Tears flowing - still more!

Tears flowing - still more!
G

Grunty1967b

Registrant
**Triggers** for me and all who read 
Im crying as I write this. Ive had a very emotional week. I read posts and get encouraged and I also get sad. I get angry at myself for getting sad because I should be over all this stuff.

Then, Ive remembered this week another time I was abused. I think I tried to block it out and even made myself think it was my choice and that it wasnt abuse but I know it wasnt yet my mind wont let me believe that and it wont leave me alone.

I was just a boy in junior high and I was in a public toilet and this man pushed the door open (the lock didnt work). I froze but he came over to me and said he just wanted to see me down there. The next thing I know is that hes giving me oral sex and playing with himself. I told him to get out and I think he only left when he heard someone in the next cubicle. I ran out of the toilet and literally ran for my life. I was so scared he was going to come after me. I ran around town I think for about one hour and when I got the bus home I didnt get off at my usual stop in case he was still following [somehow]. I remember like it was yesterday how sick and dirty I felt at school the whole of the next week. Even my school friends and parents thought that something was up. My usual game of playing emotional strongman didnt work. I can still see this mans face and if I could draw I could draw him. Damn him!

It grieves me that I have another chapter in my abuse to have to deal with. I thought my abuse was only limited to my years aged 5-11.

All this week Ive been tired all day, cant really do much work, just want to sleep and cry and roll up in a little ball. This morning I overslept by 90 minutes and found myself wrapped up in my doona like a baby. Shit Shit Shit!!!
 
sorry grunty - but i think the emotional strong man thing is never a good thing to do unless - you have been able to know what your needs are
and that it is ok to have them and learn how to give to them -

i am real sorry upset -

let yourself cry - it is ok -

it would be better probably if someone could be with you - i had hoped that for me this past 2 yeras -

but i dunno - i guess it was growing time -

i had this place and my friends -
and

i mostly can't cry in front of others
unless they are real safe -


paix-
m
 
for some reason grunty - i can hardly move today or express myself withouth feeling totally whiped -

i think it's the ptsd -
dunno

m
 
"I get angry at myself for getting sad because I should be over all this stuff."

Am there a lot. I think some of the toughest things are having pateince with and compassion for myself and this process. Some days I feel like I've gotten through it, but I've learned that I'm just slowly moving forward.

I try to minimize the abuse as well as if it weren't big enough to warrant my response. But my response is real and continues - I can't deny it and must respect it and accept that the abuse was extremely traumatic.

It's tough and as you know, one day at a time, and sometimes one hour or minute at a time.
 
Grunty,

I know this stuff hurts, but that's because it is just about the worst thing that can happen to a boy. You have every right to be upset about it and devastated all over again. You aren't suffering some big setback when you discover something new; a lot of times we have buried so much, and only allow it back bit by bit.

You said something significant I think:

I get angry at myself for getting sad because I should be over all this stuff.
Click to expand...
That's how we wish it could be, yes, and a million times I have told myself I "should" be over it by now. But it doesn't work that way, and maybe that's a good thing. These ambushes will stop, and you will be able to work on your recovery from a solid starting point. The anger, grief and frustration are all part of that.

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, and I'm so sorry. But I think it is what you need to hear.

Take care,
Larry
 
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