Reenacting the Abuse ***TRIGGERS***
“Many adult survivors of CSA engage in what we call traumatic reenactments. It is in part a way of trying to gain mastery over events of powerlessness. It is an internalizing of the offender and a way of punishing the self for getting abused. It is also used as a way to quiet down high anxiety and agitation. These episodes can be severe and anxiety provoking”. - Suffering and the Heart of God: Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores
Over and over again, I have gone back to what happened when I was eight. Thousands of times I have imagined myself on my knees performing oral sex on a man. I imagine myself submissive to another man. Sometimes in my fantasy they appreciate it and shower affection on me and for a moment I feel loved. Other times they hurl abuse and scorn on me. I yield any belief of worth and give myself over to that which feels so true....I am worthless and less than.
I go there when I am agitated. I go there when I feel out of control. I go there when I feel inadequate. Each time my agitation, my struggles seem to cease for a moment. And then the guilt and shame rush in.
God help me. My fantasies are a cruel master. They have been my cruel companion. Always delivering what I ask of them (for just a moment) but always demanding so much in return. They keep me in bondage - never fulfilling the promise to resolve what happened when I was eight. Never filling the promise to once and for all make me feel loved or worthless - I will settle for either. I just want clarity. I want the struggle to be over. How can there be freedom from slavery? It is for freedom that Christ set me free. But in the darkness, freedom is inconceivable.