Taboo topic at MS--Eroticizing the abuse--Triggers

Taboo topic at MS--Eroticizing the abuse--Triggers
I just wanted to stop here a moment and reflect back on the significance of what has been shared in this thread. Sex abuse is a very special category of abuse. If we get sucker-punched in the gut, we double over in pain. If we get hit in the face, it hurts. If we get stabbed or shot, we are fighting for our lives. In almost all those cases, there is no confusion between what happens to us and how we are reacting. It all makes sense.

But rape and sex abuse are fundamentally different from those other abuses. The reactions we have make little sense to what we think we should be feeling. The title of this thread is Eroticizing the abuse. That road starts with the unwanted touch that first elicits a response you can't understand - and when you do, you can't forgive yourself for. The penetration that you say "no" to but realize your body is saying "yes" despite yourself - and the tragic split from yourself that lasts a lifetime. It may have felt okay at the time - maybe even good. But frankly it might as well have been rat poison shoved into us, slowly killing our souls from within. The sexual acts sow the seeds of immediate confusion. And they germinate through the years, growing into weeds of self-doubt and self-hatred. They grow so big they choke out the dreams and plans of who we would otherwise become - the freer spirits we were meant to be without the heavy sack of secrets that takes all our energy to carry without spilling. But the weeds keep growing. The sudden drop in grades. The avoidance of touch from those who do love us. The inability to trust ourselves. The failed marriages. The anger issues. The inability to hold a steady job. A punch in the gut doesn't do that no matter how hard it is thrown. A gut punch never bleeds into our lives very far beyond its moment. It does not sow those seeds and grow those weeds. Sex abuse does.

This topic is precisely why it took me years to finally look at what happened to me as a child - and no doubt that is true for many of you as well. We might have liked it at face value. And maybe at some point we went to our abusers and asked for it again (I did). And when we grew up, our hopes that it was a phase we'd grow out of were never realized. We could not unlearn what we were taught, as fervently as we tried. So we blame ourselves for being too weak, too complicit, too damaged, too weird. We pack it all up in a secret box, throw it on a shelf, and pretend it's not there. We even hope it goes away through sheer neglect. Until one day when the marriage breaks down. The porn is discovered. The secret affair is revealed. The boss fires you. The drinking kills your health. And suddenly those secrets you thought you buried since you were a towheaded blonde come spilling out when your hair is gray.

And that's the moment many of us finally face it.

So this is an important thread. Maybe someone will read it and for the first time in their lives realize they are not alone. They are not freaks. They are not guilty of anything. They have not minimized by a single speck of sand the magnitude of the crime against them as kids just because they never let go what it taught them to enjoy. The eroticization is how they grew around what they could not stop. And in so doing, each of them is acting precisely like a sex abuse survivor.

This is an important thread. Because someone will read this through tired, older eyes - eyes that will suddenly open for the first time. They'll recognize themselves in us. They might even say, "My God... me, too!" There are over three thousand views on this thread. So someone will. Maybe it's even YOU.

And that's when the journey to healing begins.

I know this an old thread, but this post is so poignantly written! Thank you, @Chase Eric !

I would love to see this thread stickied (I think that's the word?) to the front page. I can't tell you how much it means to not feel completely alone in this.

Actually, you all probably know exactly how much it means :/
 
@Chase Eric @A Skeptical Optimist

I have felt so alone and so "other" for so long. This forum has allowed me to see into the lives of other survivors and realize I am not the only one. This post absolutely stunned me. It pierced the veil which has separated me - from others and from myself. Thanks for giving voice to my regrets, fears, and confusion. Knowledge is such an important first step in healing. It isn't everything, but it is a step.
 
I struggle with this and seeing I am not alone helps however I judge myself harder. fina started seeing a T a few moths ago and had admitted how I feel guilt, shame and hate myself for doing that and my bodies physical respond to things. She has told me we need to work when I am ready on learning to accept that my erotic mind was imprinted at an ear,y age from abuse. That I need to learn to not feel the shame or guilt or blame myself. I struggle with that idea as I just think how society would see me as screwed up not “normal”.

my life has been one of self judgement. One day I hope to be ok with myself.
 
One of the most eye-opening threads I've seen here since first being "saved" by MS over ten years ago. Thank you everyone for your insights. I don't have much more to add at this late hour that to quickly say I can relate to the eroticizing of the abuse, have always found it a paradox, still feel ashamed of this reaction, get angry when I think about it, it really is an endless cycle that adds to the "complicit-ness" of being abused as a teen. I also feel that its a way for the mind/body to cope with the abuse in a twisted form pretzel logic that makes little sense and doesn't seem to end.
 
