Taboo topic at MS--Eroticizing the abuse--Triggers

Reenacting the Abuse ***TRIGGERS***

“Many adult survivors of CSA engage in what we call traumatic reenactments. It is in part a way of trying to gain mastery over events of powerlessness. It is an internalizing of the offender and a way of punishing the self for getting abused. It is also used as a way to quiet down high anxiety and agitation. These episodes can be severe and anxiety provoking”. - Suffering and the Heart of God: Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores

Over and over again, I have gone back to what happened when I was eight. Thousands of times I have imagined myself on my knees performing oral sex on a man. I imagine myself submissive to another man. Sometimes in my fantasy they appreciate it and shower affection on me and for a moment I feel loved. Other times they hurl abuse and scorn on me. I yield any belief of worth and give myself over to that which feels so true....I am worthless and less than.

I go there when I am agitated. I go there when I feel out of control. I go there when I feel inadequate. Each time my agitation, my struggles seem to cease for a moment. And then the guilt and shame rush in.

God help me. My fantasies are a cruel master. They have been my cruel companion. Always delivering what I ask of them (for just a moment) but always demanding so much in return. They keep me in bondage - never fulfilling the promise to resolve what happened when I was eight. Never filling the promise to once and for all make me feel loved or worthless - I will settle for either. I just want clarity. I want the struggle to be over. How can there be freedom from slavery? It is for freedom that Christ set me free. But in the darkness, freedom is inconceivable.
 
I came to understand that the abused child that was me was still wants acceptance and love rather than abuse, and I learned to take care of my wounded self, and accept his eroticized feelings as just wanting love and acceptance, which is really what everyone needs. I also came to peace in knowing that God sees me as perfect and unblemished in all this, that I am not the disgusting, horrible guy I used to see. So I pray you can also understand how to take care of that wounded little guy who suffered the abuse, and give him the love and attention that he should have gotten rather than sexual attention.
 
Beautifully said Jeff!
 

iceman67

Registrant
I came to understand that the abused child that was me was still wants acceptance and love rather than abuse, and I learned to take care of my wounded self, and accept his eroticized feelings as just wanting love and acceptance, which is really what everyone needs. I also came to peace in knowing that God sees me as perfect and unblemished in all this, that I am not the disgusting, horrible guy I used to see. So I pray you can also understand how to take care of that wounded little guy who suffered the abuse, and give him the love and attention that he should have gotten rather than sexual attention.
Thank you, Jeff, well said.

Perhaps, it is time I do the same to my little abused boy inside of me. I call him Little Gianni (LG). LG wanted so much to be loved and cared for but it all went away at 8yo and replaced with anger and shame, which are the only two emotions he knows.

LG also thinks God is repulsed by looking at him and that he is less than a human being, not a male and worthless. I guess I cannot keep ignoring his cries for help.

Thank you to all who responded. I never knew what to do with those fantasies and would never have said anything to anyone about them but it feels okay here... like not being judged, looked upon like a freak or pervert. You guys are amazing.

G
 
I am in T now. Been here for a few years for support but I still hate myself for using memories, my bodies respond to things in in T session. I know I am not alone but I hate myself.
 

Reflecting

Registrant
I hope it's alright if I bump this topic, I've lately been examining my childhood abuse & adult assault, and how it's affected my sexuality as a result. I feel some reassurance that I'm not the only one who's been experiencing these feelings.

I've often thought about my childhood & adult abuse, whilst masturbating or occasionally whilst being intimate with a partner. Whilst I've asked my partners to do a few things in the bedroom, that may or may not be related to my abuse/assault (I've mentioned these in another thread I created elsewhere), that's not all I've done. I've had strong urges at certain times in my life, sometimes during stressful life situations, sometimes when things are going well, to try & recreate my assault, with me being in "command". Occasionally these desires involve a partner that I'm seeing romantically at the time, but most of these urges involve a relative stranger or escort.

I'm aware of the extremely vulnerable and dangerous position I'd be putting myself in, if I did act on these urges. Intellectually, I know that it'd probably end up with me being re-traumatised or being badly physically hurt at worst, at the very best, it'd perhaps be a hollow satisfaction if everything went "smoothly". Emotionally though, I still have some curiosity & desire, mixed with shame, whenever I contemplate "going through it again". These urges have started to increase again over the past few months...maybe it's part of the healing process? Maybe there's more hidden/fuzzy details still to unpack? Maybe I'm trying to resolve an particular emotional need with these urges?

One aspect of my adult assault could perhaps be a reason why I'm experiencing these feelings.



