Taboo topic at MS--Eroticizing the abuse--Triggers

Cruzzah

Registrant
I know this an old thread, but this post is so poignantly written! Thank you, @Chase Eric !

I would love to see this thread stickied (I think that's the word?) to the front page. I can't tell you how much it means to not feel completely alone in this.

Actually, you all probably know exactly how much it means :/
thank you for this thread. You explained so eloquently the difference between general physical abuse, and sexual abuse. There is as you say a gut wrenching effect that comes from sexual abuse. I believe this can come from "emotional" sexual abuse as well as physical. It is in it's nature harder to recognize / identify, but I believe it carries with it the same emotional damage. As children we are forced to play a role that is inappropriate and conflicts with our needs.
 

Cruzzah

Registrant
thanks for explaining this. I have been struggling with this issue for some time. It has often resulted in a state of hypersexuality which i find quite troubling. While i've been relatively conservative sexually for most of my life, I now find myself seeking more erotic fantasies to try and resolve my emotional pain and confusion. I know consciously that this is not a solution, but sometimes it's the only thing that gives me relief.
 

ODAT

New Registrant
Thank you for this thread. I was eight when I was raped by a 14 yr old boy at least twice and feel I did other things too but I can’t remember now. I am now 63 and it is only in the last few years that I fantasized the boy me giving sex to my uncle (which didn’t happen but the scenario was right for it.) I also got triggered by the numerous priest sex abuse reports and would often imagine myself being 8-10 and doing anything they wanted and being OK with it. After my abuse at eight, I didn’t act out until my late 20’s to my mid 40’s when I started giving oral sex to older, married males. Did I do that because I was doing it when I was 8? For 55 years I thought I knew what happened but now I think I don’t. I still struggle with the young me being abused and pleasing older males sexually. I am seeing a T now for help and will discuss this thread with him. So thanks everyone for posting!
 

Cruzzah

Registrant
Reenacting the Abuse ***TRIGGERS***

“Many adult survivors of CSA engage in what we call traumatic reenactments. It is in part a way of trying to gain mastery over events of powerlessness. It is an internalizing of the offender and a way of punishing the self for getting abused. It is also used as a way to quiet down high anxiety and agitation. These episodes can be severe and anxiety provoking”. - Suffering and the Heart of God: Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores

Over and over again, I have gone back to what happened when I was eight. Thousands of times I have imagined myself on my knees performing oral sex on a man. I imagine myself submissive to another man. Sometimes in my fantasy they appreciate it and shower affection on me and for a moment I feel loved. Other times they hurl abuse and scorn on me. I yield any belief of worth and give myself over to that which feels so true....I am worthless and less than.

I go there when I am agitated. I go there when I feel out of control. I go there when I feel inadequate. Each time my agitation, my struggles seem to cease for a moment. And then the guilt and shame rush in.

God help me. My fantasies are a cruel master. They have been my cruel companion. Always delivering what I ask of them (for just a moment) but always demanding so much in return. They keep me in bondage - never fulfilling the promise to resolve what happened when I was eight. Never filling the promise to once and for all make me feel loved or worthless - I will settle for either. I just want clarity. I want the struggle to be over. How can there be freedom from slavery? It is for freedom that Christ set me free. But in the darkness, freedom is inconceivable.
I am struggling to find the words to reply because your words hit me so profoundly! I have relived my trauma so many times trying to find some kind of reconciliation because it didn't make sense to me. The event [which I witnessed as a video] involved a a very handsome well built man, who endured an hour and a half of extreme pain and humiliation and what I saw as emasculation by 3 women. In addition to his physical beauty, he appeared to be a very nice guy, and was very apprehensive about what was to happen. The 3 women chattered and laughed [as well as his brother who was filming it] as the they did a full body wax using the most painful method. After they had removed all the hair on his body except his private area, he removed his shorts. The last part was audio only. This part was obviously the most excruciating, as he bellowed and cursed in agony. This horror show had to do with raising money for a charity. When they were done, they had removed all his body hair from the neck down and his skin was bright pink. I couldn't understand why this man would allow such a thing, especially the last part. Yes, I was attracted to him, and his physical beauty made it seem that much more disrespectful. I was trembling and almost physically by the end of the video. My councilor said it represented things that happened to me as a child. I saw this video in Dec of 2019. I have learned that when I am anxious I am most vulnerable to this memory. Sometimes the only relief is to imagine myself comforting him, and admiring his beauty. Of course this ends up in arousal and self gratification. Thank you for sharing your story.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
--Triggers--


Thanks for listening. I needed to get it off my chest.

**I just noted the date & time lol**

I was triggered by a post... No names though.

I'm happy you got that off your chest. Its good for us to vent and have an open space to vent, especially to people whom will understa. The lot of us that are older can understand this. I'm trying not to use age here because we all grow up differently.

there is a strong difference between "inside thoughts" and "outside thoughts"

Adults of child abuse know better than to abuse another child. Its that simple. Talking about it with a trained professional is the best option to help yourself get there.

