Taking Stock

[Bobby]

You can never find out who I am. I would die. I have said so many things here that I would never say to you in person...or anyone in person...or anyone period. It has been a good cleansing of the soul, but holy____! Am I messed up, or what?

I really have come a long way in three weeks. I just keep getting weirder and weirder and weirder. I'd like to thank you all for that. When you start letting all that stuff out into the open and start writing it down and looking at it and then realize that it's you who wrote it...well, it's very strange, that's all. You think "What have they done to me?" meaning the perpetrators...not you. I still have some amazing stuff to share with you that will make you think I've really lost it...well, even more than you think that now. They are SA dreams/memories/fantasies? that are so unbelievable that only one of my many therapists (I have so many, they plan to play in the Super Bowl next year.) believes them. He, however, believes these things happened. Even I think they're way out of bounds.

I took today off to recover. I have decided that I have to just sit myself down and talk to myself about what has been happening here, what affect it is having on me, (besides the endless crying stuff...I hate that) and what I plan to do with the information. I'm writing it all down, because it means more when I share it with you (that is the general "you" that I feel when I come here...you are a group sitting on a hillside that I see quite clearly and talk to. You are very kindly...all ages...and all very helpful, and most of you are quite distinguised looking.). I am also going to finallly open my letter from my child that I wrote to myself during the recovery week-end. It is open and by my side, but I haven't had the nerve to read it yet.

I have tried to start writing several times. One posting that I read today inspired me to write about how warped we are when we discuss strong and weak. We confuse it with physical prowess. That's just wrong. This is probably the strongest group of men I have ever known.

Every time I start to write, however, there is a screaming coming from the back of my head (told you I was weird). That always happens when something is bubbling and brewing in there and it always needs to come out and show itself, and is usually very enlightening.

So, now I will begin my rambling again. If you're still here, thank-you. If you're not...I understand completely. Why is it that when I come on here to write and nothing comes to mind right away that part of me wants to head to the porn site? You know I'm either addicted, or close, to porn, so what is there? Why do I run there? Why do I want to run there? Is it comforting in some way? I always look for the same thing...the thng that I think was done to me during the time of my abuse. But why would it be a place to flee to? There are lots of possibilities running around in my head, but I'd like to know what you think? Does it happen to anyone else?

Bobby

 

[reality2k4]

Bobby, thanks for being so honest and open in your posts, it is hard, if it makes things easier for you, it is so hard for me sometimes to post.

Every time I start to write, however, there is a screaming coming from the back of my head (told you I was weird). That always happens when something is bubbling and brewing in there and it always needs to come out and show itself, and is usually very enlightening.

You are not weird, it is good that you can get this stuff out and share. The screaming in your head is a natural way of reliving anger, and purging it. Maybe this is why it is enlightening.

You know I'm either addicted, or close, to porn, so what is there? Why do I run there? Why do I want to run there? Is it comforting in some way?

I was abused as a preteen, it meant that I would act out sexually without realising it, I think it fires something off in your head, that you just need porn as a constant companion. I download loads of porn, but the odd thing is, I hardly ever watch it, so I guess it is an addiction.

Don't really know why!

I always look for the same thing...the thng that I think was done to me during the time of my abuse.

This is only my view, but I do the same thing, I looked for porn to go back and relive what I went through and maybe just to realise I wasn't alone, strange but true, you only believe it when you see it with adult eyes, not the child eyes that denied it from his thoughts so long ago.

As adults, it is hard to know why we were so affected, so we have to somehow relive it, and let it fit our response and see why the child was so affected, as our minds' deny over time.
You maybe have to rationalise it by visiting it again, I did.

I remember thinking I was the only kid in the World who was going through this mental hell, who never thought he could survive in a World full of kids who seemed so happy.

I learned to look happy after studying these kids, as a kid, they taught me loads, they taught me how to mask out the silence.

Bobby, you are no different than anyone here, the courage of your inner child fought more wars than most of the strongest men who defend countries, believe it. For all his self perceived faults, they were never his, they were the work of another, and how his life evolved.

We call ourselves survivors, but is it really surviveable, I hope so, to get this far takes so much courage. Courage most men could only ever dream of.

You survived. I hope this helps,

ste

 

[Mike Church]

Bobby I know who you are. YOU ARE A GUY WHO HAS BEEN COVERED IN THE EVIL STENCH OF SA. YOU ARE A GUY WHO IS LOOKING FOR A WAY TO LIVE LIFE THE WAY IT WAS MEANT TO BE LIVED. YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT WEIRD.

You are terrified and that is a natural state at the beginning. You are on unfamiliar ground and that is scary as hell. What you are finding out here is that you are not alone and that we are all here for each other.

Bobby just keep it up and things will get easier believe me.

THE GOAL IS TO NOT LET THE PAST SA AND ALL THAT WENT WITH IT NOT INFLUENCE THE FUTURE WHERE YOU ARE GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

It is not really moving on. It is, I think, acknowledging it happened, it was not your fault or shame, anger is properly placed where it belongs and life becomes a truly great experience.