Telling it as it is (trigger/graphic description)
Two years after I had been abused by a paedophile in a public parc I had a nervous breakdwon at age 15. My parents explanation for my breakdown was something in the line of "you are becoming a man"???? As far as they were concerned the sexual abuse I experienced at 13 was not sexual abuse but initiation into sex and my nervous breakdown had no relation to it. As we all know 13 year old kids get initiated into loving/caring sex by perps!!!!
Trigger
A few weeks after my breakdown, when I was 15 I had a major panic attack when I was in town and a lady passing by helped me to walk to a nearby chemist as I was shaking so much and could hardly walk.
I was given a chair in the back room where they keep all the medicines and the owner, in his 60's, closed the door. I was still shaken and hyperventilating and the next thing I knew he was unzipping my trousers and started to masturbate me.
The implications are that when I asked for help because of a panic attack as a result of sexual abuse I got sexually abused again. I have lived so much of my life with the belief that there was no hope for me.
I ask myself quite often why that f***ing son of a b**** asshole f***er did that to me, and yet any apologies/excuses/remorse etc from his part or psychological explanations from professionals would never be satisfactory or acceptable to me. What he did is unforgivable.
I had a thought lately that often murderers will not disclose how they have killed or where they have disposed of the body because that is the only control/power they have left when they serve their life sentence. I imagine paedophiles to be the same and will never tell the truth why they abuse, as abuse is power and when they are caught their only power left is to say nothing or lie.
How come I ended up at a chemist run by a paedophile? What sort of a coincidence is this? This guy must have thought it was his lucky day, he didn't even have to go out and prey on a young teenager, he had one delivered to him.
I wanted to write this down because I feel I have been going in circles with that episode and I feel I need to understand something, I don't what yet but by talking about it I think it helps me to move on.
Heart
Trigger
A few weeks after my breakdown, when I was 15 I had a major panic attack when I was in town and a lady passing by helped me to walk to a nearby chemist as I was shaking so much and could hardly walk.
I was given a chair in the back room where they keep all the medicines and the owner, in his 60's, closed the door. I was still shaken and hyperventilating and the next thing I knew he was unzipping my trousers and started to masturbate me.
The implications are that when I asked for help because of a panic attack as a result of sexual abuse I got sexually abused again. I have lived so much of my life with the belief that there was no hope for me.
I ask myself quite often why that f***ing son of a b**** asshole f***er did that to me, and yet any apologies/excuses/remorse etc from his part or psychological explanations from professionals would never be satisfactory or acceptable to me. What he did is unforgivable.
I had a thought lately that often murderers will not disclose how they have killed or where they have disposed of the body because that is the only control/power they have left when they serve their life sentence. I imagine paedophiles to be the same and will never tell the truth why they abuse, as abuse is power and when they are caught their only power left is to say nothing or lie.
How come I ended up at a chemist run by a paedophile? What sort of a coincidence is this? This guy must have thought it was his lucky day, he didn't even have to go out and prey on a young teenager, he had one delivered to him.
I wanted to write this down because I feel I have been going in circles with that episode and I feel I need to understand something, I don't what yet but by talking about it I think it helps me to move on.
Heart
