Talked to my wife....

[tna2016]

I finally mustered the courage to talk to my wife on my sexual abuse (by my eldest sister at age 9) and about my relationship with my father. I read a book (Victims no Longer, Mike Lew) and felt the urge to talk to someone. I am happy that 'that someone' was my wife. I spoke to her about my deep seated anger and resentment against my father, the fact that he has always been emotionally so distant and I was (and still am) not able to connect with him, even though I respect him and take care of him in every way. It is frustrating that he detested any physical gesture of demonstrating love ( as simple as running his fingers through my hair, or giving me a hug), and I hate him for that. He has done a lot for me, and he made all our careers (mine and my siblings'), but I am not able to feel or reciprocate to his love. My elder brother could connect with him (they played chess together), but I don't remember spending any memorable time with him. Most of the conversations I had with him would involve him giving me lessons of morality, but I think he greatly failed to understand my emotional needs. He detests any kind of display of vulnerability or emotions. Once when I was playing my guitar with the entire extended family present, I started crying (the song was too loaded with emotions for me to handle, having faced multiple failures in my career over the past few years). He was seated opposite to me, but never cared to get up and console me. He just ordered me to stop crying/displaying my weakness (it was my brother's father-in-law who came up to me and held me and gave me the much needed emotional assurance, and it felt good - my father never realized this). In fact, I have come to a point where I long for fatherly love, but don't care to get it from my father anymore. He is a very hard, rough man who can never show his love to anyone, which I have missed all my life, and I really don't want to be to my children the way he has been to me.

I have been brought up in a very conservative Asian society which places tremendous emphasis on respecting your parents and treating them as Gods, and so it was doubly difficult for me to vent my anger on my dad before someone. However, I am happy I disclosed it to my wife, and feel a bit relieved. I also feel closer to her, with her being my confidante.

I also spoke to my wife about my sexual abuse in a bit more detail, but wasn't very comfortable getting into greater details. Maybe next time...

Wish all the best to all fellow survivors!