Cheers to you my friend. Be well,

Ct
 
I tried to share my story here of a complicated combination of terror, body sensations, arousals, first orgasms, and other memories to unwind from repeated sexual abuse for months by older boys. I was already attracted to male peers prior to the abuse starting, and a few years ago I started dating only men (slightly older than me, go figure).

Oh dear, I just realized how much those abuse incidents broke me as I tried to share my story in detail (and then delete). My arousal during the abuse is not something I want to reinforce through eroticizing them, but they are also not something I want to forget, it's part of the my authenticity about what really happened.
 
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wmcpeters

Registrant
--Triggers--

There--I admit it--I sometimes eroticize my abuse.

I have been very hesitant to start a thread about this topic, in large part because it is embarrassing and I fear being judged about it. For me, it is one of the most haunting effects of the abuse. It makes me feel like I must be a pervert to be aroused by memories of what happened. I can think rationally about this problem and realize that fantasizing and masturbating about the abuse runs counter to my recovery; however, it is not a rational thing. It makes me feel so, so alone and, at times, like I don't belong here at MS.

It feels like a forbidden topic here, but it is a real struggle and source of angst for me.

Thanks for listening. I needed to get it off my chest.
@AlexBoyd ... this! Thank you for speaking your truth in this forum. I too struggle with this same issue, and at times in my life it is all consuming. It feels like the wash cycle - wash, spin, rinse, spin, repeat. I want to overcome it, and sadly, reliving it helps me feel in control of it. Not sure that makes any sense. I appreciate you sharing this. New here... so still digging in. Be strong. Be the light. Peace!
 

Cruzzah

Registrant
@AlexBoyd ... this! Thank you for speaking your truth in this forum. I too struggle with this same issue, and at times in my life it is all consuming. It feels like the wash cycle - wash, spin, rinse, spin, repeat. I want to overcome it, and sadly, reliving it helps me feel in control of it. Not sure that makes any sense. I appreciate you sharing this. New here... so still digging in. Be strong. Be the light. Peace!
Yes, I to eroticize some of my abuse and the trigger {someone else being abused] that created the awareness that now haunts me everyday!
 
I don't erotize my abuse but when I fantasize, masturbate, its mostly to an abusive fantasy. I'm an adult in the fantasy but its always sex with someone I don't want to be with and doing things I don't want to do.
 

Troy86

Registrant
I do to. Not sure how to put it into words as i feel shame and embarrassment around those thoughts. I have struggled most of my adult life with those thoughts. Being here and talking openly about mine and others abuse has only highlighted it even more. It’s good to know I am not the only one and feel less different to other guys.
 

Dunc6932

Registrant
AB
I now find myself going back to this thread to read the responses from others. Many of the responses sound like what has played in my mind for over three and a half decades. The views of this thread must be nearing 10,000 by now. I wonder if people that never suffered from this realize how lucky they are. Its just comforting knowing I haven’t been the only one to replay what has destroyed me tens of thousands of times. Thanks for the courage to post.
 
Tens of thousands of times is no exaggeration for me. I think only the men here could understand that. I have tethered by a bungee cord to what happened when I was eight. It keeps pulling me back as I reimagine happening again I have felt it’s pull lessen of late and am quite grateful for the reprieve.
 

eltoro65

Registrant
I don't eroticize my abuse, but definitely when I'm looking at porn or being sexual with someone and there's something that reminds me of the erotic component of the abuse, it get pleasure (again) from it. It's the betrayal by my perpetrator that damaged me, not my interest sexually in what was going on. The sex was not dirty or disgusting, the abuse was.
 

RobbieJoe

Registrant
No longer embarrassed to admit, or say.

For years, as a child, I was plagued by the same recurring dreams. Always accompanied by some violent act.

Beyond pubescence, I blocked out the violence, often awaking in the middle of a highly erotic dream, finding myself already engaged in the act, with him. I soon loved (in another sense, craved) his aroused closeness, as I lay, surrendered, in the fetal position. Often enough, I found myself facilitating my body to his dream penetrations, orally, or, otherwise. I would climax when he did.

So yes. I did. Still do. Without shame. I tired of beating myself up for it long ago. It doesn't hurt as much.

It doesn't lessen the crime of his act, either. Just makes me less the victim. For my own peace of mind.
 

RL13000

Registrant
This is my first time seeing this topic. I have always wondered if my experience meant I had some form of depravity for these feelings. It is very reassuring to know others have similar. I too have eroticized my abuse. In fact, I can ONLY reach orgasm (masturbation only as I am celibate otherwise) thinking about my abuser. She was close in age and I found her (then and now) to be very attractive. I do wish I did not think this way. I hate that she is still in my thoughts. Thank you for this topic. I think I’ve healed a little bit today.
 
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