Talking to Elderly Parents
Talking to Elderly Parents
- Thread starterLady Rock
- Start date
Born to Resist
Registrant
please define elderly? 60 and over or 70 and over or older? do you also mean suffering or recovering from medical conditions?
My mothers approaching 70, Im still having difficulties talking to her about it.
Would welcome open dialog on tactics and so on, Im getting no where fast.
Would welcome open dialog on tactics and so on, Im getting no where fast.
I stayed silent, and will remain so.
Partly because it's now way too late and they'd have great difficulty understanding what was going on. ( my mother has alzheimers as well so she just wouldn't have a clue )
But I made my decision back in 1998 because to me it was one more complication that I didn't need at that time.
Now I have to live with it, for better or worse.
Dave
Partly because it's now way too late and they'd have great difficulty understanding what was going on. ( my mother has alzheimers as well so she just wouldn't have a clue )
But I made my decision back in 1998 because to me it was one more complication that I didn't need at that time.
Now I have to live with it, for better or worse.
Dave
Mystic Rhythm
Registrant
My parents aren't elderly yet (soon), but I've already made my decision not to disclose.
1. They don't need to die knowing their son was hurt in such a manner.
2. Why cause them more grief than they've already gone through so far with their own problems?
No. This is my story and they don't need to be a part of this chapter in my life. They wouldn't be able to handle it and I'd never hear the end of all the badgering and whispering behind my back from my whole family. I wouldn't be able to take all that crap from them. Not now, not ever. But I, in no way, am implying this is the road to take. This is specific to my situation and was my decision to take and mine alone. Everyone has their own path to follow, and I wish you all the best with whatever decision you make.
MR
1. They don't need to die knowing their son was hurt in such a manner.
2. Why cause them more grief than they've already gone through so far with their own problems?
No. This is my story and they don't need to be a part of this chapter in my life. They wouldn't be able to handle it and I'd never hear the end of all the badgering and whispering behind my back from my whole family. I wouldn't be able to take all that crap from them. Not now, not ever. But I, in no way, am implying this is the road to take. This is specific to my situation and was my decision to take and mine alone. Everyone has their own path to follow, and I wish you all the best with whatever decision you make.
MR
Cathie,
I was sorting through some old threads looking for something when I stumbled on this one. Although the reason you started this thread in the first place is long since past, I'd like to return to it and post my $0.02 worth.
Around the time you started this thread I was really struggling with the concept of telling my Mother and Father about my SA and also relating to them how their strict diciplinary standards (read that physical and emotional abuse used in the name of obedience) left me feeling unsafe as a child in my own home.
I praise the Lord that they changed their ways while I was yet a teen and became kind and loving people, but my early years were devastating and led to the sexual abuse that followed at the hands of others.
After private discussions here with a couple of my good friends, and discussion the matter with my T, I decided that I did not need to disclose to them about the SA, but did need to discuss the abuse they were responsible for.
Also around that same time my father (92) started failing some and as the planned date in early Feb. began to approach I decided to forget the whole thing. I traveled to my parents home that weekend just to visit and to tell them that I love them, do the other things I came to do, and return home knowing that they love me and I them.
My first evening home Mother opened up and apologised for the "excesive dicipline" she had subjected me to as a child. We talked a lot and she asked a lot of questions. I answered those questions truthfully, one of which centered on the subject of CSA. Dad sat and listened never saying a word, but I could see the pain in his eyes. It was an emotional, heartbreaking, and above all, a very rewarding discussion. We stayed up till after midnight 2 of the 3 nights I was there, which is a lot for folks of my parents age to do.
The amazing thing to me was that I did not need to start the conversaion. It was started for me, and was done in a loving and sensitive, caring manner.
I only wish all my friends here could have a similar experience with the ones they would like to disclose to.
Lots of love, and thanks for listening,
John
I was sorting through some old threads looking for something when I stumbled on this one. Although the reason you started this thread in the first place is long since past, I'd like to return to it and post my $0.02 worth.
Around the time you started this thread I was really struggling with the concept of telling my Mother and Father about my SA and also relating to them how their strict diciplinary standards (read that physical and emotional abuse used in the name of obedience) left me feeling unsafe as a child in my own home.
I praise the Lord that they changed their ways while I was yet a teen and became kind and loving people, but my early years were devastating and led to the sexual abuse that followed at the hands of others.
After private discussions here with a couple of my good friends, and discussion the matter with my T, I decided that I did not need to disclose to them about the SA, but did need to discuss the abuse they were responsible for.
Also around that same time my father (92) started failing some and as the planned date in early Feb. began to approach I decided to forget the whole thing. I traveled to my parents home that weekend just to visit and to tell them that I love them, do the other things I came to do, and return home knowing that they love me and I them.
