Hi Jeff.
I have to disagree with your self-assessment. In law there is the principal of "But for" that I think applies to you. But for the fact you were exploited starting at age nine, but for the fact you were molested by Papasan for years, but for the fact you were trafficked by Papasan and abused by adult male ephebophiles, but for the fact that you were groomed by Papasan, you would not have been a "hustler."
I have to repeat this. You are not at fault. You were a kid who was hustled and trafficked and that experience of dependency on Papasan made a very abnormal situation (to say the least) seem somehow normal. The implication is that you had a choice in all that and I do not believe you did. As I said earlier, children cannot consent, they can only comply.
I read somewhere that we survivors of sexual abuse tend to blame ourselves for it. By doing so, it gives us the illusion that it was something we could have controlled, and could control in the future. By saying "It's my fault," what we really mean is that had we simply taken step A and step B, it would not have happened and therefore we can now take steps A and B to prevent it from happening again.
My therapist calls it loyalty to dysfunctionality. And I am learning to agree with him.
As far as the drugs, good heavens, many of us survivors used (and still use) them. The fact you were drugging yourself as you went through this torment shows you did not really want to be doing what you were being forced to do. Had you truly "enjoyed" the experience you would not have needed drugs to numb a shattered soul.
I say this from experience because I am a drug addict and alcoholic. I have been sober for about ten years now and I can say while it was difficult, getting sober was the best thing I ever did for myself, my wife, and my daughters.
Jeff, please know that I will not give up on you. I firmly believe that you are -- and were, as a teen and pre-teen -- a great person. You have survived a youth that was horrific, and even that word does not do it justice. You were used, abused, exploited and tortured. These things were not your choice. All your other ancillary decisions sprang from the abuse and exploitation. They are not your fault. I truly, truly hope you can learn to forgive yourself -- not for what you did as a child, but for blaming yourself for all these years.
You are a good person. I wish I could tell you this in person. It was not your fault. You were not what you say you were; you were used, abused and exploited. You are a survivor.
Mike