Taboo topic at MS--Eroticizing the abuse--Triggers

AlexBoyd

Registrant
You're welcome @just me and thank you for adding to it. If we can't be open and honest here, there's not much point in being here.
 
Honesty-I beat myself up for an angry beat off to an abuse memory the other night. More than anything though I felt bad that I was hurting the inner boy I’m trying to love, and I’m some way I enjoyed that. Hurting him. I felt ashamed for that.
 

AlexBoyd

Registrant
Honesty-I beat myself up for an angry beat off to an abuse memory the other night. More than anything though I felt bad that I was hurting the inner boy I’m trying to love, and I’m some way I enjoyed that. Hurting him. I felt ashamed for that.
The important thing is that you are trying to process it instead of simply get stuck and paralyzed by guilt.
 

just me

Registrant
You're welcome @just me and thank you for adding to it. If we can't be open and honest here, there's not much point in being here.
I understand your message but would add: it takes time, maybe a lot of time so for those on the side lines, who may not even be sure yet what 'honest' looks like or feels like (it can be very scary to let one self go there) take your time, read, reread posts, whatever you're comfortable with at this point.... 'Honest' will come at the right time when you are ready..... Best wishes, healthy healing... One foot in front of the other....
 
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AlexBoyd

Registrant
I understand your message but would add: it takes time, maybe a lot of time so for those on the side lines, who may not even be sure yet what 'honest' looks like or feels like (it can be very scary to let one self go there) take your time, read, reread posts, whatever your comfortable with at this point.... 'Honest' will come at the right time when you are ready..... Best wishes, healthy healing... One foot in front of the other....
No, I did not mean to imply that anyone should force himself to think or share a certain way in the name of honesty. To clarify, I simply meant that I hope this thread can serve as a judge-free zone to discuss an aspect of our abuse that many of us feel obligated (for whatever reason) to keep secret and guarded.
 
AlexBoyd is right. I have no judgement for anyone in this. My fantasy life in the past has been very disturbing to me. I’m so relieved that others have had similar experiences. It’s a weight off of me to know that it’s not just me. I wish I had known this 25 or (35) years ago. That I wasn’t the sick perverted kid I thought I was. I had already made some peace with that, and I just picked up this thread a couple of days ago. I have got to go back and re-evaluate how I thought about myself while I was growing up, especially as a teenager. I made some wrong assumptions. I was really mean and judgmental to that kid. That did nothing to help his self worth.
 
It’s a weight off of me to know that it’s not just me. I wish I had known this 25 or (35) years ago. That I wasn’t the sick perverted kid I thought I was.
I think a lot of us struggle with this I know I do and wish I had sought help sooner. I still have this voice in my head that says I am a sick freak even though my T and others here tell me I am not. I wonder if this was not the foundation of criticism of myself for so many things. It has aged me or at least I feel it has. Since I have really started addressing this stuff I have never felt so drained so tired so wanting to fade away.
 
Years ago the words blurted out when I was sitting with a spiritual teacher... When it's easy, it's easy... when it's not, it's not. The teacher, a guru wanna be, wasn't particularly happy because he believed he was offering guidance that would make it easy. The words come to mind as I read this profound thread. We come to understand what we need most often well before we can mobilize resources to insure we get what we need. Another spiritual teacher whom I met used the line... Old friends come to visit. That seems apropos as well. The means we've used, often for decades, to escape the horror we carry inside, can be remarkably shaming and even physically painful. I know I want to stop running away, stop perpetuating shame... when at times that is all I can do.

Deep respect Alex... when you say this is judge-free zone. This is what we all need ALL THE TIME, since it is so easy to become our own worst enemy. Sexual trauma is incredibly destabilizing and few of us were able to seek care when the trauma was happening. We've needed to hide it even at times from ourselves. NOW we're unpacking it and the feelings evoked can be themselves fragmenting. And so we keep coming back here for support... we tell the truth because that is the only way to find healing. What a privilege to be part of this brotherhood.
 
To clarify, I simply meant that I hope this thread can serve as a judge-free zone to discuss an aspect of our abuse that many of us feel obligated (for whatever reason) to keep secret and guarded.
EXACTLY - I agree, Alex!
 

just me

Registrant
No, I did not mean to imply that anyone should force himself to think or share a certain way in the name of honesty. To clarify, I simply meant that I hope this thread can serve as a judge-free zone to discuss an aspect of our abuse that many of us feel obligated (for whatever reason) to keep secret and guarded.
Thank you for the clarification, I understood what you meant, and judge-free is the only way we may be able to let it out. I was only adding that some of us may know when we're being honest, some may not know what honest is yet(even with ourselves), some may think we are being honest... But with no fault of our own, we may not be ready... It can take time, maybe a lot, to wrap one's head clearly around the deep truth that we guard, maybe even from ourselves.
 

