Telling friends

Telling friends
T

thetraveller

Registrant
I sent a close friend of mine a link to the letter I posted as I had told him about my CSA, that it happened, but none of the details.

He was quite shocked when he read it, saying it was harsh and blunt but sent me a supportive email telling me I can talk to him whenever I needed too which is great.

It was meant to be a release for me to write the letter and get some of my feelings out but for someone reason i'm feeling like its made me feel worse.

I feel like I've crossed some line in our relationship by letting him know too much about what happened and that he is now going to view me differently somehow.

I don't know what else to do. I really do need some help from someone apart from my T but I'm just so worried of how I'll be percieved by others if they know what happend to me.

Just wondered if anyone else has found it helpful telling a friend etc and how you did it?

Thanks

Craig
 
my best friend knows. i told him a couple years ago. the thing about a friend, is i can share things with him that i can't my wife. he added another supporter to my recovery. i know it feels uncomfortable and unsure for the moment, but he seems to be a real friend. give it time. there is nothing in the world like a true friend in your corner.
 
Hello, Craig,

I told my best friend about ab*se. and he supported me as much as he could. He was not a survivor himself. It felt good, scary but good. It is a big burden being put off your shoulders when you tell someone close to you about what you suffered. Our relationships remained the same, and he likes to see me.

I hope you will find courage to tell your truth.

Alexey
 
Craig - I've told several people now, and I haven't been let down yet.

My friends don't fully understand, but they support me and at least know why I have mood swings.

Best wishes ..Rik
 
Hi Craig,

Like Rik, I've told several people intentionally. To a person there's been no change in our relationship that I can detect.

After I sued my abuser more people were aware as the lawsuit made the newspaper. Again, a few people pointed out that they had read about it and wished me well. One person commented that it was a very brave thing to do, not just for myself but for the other victims of this guy.

I'm sure there are many others who know what happened to me as a result of that story but just don't know if they should say anything. I don't think they know what to say and rather than face an awkward moment they say nothing. That's OK.

All in all, it worked out just fine for me. Hope it does the same for you.

Regards,

Zipser
 
Craig,

I think you can begin to sense from the replies here that most of our experiences have been positive. It sounds like yours well end up being as well.

I have told my story to friends as well as in front of large audiences. I've only ever received one negative response and I presume the guy that didn't like what I had to say has his own issues he'd rather not face.

Strangely I find it very difficult to tell people who are close to me and somewhat easier, although still tough, to tell my story in public. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't know the folk out there in the crowd, so what the heck. If it will help keep it from happening to another child or if I can help one more person on the road to healing, I'm willing.

Lots of love,

John
 
I told my best friend, he said "yeah same thing happened to me, same meat different gravey..."

That made us like brothers.....

PEACE!
 
Craig,

I have tried various ways of disclosing to friends and so far I have had all positive experiences. I know that may not always be the case, but the results so far have been very encouraging.

One thing that I don't do anymore is try to avoid disclosure or change the subject if it comes close to my abuse experiences. If it comes up, well, it comes up and I am prepared to say yes, I was abused from the age of 11 to 14, and yes, it took a terrible toll on me but I faced it and am a lot better now.

My experience is, yes, people will be shocked, but no, for the most part they won't ask prying questions or poke for details.

This happened last night, in fact, at a conference reception where someone asked about the wristband I was wearing. He was very understanding and supportive, but then asked if abused kids turn into abusers themselves. That might have triggered me badly last year, but last night I was able to answer him calmly and the conversation soon passed to other subjects.

Much love,
Larry
 
I actually met up with my friend yesterday. We went out for a long bike ride, had some lunch and then just had a chat.

I have to say is was brilliant to be able to properly open up to my friend for the first time. To be able to express my true feelings was a great experience.

He was amazing, very understanding and supportive which is no suprise really as he's such a good person.

All in all a positive experience and I'm feeling really happy now that I did it.

Thanks guys for all the replies and words of support. It is all gratefully received and very helpful.

Craig
 
(((((((Craig)))))))

Glad it went well for you.

Lots of love,

John
 
Craig,

That is a huge step. My first disclosure to a friend was similar - I was shaking all the way. Each one since has been easier and very liberating.

It is good to be known.

Congrats,
Ed
 
It seems like a lot of people have had good experiences revealing their past to friends.

I haven't been as lucky and my bad experiences have left me feeling more isolated. It's easy to say that perhaps they were not really my friends but it doesn't help my loneliness.

I don't mean to burst anyones bubble. Just be careful and selective in who you tell.
 
surfdude,

I can agree with that statement about being careful and selective in who I tell. It can be a bit of a pickle if a persons chooses the wrong person or the wrong time to disclose. Your point is well taken. Thanks.

Lots of love,

John
 
I think the key idea here is that disclosing is rather like a poker game. If you NEED to win it's better not to play. It does take some reserve of strength, and if you're feeling very fragile it would be a bad idea to take a chance.

In my post above I refer to doing exactly that - taking chances. And for me it has worked out for the most part. I know that a day will come when it will all go badly, but I know I am in a safe enough place to deal with that now.

So give it some thought. What do you want from this disclosure? How important is it to you? Is it a disclosure that would be crucial for your recovery? How would you react if it goes badly? Have you thought it all out, or are you simply doing it on impulse?

Did anyone point out here that Ken Singer has a goot article on disclosure on this site? That would certainly be the place to start when you are thinking about this.

Much love,
Larry
 
I told a girl that I'm close too, I didn't plan on telling her but it got harder to hide it from her, she really wanted a "real" relationship with me and I just couldn't do it, so rather then risk losing her all together I printed out some of the poetry and some of the story about the abuse and handed it to her. She read it, I talked about it, she cried, told me she kind of had an idea, she hugged me for a long time and told me she'd be there for me. It was nice.

She's tried to talk with me about it since then but I can't seem to open up to her, it's strange... now that she knows it's like the "Thing" that defines our relationship and I don't like that. It used to be about me and her, now it's about me and the abuse.

I told another guy about it one time, I thought I knew him but I didn't, he totally used it against me.

Craig I'm glad you told a friend and things are working out for you :)
 
As I mentioned a couple of times in other posts, I've set up an anonymous blog ( Sleep, Eat, Repeat https://sleepeatrepeat.blogspot.com ) just to get my feelings out and record my flashbacks and my therapy and, so far, have shown it only to my wife and mother-in-law, who was also sexually abused and is very supportive (and, of course, anyone here who wants to read it). But, I am reluctant to share it with "friends" for fear that they would totally freak. Several friends know that I was abused as a child, but they don't ask and I don't tell when it comes to details.

The blog helps me. Keeps me grounded. Lets me vent. Keeps a record of the flashbacks and what brings them on (well, not yet, really, but hopefully will).
 
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