Taboo topic at MS--Eroticizing the abuse--Triggers

Taboo topic at MS--Eroticizing the abuse--Triggers
It feels like a forbidden topic here, but it is a real struggle and source of angst for me
Thank you for bringing up this subject. I think it affecs a lot of people here on MS
 
I am feeling the same way. My T is telling me to forgive and understand that it WAS satisfying for me as a child but that it is in my distant past and that I can’t rip these feelings of pleasure from my mind as they are wired into my brain and a part of my life story now. It is part of the ying and yang of my life. That as an adult I will not engage in these childhood experiences again (that my adult mind knows this is not acceptable behavior and would be damaging to myself and any child) and that I should not have any fear around this.

I also want to add that these were my experiences as a child and I’m sorry and wish to never disrespect the survivors here who have horrific experiences from their childhood.
Ya I feel ya on that one I feel super ashamed when I read other stories that are similar to mine (like sexual abuse, physical & every type of abuse you could ever think of) & after I read them I think about my own experience about what happened to me & I instantly start thinking about my step Mom!
 
Kinda same here. I don’t always go there but when I do it creates confusing arousal. Also my first O came very young from abuser. Thinking about it gives me very mixed feelings.
The same here. I have been doing EMDR concerning the orgasms I had from anal penetration and I now realize that there are two extremely distinct parts to my life: before the anal orgasms and after the anal orgasms. When I think about the many things we did before that act I don't get excited. When I think about the anal sex he performed many times on me, I can't help but getting aroused. Last night I had a dream about it and I woke up leaking a lot of seminal fluid. This is in spite of me being a heterosexual man. Lots of confusing emotions.
 
So something I’ve always done when I was younger was eroticized my abuse when I was in my teens. He was the only thing I knew. He became my template. One thing that has always frustrated me as an adult and I’ve talk to my T about it a lot was the fact I always viewed my abuse as a positive experience. I can’t switch it in my head. I get so F ing pissed at myself. So hard to let that go

Yes, this. I did the same thing. And into my adulthood even.
 
Same here. I didn't have negative, abusive experiences (I am so sorry for those here that did). I am going to Ayahusca ceremonies this weekend to hopefully dig deeper into this and see how I resolve these feelings that are leaving me in a paradox.
 
So something I’ve always done when I was younger was eroticized my abuse when I was in my teens. He was the only thing I knew. He became my template. One thing that has always frustrated me as an adult and I’ve talk to my T about it a lot was the fact I always viewed my abuse as a positive experience. I can’t switch it in my head. I get so F ing pissed at myself. So hard to let that go
A lot of people seem to identify with this. I do too. I had some negative experiences, but the majority of the abuse was something I viewed as positive at the time. Granted, I hated myself for doing it, but I also looked forward to it at times and eroticized it. That's a big part of the reason I had such a hard time feeling like I belonged here.
 
I not only ended up feeling the abuse as erotically stimulating, I suffered from severe abandonment when he quit the abuse after several years. The complex nature of pleasure/guilt left me very screwed up as an adult.
 
I had some negative experiences, but the majority of the abuse was something I viewed as positive at the time.
When I was thirteen, I lived with three other boys my age in an apartment in the village. Two kids were street kids and me and the other kid were deliverables. We didn't work the streets. I have done this kind of work since I was nine years old. They were high end clients of my owner. I usually stayed the whole night with the john. For me it was my life. We would take showers together, eat supper, and have sex the whole night. my owner would pick me up just before the guy went to work. So, in the morning we took a shower together and sat down and had breakfast together. My clients were most often steady customers. I never really discussed here on MS having sex with older men, but I see there are a lot of guys here on MS who enjoyed the sex. I was always embarrassed to say I enjoyed the sex. There were plenty of times I looked forward to having sex with a steady customer. The only other person I told was my T. Some kids play baseball or football, but I played with older men.

There, I finally admitted it and came out from under the sheets. It has been my life since I was two years old. Except for a tour of duty with USAF I stayed in the life till I was 24.
 
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It's entirely possible to eroticize negative, humiliating experiences, too. It's not something that applies solely to things we remember pleasantly. In fact, being stimulated by painful memories is one of the things I've had to face and work through (and it's still a work in progress). I think...for me...it's partly some subconscious attempt to reconfigure the past and make something bad a bit better, a bit more palatable. I'm still processing and hoping to understand why I do it.

On another note, I'm glad to see this old thread resurfacing and still supplying a place for us to help each other. When I started this thread long ago I came very close to deleting it and had little idea so many would identify and respond. Thanks to everyone for contributing to this conversation!
 
One thing that has always frustrated me as an adult and I’ve talk to my T about it a lot was the fact I always viewed my abuse as a positive experience. I can’t switch it in my head. I get so F ing pissed at myself. So hard to let that go
I understand this fully. For me the fact it was my grandfather and to some extent my mother. There was so much normal good childhood experiences and the abuse was conflating to me. I have said here and to my T i would so much had preferred strangers or them to have been mean and beat me, break bones and such. I know that is messed up to say but for me the mental battle over “well so much was good, i was not alwys in pain, there was pleasure etc“ and knowing it was so wrong and was abuse and it Impacted me in so many ways I feel “my“ life was taken away.
 
We need to differentiate between the abuse based on unequal power and we being so young from the physical pleasure. Sex no matter what or the way we experienced it is very pleasurable. And even psychological. With my uncle it was he gave me so much attention and affection that I badly needed. He was also hhandsome inn his own way and i kind of idolized him.for me at that age was woweew he likes me he is
Having sex with me. I felt elated. Plus I enjoyed sex with him it was pleasurable. I admit it. But was abuse be Use he was older stronger older and wasooki g more for his own pleasure than mine.
 
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Yes it was pleasurable I enjoyed it throughout multiple episodes with people and groups, was I groomed and trained to please others sexually? Yes, should I feel guilty for also receiving pleasure - absolutely not! I have learned this from the many ups and downs of my life. Guilt does not help you move on and accept what happened.
 
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