Taboo topic at MS--Eroticizing the abuse--Triggers

[Luckylarry1]

Thanks for the share John.
I too have had many fantasies about the military officer who raped me numerous times while aboard an aircraft carrier in Vietnam. My then 19 yr old guilt, shame and embarrassment made me very vulnerable, and once I climaxed while being penetrated I had convinced myself (very naively) that I must have been gay all along and had done something to encourage the rape.
I did not like it nor did I want it to happen, but that was how I justified it in my youthful mind.
50 yrs later, on my third marriage and yet sexually confused I struggle to get myself balanced. Hell, I've since had bisexual moments and have not been ashamed about that, it is the fantasy that permeates my thinking that troubles me.

 

[Luckylarry1]

Very brave of you Alex. At 70 yrs old I have fought the demons of rape for 50 yrs. now. I have acted out inappropriately, taken advantage of women to prove my maleness, tried to square myself with being bisexual, and yet return to masturbating while having flashbacks of climaxing while he was inside of me.
I just don't understand it.

 

[AlexBoyd]

Although I was uneasy about starting this thread, I am glad to see it continues to be used and expanded. We can only benefit from opening up to each other on this site. Many thanks to all of you who contribute here.

 

[C. E.]

Well you are definitely not alone. I cannot put it to words. I suppose am the silent voice of many in the crowd. Braver people - like you - have. To you all, I am grateful.

 

[Luckylarry1]

Andy, I'm rather new here, and way naïve of the disclosure between males re: our past experiences. However, this old man's trek through some much delayed healing has lead me to this site, as well as other treatments.
I too have a most difficult time in squaring my fantasy times with sensuality with my wife....oh and that sneaky tricky climax and the arousal that I had had while being raped by a superior officer in the military.

 

[JamesHere]

I find that when I have sex or masturbate, I keep flashing back to my abuse, I have no idea why my orgasms can be so powerful when I re create the abuse in my head and I often find that when I am with a sex partner I encourage them to di similar things to my body that my abuser did. I just find it is so weird that this keeps happening to me. Its like my cock is like betraying me, telling me that I did really enjoy al that torture and abuse, its very upsetting.

 

[Luckylarry1]

OMG James, I am no one to guide you in your journey of understanding. However, if I might take a minute to tell a bit of my past, perhaps U may see a familiar theme.

After the flight officer cornered my one night as I prepared a chopper for a morning flight. The time ended with me orally receiving him and I was freaked out! I was confused, scared, bewildered, and hated it...however, knowing not what to do I choose silence, as if it just didn't happen. WHAT A FOOLISH MOVE ON MY PART. As I have told U my dad had me masturbate him, but never the oral thing. I wanted everything to go away and go back to me just being a helicopter crewman in Nam.

I evidently couldn't friggin believe it. I objected and threatened to "report" it. What a joke. He educated me that he was a career commissioned officer and that I was a swabby recruit. Telling me that once he reported me as a sexual deviant aboard a ship that I would pay a severe price. The second raped happened. A couple days later I was going nuts and approached the ship's chaplain. He rightly tole me that rape was not a matter of faith, rather a behavioral problem and would have to be reported to my immediate superior. Woe, this dumbass though I was getting somewhere in 1969, in the USNavy. I spoke to my superior about a "buddy" as the chaplain had told me to do.

I was cussed, yelled at, threatened with a dishonorable discharge, told that that shit doesn't happen on a Navy ship, and witnessed my night superior called the brig for the MPs to report to out sonar shop. At 19 yrs. old and against the tradition of the US Navy. Once the MPs arrived my ass was as puckered up as possible and I reported to the MPs that while carrying a sonar control unit from the flight deck to the hanger deck it went overboard (a story my superior told me to say).
Once the MPs left he told me to keep my head down and my mouth shut if I wanted to finish my enlistment.