************** Strong Trigger Warnings Below!*****************








I was drunk and drugged during my assault as an 18 yr old, so some memories are a bit hazy at times. At one point, my perpetrator was stroking me with one hand and holding me down firmly on the bed with his other arm, whilst complementing my body. I tried to resist but couldn't move properly, and eventually had an orgasm. My orgasm was very strong, both emotionally & physically: I remember feeling greatly surprised & exhilarated, before confusion and disgust at having such an unusual reaction. My perpetrator commented on how much I enjoyed it, which further confused & disgusted me.


The final time my perpetrator assaulted me, we were in the shower: he was penetrating me and stroking me at the same time. Despite being in pain, I was still aroused. Eventually I had another intense orgasm, which was very obvious, as my legs nearly gave out. I felt another rush of exhilaration and surprise. This was immediately followed by shame and guilt again. Again, my perpetrator commented on how good I felt and how much I enjoyed it.


***************** End Triggers ******************************











Arousal or orgasms do not equate consent, nor do they mean that I encouraged my perp to do what they did to me. On the other hand, I had very strong mental & physical reactions, despite all the pain & shame I was feeling at the same time. I've only had a handful of intense orgasms (speaking both emotionally & physically) with partners in my adult life, and two are from my assault. Perhaps I'm trying to experience those feelings again by eroticising my abuse?
 
I hope it's alright if I bump this topic,
It is a very common occurrence (aka "CSA-Normal") so it definitely deserves a "bump"!

I discuss my own "Eroticizing the abuse" issues on this thread.
 
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Sunrise22

Registrant
Thank you original Alex. This week in chat someone said I might glamorize my abuse. I think I actually romanticize it tbh. But I think there is the aspect you bring up too. Its very confusing to me. But thanks for brining this up.
 
Wow--what a post Chase Eric. Thank you.
That is very simply and well put. And OF COURSE our bodies and minds were sexualized at the point of the abuse. It’s okay! It is how our bodies work. The body has its own way of remembering trauma which is not under conscious control. After I understood and accepted this, I felt much better. The results of how the experience effect me are harder to accept, but there it is. We are complex beings.
 

Jhollin

Registrant
I guess this is the best place as any. I often fantasized over my abuse over the past 20+ years. It was not as violent as many of you others but more of a secret I had to keep and tasks I had to perform for my "friend" out of fear that he would tell everyone and my life would be ruined. For years I have fantasized over that. At 25 it lead me to recreating the trauma that lead to being physically hurt for about 7 months and emotionally damaged for almost a year and a half. Sending me into a deeper depression of drinking 15-20 beers a night and to cope sitting with people at a bar was shot after shot. Since coming here I have actively done a few things to make sure I do not revisit that dark hole.

One was stop drinking on the weekends which is where I was at. 2 weeks sober now.

The other was stop the porno. That wasn't as hard I have quit before for extended periods.

The next that I have never realized was how the masturbation was never enough. Without porno it didn't satisfy the itch. I could keep going again later on and once again not satisfied. Until it drove me to that porno. The ladies in porno would satisfy at first but eventually I had to find something similar to my abuse to really scratch that itch. Before I knew it I felt ashamed and I would go and buy a case of beer and start drinking till I could sleep/pass out.

THIS time I did something different. I fought the urge. For 7 days total that first week I did not masturbate at all. Was hard but I made it through it. Then I thought about how do I reprogram this to not revisit that hole but still be able to have natural moments. Thinking about this I had a George Costanza moment. The issue is what I am visualizing when I am enjoying a moment. So the next moment when I decided to indulge I changed from the dual visual stimulation and tactile to single tactile sensation. Removing the visualization removes the external force making me act out a physical transaction for the sake of its association to the visual thought process robbing me of any satisfaction just left with the same old thoughts and memories. It took a little bit longer but I thought of nothing but a white wall. Since then I have indulged a few more times with days in between. Every time actively working to think of a white wall and not of a visual stimulus. I found doing that I am not dominated by false expectations. I do not leave there thinking "why am I unsatisfied?" or "what is wrong with me" or even feeling ashamed. Just a physical transaction took place and there was no deal with the devil for my soul.

Only down side I can think of this is what happens if the view of a white wall starts turning me on....
 
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This is something I am still working on i guess accepting really. My T and I have discussed this numerous times and discussed it some on my last session. I know for me I judge myself based on what I think others “society“ would think of me. I know i am not alone in the fantasy or memories causing an arousal response or even using them in pleasuring myself. My T as others here have not judged me as a bad person. She pointed out that what I think others would think of me who don’t know or understand this type of trauma is not something I need to beat myself up over.