My first evening home Mother opened up and apologised for the "excesive dicipline" she had subjected me to as a child. We talked a lot and she asked a lot of questions. I answered those questions truthfully, one of which centered on the subject of CSA. Dad sat and listened never saying a word, but I could see the pain in his eyes. It was an emotional, heartbreaking, and above all, a very rewarding discussion. We stayed up till after midnight 2 of the 3 nights I was there, which is a lot for folks of my parents age to do.
The amazing thing to me was that I did not need to start the conversaion. It was started for me, and was done in a loving and sensitive, caring manner.
I only wish all my friends here could have a similar experience with the ones they would like to disclose to.
Lots of love, and thanks for listening,
John
johnsurvived
Registrant
John,
Thank you for a valuable post. I have reached the decision that at some point, I do have to tell my parents what happened, because it happened in the family and the dynamics that surrounded its occurrence are still very much with my parents, each of my siblings, and our own families today. I love the idea that it does not have to be an accusation, or a rant, or a venting, but, simply, a sharing of feeling and experience. You give me hope, John.
{John}
John
Thank you for a valuable post. I have reached the decision that at some point, I do have to tell my parents what happened, because it happened in the family and the dynamics that surrounded its occurrence are still very much with my parents, each of my siblings, and our own families today. I love the idea that it does not have to be an accusation, or a rant, or a venting, but, simply, a sharing of feeling and experience. You give me hope, John.
{John}
John
roadrunner
Registrant
John,
As you know, I have gone through a lot of this issue of telling elderly parents - Lady Rock (Cathie, my sister) and I are talking about the same people!
I would say to anyone who is thinking of disclosing to parents that it's a very good idea to be as prepared as you can possibly be. I don't mean rehearse a speech - in fact, I would say make everything as spontaneous as possible. But be emotionally ready for them to become very upset. Mine immediately focused on me and were very supportive, but others might feel angry or ask questions that you consider hurtful.
One thing you should be prepared to do is to give them a basic framework of what happened. From this age to that, who the abuser was, and was it "a few times" or "many times". They will need this in order to process the disclosure, and if you don't tell them they will fret endlessly over these points.
If possible, be available for a few days after your disclosure. They might not be able to talk all that much at first, but after a few days they may have questions or comments.
At some point, also ask yourself these important questions: Why are you doing this and why is it important? Do you want closure, support, reconciliation, confrontation? How will it help you if things go as you hope?
Hope this helps.
Much love,
Larry
As you know, I have gone through a lot of this issue of telling elderly parents - Lady Rock (Cathie, my sister) and I are talking about the same people!
I would say to anyone who is thinking of disclosing to parents that it's a very good idea to be as prepared as you can possibly be. I don't mean rehearse a speech - in fact, I would say make everything as spontaneous as possible. But be emotionally ready for them to become very upset. Mine immediately focused on me and were very supportive, but others might feel angry or ask questions that you consider hurtful.
One thing you should be prepared to do is to give them a basic framework of what happened. From this age to that, who the abuser was, and was it "a few times" or "many times". They will need this in order to process the disclosure, and if you don't tell them they will fret endlessly over these points.
If possible, be available for a few days after your disclosure. They might not be able to talk all that much at first, but after a few days they may have questions or comments.
At some point, also ask yourself these important questions: Why are you doing this and why is it important? Do you want closure, support, reconciliation, confrontation? How will it help you if things go as you hope?
Hope this helps.
Much love,
Larry
Lady Rock,
One day, about fifteen years ago, my parents came to see me. They stayed a few days and moved on. The plan was to go stay a few days at each of their kids house than go home. This would take them about 1,000 miles all total. It was summertime and at about 6 am on the morning after they left, I was laying in bed talking to God. I was giving him a sob story, poor me, I didn't tell my parents, I just wasn't any good, etc. I heard what I was saying to myself and it made me mad. So I promised myself and God that I would tell Mom and Dad next time I saw them.
I got out of bed and looked out the window and here they came round the corner. We sat down and talked for a couple of hours. I don't really remember much about the conversation except that Dad was very quiet just like he was with John. And like John, I too could see the pain in his eyes.
After our talk, they went on home. But before they left, they both gave me a hug and told me that they loved me. That was the first hug I can remember getting from my dad.
Love ya
Darrel
One day, about fifteen years ago, my parents came to see me. They stayed a few days and moved on. The plan was to go stay a few days at each of their kids house than go home. This would take them about 1,000 miles all total. It was summertime and at about 6 am on the morning after they left, I was laying in bed talking to God. I was giving him a sob story, poor me, I didn't tell my parents, I just wasn't any good, etc. I heard what I was saying to myself and it made me mad. So I promised myself and God that I would tell Mom and Dad next time I saw them.
I got out of bed and looked out the window and here they came round the corner. We sat down and talked for a couple of hours. I don't really remember much about the conversation except that Dad was very quiet just like he was with John. And like John, I too could see the pain in his eyes.
After our talk, they went on home. But before they left, they both gave me a hug and told me that they loved me. That was the first hug I can remember getting from my dad.
Love ya
Darrel