That simply opened the door to many nights of sexual abuse. Point being once it became "routine" at one time while he was inside of me anally I had a climax. OMG, did that make me "Gay"? Did that mean that I liked being raped? Did that mean that a makes penis turned me on...I WAS 19!

Now my counselor, after three yrs. told me that climaxing during sex is a physiological/mechanical event that can't necessarily be controlled by conscious thought.

Sex with my 3rd wife is problematic, as at my and her age libido becomes a factor for her. Masturbation for me is generally unsatisfying. Porn use to help stimulate me, but not so much anymore. I have begun to have fantasies about having sex with another man, not in a rape situation, but in a mutually agreeable way.

So far I have not sought out a man to assist me with this fantasy. It's as if that fantasy is currently enough to cause sufficient stimulation for me to find some pleasurable release.
Yep that's probably way weird, but what the hell y'all don't know who I am to point and laugh at me for speaking my thoughts.

 

[Luckylarry1]

Enjoying the pressure, stimulation, smell and taste of arousal is pretty much of a standard. The difference in "good and bad" stimulation is that of a welcomed touch or a forced touch.
None-the-less physical stimulation is in fact stimulation.

 

[JamesM]

D

 

[C. E.]

I just wanted to stop here a moment and reflect back on the significance of what has been shared in this thread. Sex abuse is a very special category of abuse. If we get sucker-punched in the gut, we double over in pain. If we get hit in the face, it hurts. If we get stabbed or shot, we are fighting for our lives. In almost all those cases, there is no confusion between what happens to us and how we are reacting. It all makes sense.

But rape and sex abuse are fundamentally different from those other abuses. The reactions we have make little sense to what we think we should be feeling. The title of this thread is Eroticizing the abuse. That road starts with the unwanted touch that first elicits a response you can't understand - and when you do, you can't forgive yourself for. The penetration that you say "no" to but realize your body is saying "yes" despite yourself - and the tragic split from yourself that lasts a lifetime. It may have felt okay at the time - maybe even good. But frankly it might as well have been rat poison shoved into us, slowly killing our souls from within. The sexual acts sow the seeds of immediate confusion. And they germinate through the years, growing into weeds of self-doubt and self-hatred. They grow so big they choke out the dreams and plans of who we would otherwise become - the freer spirits we were meant to be without the heavy sack of secrets that takes all our energy to carry without spilling. But the weeds keep growing. The sudden drop in grades. The avoidance of touch from those who do love us. The inability to trust ourselves. The failed marriages. The anger issues. The inability to hold a steady job. A punch in the gut doesn't do that no matter how hard it is thrown. A gut punch never bleeds into our lives very far beyond its moment. It does not sow those seeds and grow those weeds. Sex abuse does.

This topic is precisely why it took me years to finally look at what happened to me as a child - and no doubt that is true for many of you as well. We might have liked it at face value. And maybe at some point we went to our abusers and asked for it again (I did). And when we grew up, our hopes that it was a phase we'd grow out of were never realized. We could not unlearn what we were taught, as fervently as we tried. So we blame ourselves for being too weak, too complicit, too damaged, too weird. We pack it all up in a secret box, throw it on a shelf, and pretend it's not there. We even hope it goes away through sheer neglect. Until one day when the marriage breaks down. The porn is discovered. The secret affair is revealed. The boss fires you. The drinking kills your health. And suddenly those secrets you thought you buried since you were a towheaded blonde come spilling out when your hair is gray.

And that's the moment many of us finally face it.

So this is an important thread. Maybe someone will read it and for the first time in their lives realize they are not alone. They are not freaks. They are not guilty of anything. They have not minimized by a single speck of sand the magnitude of the crime against them as kids just because they never let go what it taught them to enjoy. The eroticization is how they grew around what they could not stop. And in so doing, each of them is acting precisely like a sex abuse survivor.