Seagull

Registrant
Reading this thread has been very emotional for me.Thank you all for sharing your stories. I have experienced these feelings as well ,and they have caused me a lot of confusion and guilt. I just could not understand how or why those thoughts and images were coming back in an erotic way. It left me feeling dirty and ashamed . And then all the doubts and questions of if I was somehow to blame came back as well.
I think this caused a lot of my reluctance to tell my story. Thank you for this thread Alex.
 

Cruzzah

Registrant
You're not alone in doing so. I have eroticized the abuse and entertained fantasies around it in the past. It adds a whole other layer to the already overwhelming feelings of shame, confusion and overall feeling of dirtiness.
I have had similar fantasies. I also went thru a period of hypersexuality. Having been pretty conservative and relationship oriented regarding sex for most of my life this was quite troubling to me. Thru research and an empathetic councilor I discovered that this reaction is not that uncommon. I think it has to do with taking control. Even in a passive role, that fact that we are choosing to engage in the activity - fantasy reinforces our power/sexuality/masculinity.
 

davids1

Registrant
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I just found this thread yesterday. I thought I was the only one who had these fantasies about doing my abuser. I didn't have them for years and then I became addicted to Meth and it all came out, Man/boy sexual fantasies. Once I got clean I thought I would never have "good" sex again. I was in a relationship with another survivor of CSA. I never told him about these issues and never acted them out with him, except when I masturbated alone. Then I would be overwhelmed with shame, guilt and remorse after the orgasm. After we broke up, it became the only way I could get an erection and have an orgasm. I started reading porn along those lines with me being in the role of a boy being seduced by my uncle, a man, or my dad. I finally did a 4th step sexual inventory and read it to my sponsor which prompted me to get back into therapy with a really good therapist I trusted. I have been totally honest with him about this desire to be a boy sexually, yet not wanting that either. I don't even want to start another relationship because I feel so broken and destroyed emotionally and spiritually by the abuse. At least I have chance to heal now. I have been working on this crap for years and I'm still not done with it. I guess I'm a work in progress. I'm better than I was yesterday but not as good as I will be tomorrow. I'm so very grateful my therapist told me about this site. Thank you for letting me unburden myself. Maybe there is hope after all. The most important thing I found her is that I'm not alone and I feel sort of safe.
 
Appreciate your contribution Davids... keep up the good work. Yes it can feel like a lifetime but then we've been carrying the residue of that trauma for a very long time. It isn't easy to release the hold those memories have on us. They are carried deep within our bodies and brains. Take exquisite care of yourself.
 

Cruzzah

Registrant
--Triggers--

There--I admit it--I sometimes eroticize my abuse.

I have been very hesitant to start a thread about this topic, in large part because it is embarrassing and I fear being judged about it. For me, it is one of the most haunting effects of the abuse. It makes me feel like I must be a pervert to be aroused by memories of what happened. I can think rationally about this problem and realize that fantasizing and masturbating about the abuse runs counter to my recovery; however, it is not a rational thing. It makes me feel so, so alone and, at times, like I don't belong here at MS.

It feels like a forbidden topic here, but it is a real struggle and source of angst for me.

Thanks for listening. I needed to get it off my chest.
Sorry for your struggle. I'm sure what you're dealing with is not that uncommon among this group. I don't know that it's getting in the way of your healing but rather an indication of how far along you are. Shame, guilt, and self recrimination are all common symptoms among us, and a result of trauma. We have to learn to treat ourselves better than we were treated by those who supposedly loved us. I think this is far more significant than sexual fantasies about our abusers. Hope this helps in some way.
 

AlexBoyd

Registrant
@Cruzzah thanks for the support and kind words.
 

Dunc6932

Registrant
I think about the helplessness I felt at times with my abuser. I am so deeply ashamed of thinking about those moments, I can’t even describe in words. I have thought about them all of my adult life, and am seeing others going through the same thing. For years and years (decades) I have replaced the thoughts and visions of my abuser putting me in a completely helpless place, with women putting me in a helpless state. (Tying me up and making me pleasure them. All of it is so I don’t see the face of my abuser, or any parts of his body.) Other times, I see everything of those moments with him vividly. I look at porn to reinforce the image or thought of women controlling men. Even look at stuff that would be of the age my abuser would be around now 60’s. Fantasy art as well, or even fantasy stories that depict my helplessness. This has become something I felt I needed gone from my thought processes. Why is it so important to feel helpless to a woman to replace the pain in my mid teens? I am realizing the shame I’ve carried for nearly 37 or so years. I’ve told my wife. I wonder if what some have spoken here about, when referring to telling someone who has never experienced abuse (can they really understand how it affects your mind and thought processes?) She is supportive, but her face says “does she really understand?” I don’t even know if this makes any sense.
 
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