She has been explaining to me how survivors or anyone especially kids who are in stressful, abusive or conflicting situations develop coping skills. For me masturbation I guess is what I turned to as a kid and has stuck with me. It has been my escape from stresses and to feel something better than just depression. She is trying to make me not feel ashamed of it. It is what I use. Some people drink, do drugs, turn to al, types of things but it was to survive. My abuse was not near as bad as others here but I guess it’s all n the persons perspective.

it is not easy for me not to judge or criticize myself based on what I think others would think of me. But my whole life seems to be me doing that and now trying to change. It’s is odd for me to have my T or others here being supportive and telling me I am not a bad person for things like fantasy or masturbating.
 

AlexBoyd

Registrant
I'm glad to see that this thread is still serving its purpose---a safe, open place to discuss very real, complicated ways the abuse influences our thoughts and behaviors. Many thanks to all of you for your heartfelt, honest contributions to the discussion.
 
I can definitely relate to this and I spent years eroticizing my abuse, and even re-enacting parts of it. It was a powerful turn on for me, but almost always accompanied by shame and self-loathing. Even in a relationship with a healthy sex life I would find myself seeking this out in masturbation. (Nothing wrong with masturbation either, I’m pretty fond of it) In the far past I would do also do that in sex, seeking out acts and positions that replicated some aspect of my abuse and replaying the abuse during sex. Recently I have found I am replacing those thoughts during masturbation with more appropriate adult fantasies. I’m Not sure where that came from. I think I’ve began to view my fantasy life as re-abusing my child self. It hurts me to hurt that child part of me. What I was doing was becoming painful to me. It still comes up sometimes Occasionally but I just acknowledge it and head back to adult fantasy mode. I know that something I’ve been doing for 40 years isn’t going to stop overnight. I think for myself it was/is an attempt to gain control of my abuse, to reprocess it. I don’t think there is any right answer, what was done to us wasn’t normal and it follows that there are after effects in our sexual selves.
 
That is a profound realization Morgan... that our acting out behavior really perpetuates the trauma and the child we still carry inside remains uncared for. Healing ultimately involves learning how to care for the frightened, shamed child inside. Clearly that is what you're doing... and yes, it isn't like turning a switch... it is a process unfolding. We're doing the hard work... with support of fellow survivors.
 

Eph320NY

Registrant
Morgan, I think my online activities in the adult chat room could be a re-enactment of my abuse. I felt powerless when it happened.
My abuse messed up my sense of boundaries in that it is hard to say no to things and I was thinking about I was doing all kinds of things, things I never thought I would do, in the role plays in those chat rooms just to please others.
 
Morgan, I think my online activities in the adult chat room could be a re-enactment of my abuse. I felt powerless when it happened.
My abuse messed up my sense of boundaries in that it is hard to say no to things and I was thinking about I was doing all kinds of things, things I never thought I would do, in the role plays in those chat rooms just to please others.
I’m still very much struggling with mine, humility is the sleepless night I had last night with all this fresh in my head, and aching with desire fueled by those thoughts, and my 10 year old Selfs fantasy that my sisters Then 17 year old boyfriend would “do stuff to me” even though at the time I didn’t even understand sex (he never did, but I wanted him to when I was 10). (((Hugs)))
 

uvbnwrnd

Registrant
I have fantasized about a babysitter I was molested by as a child. Bums me out. But I realize why and am quick not to stay bummed for too long. How pretty can a lady be who fools around with kids. Not too.
 

wvsurvivor

Registrant
I do this every time I get myself off. When I have sex with men I am not happy unless I get to relive the beatings I took before sex growing up. Yup guilty as charged.
 

just me

Registrant
Wow, this thread!
Me too!
So many threads here hint to this: the shame, self blame, reenactment... This just puts it out there; the unvarnished raw truth of it all. When I joined MS so many years ago I think I would have been in denial of some of these now obvious truths!

Eroticizing the abuse, check!

Shame about it, check! (shame not from the abuse itself but the erotic pleasure in thinking about it and reenacting it)

Masturbating to the memory of it, check! (wow did I just admit that)

Hoping my wife would do 'that' the same way... Check! (and guilt for thinking of the abuser here)

Becoming aroused when writing or taking about the abuse, check! [(Raw honesty in parentheses here- deleted)]

OH boy the wet spot the first time I spoke a therapist about it, check! (I was sure that made me a perv)

So much truth and honesty on this thread--thank you AlexBoyd et. al.

(and like everyone else, wow Chase Eric what a post)
 
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