I don't want to make this a thread about me since there is more important subjects here that need attention so I'll make this post short. I really didn't want to start a campaign or commotion but I want to thank you and everyone here for their extremely kind thoughts. The support is extreme to the point that I could cry. I just wish I could feel the same way.
I don't know a way to explain myself but being a little hustler was just something I did. I'm not saying that I liked to do it but it was a part of my life. There were johns that I liked being with, johns where I wondered when the evening would end and johns that I hated being with.
As for my year at the movies when I was 14-15 was something that I will regret the rest of my life. I did things that I am ashamed of and there is no way I can undo the awful damage I did which I mentioned in one of the threads on this forum. And yes I also had awful things happen to me. And yes I feel completely guilty falling for the line that I could become a model doing advertising spots for companies and make some money also.
Last night I forgot to take my night meds and I didn't have anything to drink because I finished my bottle. I didn't want to get out of bed to go take them so I just went to sleep, a big mistake. The nightmares started almost immediately where kids were chasing me all over the place and I could not find my apartment to find safety. It finally ended with me being caught and a kid putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger. I woke up all wet and clammy.
Please don't make this thread about me. Thank you.
Don't worry either about whatever direction this thread takes. This whole place is set up to give us a way to speak. Speaking starts to a process of letting stuff out, and letting stuff out makes it become less powerful and painful inside. In that we find strength and freedom. If this or any other thread leads to one more of us finding that, that's awesome. It means we keep winning.
jeff, is it possible that these nightmares you have are a way of saying that it's time to kill the thoughts of yourself as a "shitty" kid and to embrace the loving person you really are?
you are a great guy, jeff! you know that i love ya as a brother. ms is a community of support.. we help each other. sure, you didn't start this thread, but all the threads on ms are to not only help and support the original poster, but all the others here on ms as well.
you can see it by a lot of the introductory posts that new members make. a lot of them say they have been on ms for a few days, to weeks even, reading posts here and gaining enough strength to join ms and reach out themselves...
jeff... we see ourselves in threads throughout ms... someone else voiced what was going on inside of us... this whole section of ms is a good section for you because of what you have experienced. i'm GLAD that this section exists because it has made it possible for you to be able to further your recovery by reaching out to others who have experienced similar things that you have gone through. you are opening yourself up more. you have progressed greatly because of this section...
buffalo is correct... you are gaining freedom, strength and hope....
all of us here believe in you, jeff... and i know for a fact that there are a lot more than just 7 people who believe in you, believe that you are truly a good person, that you are a survivor and that you'll get through this...
Jeff, I agree with Obi. It seems that at this time and place we do need to focus our love and support on you. You survived an unspeakable childhood and youth and that makes you a brave man now and a brave boy then. I wish there was more I could do to soothe your torment because I know you feel it. And I read your other posts and know about some of the things you were forced to do. Actions done under duress are not the fault of the actor.
Jeff, you are a good, good man and I wish I could tell you this in person. You were a tremendous kid in that you were able to survive your own private holocaust.
Please, please give yourself a break. You absolutely deserve it.
Don't think I don't appreciate everyone's good wishes and helpful thinking, I do more than I can express. I'm not trying to be difficult and I agree with what everyone says but unfortunately I am lightyears from being there. I know I have to work on it and my meds have helped tremendously to calm me down, more or less stop my mood swings and let me sleep most of the time quietly.
There are two things that I see I'm having trouble conveying to everyone about my childhood. The first is that my childhood was my "normal" I never fought the way I was. Second I know some of you know about that year I was forced to do things that I will regret forever. What I think that everyone here is missing is that whether I was forced or high as a kite I destroyed many souls. The screaming crying faces I see everyday. Yes I was forced, yes I was scared of the torture and yes I was only the stick used to make these people money, this stick has feelings though. I have trouble forgiving myself just because I wanted to save my own ass. This is the image I have of myself.
I had better stop here, I'm having a problem with this at the moment.
I just want to thank everyone for their kindness. I want to wish everyone peace, healing and a happy better and brighter new year.