This is an important thread. Because someone will read this through tired, older eyes - eyes that will suddenly open for the first time. They'll recognize themselves in us. They might even say, "My God... me, too!" There are over three thousand views on this thread. So someone will. Maybe it's even YOU.

And that's when the journey to healing begins.

 

[AlexBoyd]

Wow, Chase Eric. Yes to virtually everything you wrote.

 

[NoahOkGuy]

Wow its like you read my mind, the confusion I feel and struggle with is like everything thing you said, I always felt that my body betrayed me to my abusers over and over, how could I get hard during a rape? how could I get hard with my body being sexually tortured? Why do I have these massive orgasms when i masturbate to these memories?

 

[Strangeways]

Thank you Chase Eric. That is a fantastic and powerful post.

 

[wearytraveler]

Chase Eric,

Your words are very wise and really appreciate you putting in words what so many feel. I was 23 when I discovered MS- am now 29 - the moment that re-awakened me was noticing some guys on a talk show open up about this and every guy in the room had experienced this. It was re-ran on a station one evening while I was in college and I poured out and looked for resources and found this place. I have seen and talked with guys who have said that it was good you found this place at 23 you can start this journey sooner. I still put things on the shelf, I still try to ignore it sometimes and hope it goes away.

Just very well said. Thank you - for your words.

 

[bbats123]

It is amazing to find that I’m not alone in feeling sexual feelings about my memories. I was really upset for a while bc at therapy after I talked about what I could remember I would find that I had seminal fluid on my penis when I went to the restroom. Felt horrible. How could I have that happen when I’m talking about trauma. I finally broke down and told my therapist and she explained that the sexual feelings during the abuse were physical and couldn’t be stopped particularly if I didn’t know what was happening. Now, the body remembers and it’s not voluntary. She said it’s normal.
The effects of this abuse are so extensive and unexpected in so many ways. Glad to have a place to say this stuff and read about what you all go thru

Thanks for all your bravery in talking about this

 

[Esterio]

Hi bbrats123

Your T is absolutely right. I have been struggling with the same thing for years don't see how I can get aroused to being raped and gang rape and I got aroused at the time which made it worse cause now i was seen as enjoying it. I struggle with that a lot. Believing that it was involuntary is a hard pill to swallow, it is true though I am sure.
Knowing that makes it a bit easier deal with i think but still hard to imagine what gets you aroused. I believe that to be the reason I do not have sex anymore with anyone or by myself even. I panic with the flash back and intrusive thoughts.
Hope that helps you to see you are not alone.

take care
Esterio

 

[jkmtx]

I struggle with the same feelings and don't understand them, your not alone nor am I thanks for being so brave

 

[JayBro]

This is something I struggle with too and find is the most re-traumatizing for me.
I saw this video about our physical responses to abuse and wanted to share it with you all. I know this therapist doesn’t go into much detail about lingering erotic feelings/reactions to memories of the abuse, but it is still relevant to our topic here.

“Sexual abuse and your body’s natural response to sexual stimulation” by YouTube channel Peggy Oliviera, MSW

https://youtu.be/aAcgOpv2OZM

 

[TheBobcatAgain]

I do as well, Alex. Can't for the life of me figure out why, but I do.

 

[Bradley P]

I once took an injured bird to a wildlife rehabilitator. On her porch was a possum that kept walking in endless circles to the right with its head also tilted to the right. I asked about it, and she said that he suffered a head injury and would always be like that. Our heads and bodies always tilt toward the side of our trauma.

That's the way I see this. We were traumatized sexually. Eroticization of our trauma is how our minds tilt toward it. It is a way of sprinkling sugar on a bitter experience, a way for us to find enough palatability to live with experiences and memories we cannot jettison.

The stunning paradox reveals a deeper truth. Eroticization may mask the bitterness with such powerful lies of pleasure that it can make us doubt everything. And yet by its very existence and power, it stands witness to just how deeply traumatic our abuse was.

Wow--what a post Chase Eric. Thank you.