teasing

[traveler]

One phenomena that I have noticed while attending the exercise class at the Y is the dynamics of teasing. That was actually one of the anxieties I had about going to a gym before we joined. I had been subjected to merciless bullying in middle school and high school, much of it in the form of very vicious teasing. It often escalated into outright mockery, jeering, name-calling, and other forms of verbal abuse. My reaction to it was not good. I would tense up, get visibly upset, withdraw, and that all seemed to stoke the fires and make it worse.

At the Y now, there is a guy who is huge – both tall and heavy – and others in the class tease him frequently. However, he is confident, good-natured, and it doesn’t seem to bother him. Admittedly, the teasing is not mean-spirited or malicious. There seems to be a tacit understanding that it is OK to tease him and everyone abides by the unspoken guidelines and limits.

On the other hand, when we joined this class, no one ever teased me. It was as if they realized that I would not be OK with it so they reserved that form of play for others and stayed within more respectful and formal means of communication with me. I almost envied the people who were being teased in a friendly way. That seems preferable to being ignored or kept at a distance.

Now that I am more at ease and feel accepted and comfortable in the class, I have relaxed and must be giving off a different vibe. Several times recently, someone has teased me gently and I have enjoyed and appreciated it. Not so much what was said, but that I am part of the group enough to be treated like the others. It is a part of being accepted and acknowledged.

Now I wonder if I had been able to respond differently to the teasing as a kid, it might have gone differently and not morphed into something as traumatic as it turned out to be.

Lee

 

[KMCINVA]

Lee

I think you hit it on the head, the teasing is not mean spirited. I think this is a fine line and repetitive teasing can become hurtful to many. Laughing at oneself is important so as not to take ourselves too seriously. I believe everyone reacts differently, people should sense this. If someone feels the need to leave the room or situation over and over people need to step back, if people come up to someone teased and offer apologizes then it went to far because they sensed the teasing was overdone. Mild and quick humor is good.

I think being part of a group is important and a solid and mature group knows boundaries. Children do not know boundaries as well and your reaction as a child probably was right. I think back to childhood, I was heavy and an athlete I was not, but I tried. At times I would hear hurtful comments. Kids cannot filter their words. If I had not been abused would I have felt differently about the teasing, probably not. I look back and realize I had friends who were there for me but my insecurities from the abuse did not allow me to let them into my world.

I am not sure if this helps but I wanted to say you have come a long way. Enjoy you knew sense of confidence and belonging.

Kevin