There was an underlying question I had always hoped therapy could answer; why did a little boy masturbate to the thought of his father being cruelly beaten? Why did the thought of him being humiliated and shamed excite a little 6 or 7 year old?

I can finally post this, because it's not my shame, it's not me. It belongs to someone else. Who or how, I don’t know. It’s more of an infection, then an expression of my core.

I will keep looking and growing. Hopefully even if I don’t find the answer, I will find peace.
 
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I hope to reach that place of peace in my mind of not blaming myself but placing the blame to those it belongs to. Rationally it’s like I know I should but it’s like I can’t.
 
I hope to reach that place of peace in my mind of not blaming myself but placing the blame to those it belongs to. Rationally it’s like I know I should but it’s like I can’t.
@smc1972 What is really jacked is that there are 4 people i could blame: the devil, the perp, God and me. i put all the blame on me and God. how messed up is that?!?! sigh....
 
@smc1972 What is really jacked is that there are 4 people i could blame: the devil, the perp, God and me. i put all the blame on me and God. how messed up is that?!?! sigh....
Greg, I am on the same page as you. I feel exactly the same.

G
 
It's been almost a year and a half since I started this thread, and I want to thank all of you for contributing to the discussion. I am glad that others have found some comfort in knowing you are not alone. I certainly have.
 
I've been away so I never saw your thread … it's intriguing.
This is a great topic and one that I have discussed privately with many guys here as well as in a live group
and of course with shrinks and Ts.
If you're a pervert you have a lot of company … myself included.

We're not perverts.

There's way too many contributions here for me to go through them all so I'll just add my thoughts to the list.

My entire life I have had the image of a face floating in my head … the face of a man.
Wavy blue/black hair, sparkly deep brown eyes, a dark bluish 5 o'clock shadow and a very deep cleft in his chin.
The image is dim … ethereal.
It happened in his car and it must have been dark-ish inside. Shadowy.

That's Harvey … my first perp.
I have a picture of him taken about the time he had access to me.
1957
There is absolutely no doubt that it's him.
He has kept me company for 62 years.

I was only 3/4 and I don't really remember what he did to me.
I do remember 'sensations'. (smell, touch, etc)
I remember that face!
My shrink suggested that if it were more than one time … it was the first time that his face was imprinted on my mind.

It was his face that I searched for in the bars, in the nightclubs, in the bath houses … on the street ...
anywhere where there was a man to pick up.

That face … more than anything … is what made me feel sexual.
I never fantasized about it or masturbated to that image … it wasn't like that.
I wanted the real thing.
In the 30 odd years that I trolled for men I never found an exact him.
A few came close … but the parameters are pretty limited.
Individual features on a man are arousing … but it's the chin that dominates.
Any man with a chin like that turns me on … big time.

So ... I'm sexually attracted to my first perp.
 
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What is really jacked is that there are 4 people i could blame: the devil, the perp, God and me. i put all the blame on me and God. how messed up is that?!?! sigh....
I understand. I have blamed God yet also begged a God to forgive me for being messed up. I feel I am lucky in that my T I have started seeing and admitted some of these struggles to has not judged me and has told me it’s not my fault and I am a good person. I am my worst judge as I tell myself I am screwed cause of this. Yet for everyone else here I can feel compassion for the struggle yet I can’t do that for myself.
 
Reenacting the Abuse ***TRIGGERS***

“Many adult survivors of CSA engage in what we call traumatic reenactments. It is in part a way of trying to gain mastery over events of powerlessness. It is an internalizing of the offender and a way of punishing the self for getting abused. It is also used as a way to quiet down high anxiety and agitation. These episodes can be severe and anxiety provoking”. - Suffering and the Heart of God: Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores

Over and over again, I have gone back to what happened when I was eight. Thousands of times I have imagined myself on my knees performing oral sex on a man. I imagine myself submissive to another man. Sometimes in my fantasy they appreciate it and shower affection on me and for a moment I feel loved. Other times they hurl abuse and scorn on me. I yield any belief of worth and give myself over to that which feels so true....I am worthless and less than.

I go there when I am agitated. I go there when I feel out of control. I go there when I feel inadequate. Each time my agitation, my struggles seem to cease for a moment. And then the guilt and shame rush in.

God help me. My fantasies are a cruel master. They have been my cruel companion. Always delivering what I ask of them (for just a moment) but always demanding so much in return. They keep me in bondage - never fulfilling the promise to resolve what happened when I was eight. Never filling the promise to once and for all make me feel loved or worthless - I will settle for either. I just want clarity. I want the struggle to be over. How can there be freedom from slavery? It is for freedom that Christ set me free. But in the darkness, freedom is inconceivable.
 
--Triggers--

There--I admit it--I sometimes eroticize my abuse.