I realise that what you are all saying and I know deep down that you are all correct but I have this little shit devil on my shoulder that I have to overcome. Like someone told me recently that I should try and listen more. But like I said that if someone says something nice or honest that little shit on my shoulder protests and says that I was never a good kid. I could list out a whole long list but that's not the point of this post. I just want to acknowledge how much help you all have been and that I'm trying to work with all of you to change the image of myself.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, I will try and be a better listener.
Sorry but that would not be possible. Someday maybe, I'll make one that I could share here. Thing is though, recording that I did not trigger even once. We can take back our image because it never belonged to them in the first place. Healing is possible, real and within our grasp!
This last post of yours shows a lot of hard work on your healing in order to get to a point where you weren't triggered making that video. I love the way you worded it, this is a really huge step in your life. You shine with optimism which in one way makes me think that I will overcome my past someday. Unfortunately at this point in my life I know that could never happen because of the shit I was involved in. I see and understand why you would say that even I am able to recover my Image. The problem is that the only image I ever had or remember is not one of not having a normal image to look back on. I could wish there was another image but now it's trying to live with an image that is the only one I knew of and that's not normal in any way.
Thanks and I totally understand. Maybe start with your image of who you are now, today, one who survived even through "they" maybe hoped you would not.
Today you are working on moving forward, one step at a time. That already means you have won and they have lost. Maybe that is the picture of you now that you can embrace, a counter-point to evil that is good.
Look down at your feet and declare, right here, right now, moving forward. That is the only image I have of you, and the only one that counts brother.
I look forward to the time when you do get to the point of making a video that you can show us. No doubt it'll be a real inspiration. The fact that you made a recording with zero triggering shows fantastic progress. Congratulations.
This thread started last December when at the time you were looking forward to a new job that would allow you to continue with the T. I hope that has worked out nicely, it sounds as if you're making great progress.
I was thinking about what I said to you earlier. I know a picture can be worth a thousand words but when the image cannot be seen the person has to work very hard so that he can express his feelings (image) in words. The effort you put into that virtual image of your feelings seems to me to be like that of an artist. The artist creates his art through the virtual image of his feelings. So his art is a story book of his feelings that he is putting onto canvas. The art is an extension of the artist's feelings put to canvas and in your case in a post. Once you can create that virtual image in words you can at some time in the future put those feelings and create an actual image of your feelings in a video.
I write for sure. My T had me write then read, because simply talking was not easy as we all know. Maybe someday it'll be a book, my journal of my progress. No idea how to translate that into a video, but I like the challenge. Thanks brother!
Everyone, this is amazing. Everyone's situation is different, but to see what people have gone through and survived is simply incredible. What I've seen again and again is boys finding ways to survive things adults would find unimaginable.
The people in each of our lives who were so destructive were also good at creating no-win situations. Each of us, in one way or another, were forced to do what happened. Whether the force was applied through grooming, through expressions of affection, through gifts and "love" or threats and coercion, none of us were ever in a situation where "just walking away and telling someone" was ever a viable option.
Had any of us had that option, I'd be willing to say none of us would have ever wound up here. We could have sought treatment, restored what our lives were before the bad things happened, and moved on. But that's not how it works. We were HELD there, often in a variety of ways, and there WAS no way to escape. Any illusions of "volition," especially when it comes to things that we may have done with or to other boys, are nothing more than that-- illusions. Lies. Pick your word. But the choice for all of us was, "Do you want to do something that will screw you up for my benefit, or would you like to do something that will screw you up for my benefit?" There was NO third option.
Personally, I have a whole world of respect for anyone who feels bad for causing another person pain, even if it was done under severe duress. "Bad" people wouldn't care. They'd just say, "Well, better you than me, bud!" and be nonchalant about it. If it's bothering you, regardless of how "free" you thought you might have been to refuse, it means you're a good person. Count your lucky stars that you came through all this with a sense of empathy for your fellow humans and a sensitivity to others' pain.
Gentlemen, you're an amazing bunch of guys. I count myself honored to be here among such men.