the one who delivered me to my perp like I was a treat on a silver platter - God, the anger and pain is still there after 10 years! the best advice I can give is to find someone to be your support, someone to be the loving support for the hurt child within. Find that someone and then tell your mother. No matter what, there will be someone there to comfort you and protect you if you want them to be there with you. :rolleyes:
 
Mike,

If you haven't read this article , I suggest you check it out. Anything I could say about this would be taken from there anyway ;)

My boyfriend has not talked to anyone in his family about his SA, he disclosed first to me, then to a therapist, and then to another member of my family. I think he'd like to talk to his brother about it but doesn't trust his brother not to take everything back to the parents-- and personally I think his instincts are good in that case.

If you are having trouble with the forums and need some help, please PM a moderator, you can click on the names at the top of the page for each forum, then in the profile click on Send Private Message.

SAR
 
Thank you, all of you for the information and I'll read that webpage, I already started. I really greatly need all the advice their is to know before I make this decision.
I know I can't for tell the future or her comments and gestures and I worry that my secret might change who I am to her. My father would be angry and his anger extends beyond any sane person's. I fear things I don't understand and my heart now more deep and complex may not ever understand my mother. When I was growing up their was nothing I couldn't tell her unless my father was around. She never believed in secrets or untrustful situations. My mother did all the things she had to do to keep us all together. Now I might break us all apart because I broke all the rules, I have a secret concerning an untrustful situation. What happened didn't happen when I was a child and I think about my childhood and wish I could go back to that safe time. A place where my mom could save me.
 
Hey Mike,

Moms come in all shapes and sizes,inside and out. All I can give you is how "I" operate. I like to listen first and think before I open my mouth. USUALLY this is the case!

My children all know they can tell me absolutely anything. If they mess up, there's a way to fix it. Really, there always is. If someone else messes up to their harm...that brings with it a whoooole 'nother set of emotions. Still there is the "we will find the solution", but there is also anger that someone would DARE to hurt my "baby". There is also hurt that someone had the audacity to harm someone that means the world to me. My husband is much the same. He makes a really convincing "mama bear".

I don't know your mom's personality, but it sounds like you have an open good relationship. If you feel that you should tell her, then you should. If you feel something telling you that you can't tell her, maybe you should examine that. I for one, would feel bad if any of my precious ones felt that they had to keep something from me. I can't support them if I don't know what they are fighting.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Hugs,
Lynn
 
I am a female survivor of childhood SA that happened when I was 15. I told my mother last night. I'm 46 now.

I had already dealt in therapy with the fact that "It's all about her" in how she responds to situations and relationships. I also knew that my older brother had disclosed to her a year or so ago that he had been molested as a child at camp by volunteer teenage camp counselor.

Her response to both of us was "I wish I had known so I could have done something". Her response wasnt' about me or my feelings. She later said she was sorry that it happened and we talked more about the situation at the time.

It sure did cause her to open up about herself and her adolescence. My pattern has been not to temper my feelings especially with her as she becomes too empathetic which causes me discomfort. Or I get smothered with her response.

I would imagine that it's a very difficult thing to hear and brings out feelings of powerlessness as well as a host of other feelings.

I will also say that the reason I came to this board was that my oldest son 14, molested our youngest son 5.

I had a lot of extreme emotions. Luckily we found out about it right away.

It was difficult because I couldn't just cast off my oldest son. He disclosed to us at that point that the same thing had happened to him when he was 5. He needed our love as much as our youngest son.

It was a huge issue regarding who we could tell as it did cause a family crisis. When we went for marital counseling to deal with all this stress, the counselor was compelled to report it due to manditory reporting to Child Protective Services and then police became involved. The situation quickly became out of our hands. I suddently became protective of our oldest son.

It's very difficult for mothers when it involves two sons or the abuse happens within the family. But that is not intended to discourage you from disclosing the truth.

I felt, using a religious analogy, like Mary (mother of Jesus) whose heart pierced by sorrow by His suffering.

Maybe you've already told her. But I hope that she could comfort you and assure you of her love for you. And even if she didn't, that what you can do for the little boy inside of you who has suffered and needs your love.

Peaceful
 
Hi mike on the forums, one of two things happed most likly.
1. You have to be loged in to post.
2. You are a nonpaying member like me, and accidently tried to post to one of the paying member forums. I did that once.
 
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