Alex, I know exactly what you mean. I sometimes had / have the same strange fantasies. My abuser was my mother, and when she did it, she was so close to me, I had her for myself, there were no other people around and I got her full attention which wasn't always the case (when she was with friends she would sometimes even forget that I exist).
 
Reenacting the Abuse ***TRIGGERS***

“Many adult survivors of CSA engage in what we call traumatic reenactments. It is in part a way of trying to gain mastery over events of powerlessness. It is an internalizing of the offender and a way of punishing the self for getting abused. It is also used as a way to quiet down high anxiety and agitation. These episodes can be severe and anxiety provoking”. - Suffering and the Heart of God: Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores

Over and over again, I have gone back to what happened when I was eight. Thousands of times I have imagined myself on my knees performing oral sex on a man. I imagine myself submissive to another man. Sometimes in my fantasy they appreciate it and shower affection on me and for a moment I feel loved. Other times they hurl abuse and scorn on me. I yield any belief of worth and give myself over to that which feels so true....I am worthless and less than.

I go there when I am agitated. I go there when I feel out of control. I go there when I feel inadequate. Each time my agitation, my struggles seem to cease for a moment. And then the guilt and shame rush in.

God help me. My fantasies are a cruel master. They have been my cruel companion. Always delivering what I ask of them (for just a moment) but always demanding so much in return. They keep me in bondage - never fulfilling the promise to resolve what happened when I was eight. Never filling the promise to once and for all make me feel loved or worthless - I will settle for either. I just want clarity. I want the struggle to be over. How can there be freedom from slavery? It is for freedom that Christ set me free. But in the darkness, freedom is inconceivable.
I am sorry to read this, Greg.

Tbh, I thought I was the only guy who felt this way (I may have written this somewhere else on this forum) and I now understand that it was normal as I try to remove the shame and embarrassment and take control of my life and not live in bondage of my past. It still hurts, tho.

I completely understand what you wrote and my heart breaks that you are suffering so much. There are some great guys on this forum that provide sound advise... they have helped me a bit but I am light years away from being healed. I hope you can move forward from the nightmare. You deserve to be happy, my dear friend.

G
 
I am sorry to read this, Greg.

Tbh, I thought I was the only guy who felt this way (I may have written this somewhere else on this forum) and I now understand that it was normal as I try to remove the shame and embarrassment and take control of my life and not live in bondage of my past. It still hurts, tho.

I completely understand what you wrote and my heart breaks that you are suffering so much. There are some great guys on this forum that provide sound advise... they have helped me a bit but I am light years away from being healed. I hope you can move forward from the nightmare. You deserve to be happy, my dear friend.

G
@iceman67 thank you for the kind words. This forum has helped me understand the role that the fantasies have played in my life. I feel less shame about the erroticization and that has removed some of their strength. I am also using the fantasies as a signal that I need to seek restoration instead of relief.
i also realized that in bed late at night or early morning are my hardest times. Realizing that, I am trying to be smarter about replacing the fantasies with prayer and meditation. Anyway it seems like two steps forward one step back most days. I just need to keep moving forward. I wish you strength and peace on your journey.
 
All of this is so true, so meaningful. Once a T told me this “recovery isn’t linear. It zigs and zags, starts and stops. It takes three steps forward and two steps back. It relapses and surges ahead.”
 
@iceman67 thank you for the kind words. This forum has helped me understand the role that the fantasies have played in my life. I feel less shame about the erroticization and that has removed some of their strength. I am also using the fantasies as a signal that I need to seek restoration instead of relief.
i also realized that in bed late at night or early morning are my hardest times. Realizing that, I am trying to be smarter about replacing the fantasies with prayer and meditation. Anyway it seems like two steps forward one step back most days. I just need to keep moving forward. I wish you strength and peace on your journey.
This forum is starting to help me with those erotic images, too. I also have them occur as I go to bed, sometimes in a dream and as soon as I wake up.

One of my triggers is going to the gym and changing In the locker room. I am okay if I am naked in front of lots of other guys but if someone else is naked, I start to have images or fantasies of that male abusing me and it makes my stomach turn.

I refuse to let this take over my life, which it has for 45yrs, and will keep putting myself in those uncomfortable situations (gotta face my fears head on) in hopes one day i will be able to see other males nude in the lockers and not care at all like everyone else.

Oh boy, I thought this journey would be a little easier... wow, I was so wrong.
 
My abuse was only 3 years ago, the images, the triggers, the eroticization of my abuse is something I deal with every day, you guys are not alone.
 
My abuse was only 3 years ago, the images, the triggers, the eroticization of my abuse is something I deal with every day, you guys are not alone.
Yes. Adult sexual abuse survivors go through exactly the same thing. It's long been noted that female rape victims often end up with violent rape fantasies. Adult male survivors are no different.
 
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