Taboo topic at MS--Eroticizing the abuse--Triggers
yep! wrote lots about it!wet spot
The important thing is that you are trying to process it instead of simply get stuck and paralyzed by guilt.Honesty-I beat myself up for an angry beat off to an abuse memory the other night. More than anything though I felt bad that I was hurting the inner boy I’m trying to love, and I’m some way I enjoyed that. Hurting him. I felt ashamed for that.
I understand your message but would add: it takes time, maybe a lot of time so for those on the side lines, who may not even be sure yet what 'honest' looks like or feels like (it can be very scary to let one self go there) take your time, read, reread posts, whatever you're comfortable with at this point.... 'Honest' will come at the right time when you are ready..... Best wishes, healthy healing... One foot in front of the other....You're welcome @just me and thank you for adding to it. If we can't be open and honest here, there's not much point in being here.
No, I did not mean to imply that anyone should force himself to think or share a certain way in the name of honesty. To clarify, I simply meant that I hope this thread can serve as a judge-free zone to discuss an aspect of our abuse that many of us feel obligated (for whatever reason) to keep secret and guarded.I understand your message but would add: it takes time, maybe a lot of time so for those on the side lines, who may not even be sure yet what 'honest' looks like or feels like (it can be very scary to let one self go there) take your time, read, reread posts, whatever your comfortable with at this point.... 'Honest' will come at the right time when you are ready..... Best wishes, healthy healing... One foot in front of the other....
I think a lot of us struggle with this I know I do and wish I had sought help sooner. I still have this voice in my head that says I am a sick freak even though my T and others here tell me I am not. I wonder if this was not the foundation of criticism of myself for so many things. It has aged me or at least I feel it has. Since I have really started addressing this stuff I have never felt so drained so tired so wanting to fade away.It’s a weight off of me to know that it’s not just me. I wish I had known this 25 or (35) years ago. That I wasn’t the sick perverted kid I thought I was.
EXACTLY - I agree, Alex!To clarify, I simply meant that I hope this thread can serve as a judge-free zone to discuss an aspect of our abuse that many of us feel obligated (for whatever reason) to keep secret and guarded.
Thank you for the clarification, I understood what you meant, and judge-free is the only way we may be able to let it out. I was only adding that some of us may know when we're being honest, some may not know what honest is yet(even with ourselves), some may think we are being honest... But with no fault of our own, we may not be ready... It can take time, maybe a lot, to wrap one's head clearly around the deep truth that we guard, maybe even from ourselves.No, I did not mean to imply that anyone should force himself to think or share a certain way in the name of honesty. To clarify, I simply meant that I hope this thread can serve as a judge-free zone to discuss an aspect of our abuse that many of us feel obligated (for whatever reason) to keep secret and guarded.
I have had similar fantasies. I also went thru a period of hypersexuality. Having been pretty conservative and relationship oriented regarding sex for most of my life this was quite troubling to me. Thru research and an empathetic councilor I discovered that this reaction is not that uncommon. I think it has to do with taking control. Even in a passive role, that fact that we are choosing to engage in the activity - fantasy reinforces our power/sexuality/masculinity.You're not alone in doing so. I have eroticized the abuse and entertained fantasies around it in the past. It adds a whole other layer to the already overwhelming feelings of shame, confusion and overall feeling of dirtiness.
Sorry for your struggle. I'm sure what you're dealing with is not that uncommon among this group. I don't know that it's getting in the way of your healing but rather an indication of how far along you are. Shame, guilt, and self recrimination are all common symptoms among us, and a result of trauma. We have to learn to treat ourselves better than we were treated by those who supposedly loved us. I think this is far more significant than sexual fantasies about our abusers. Hope this helps in some way.--Triggers--
There--I admit it--I sometimes eroticize my abuse.
I have been very hesitant to start a thread about this topic, in large part because it is embarrassing and I fear being judged about it. For me, it is one of the most haunting effects of the abuse. It makes me feel like I must be a pervert to be aroused by memories of what happened. I can think rationally about this problem and realize that fantasizing and masturbating about the abuse runs counter to my recovery; however, it is not a rational thing. It makes me feel so, so alone and, at times, like I don't belong here at MS.
It feels like a forbidden topic here, but it is a real struggle and source of angst for me.
Thanks for listening. I needed to get it off my chest.