T feels i need to tell my mom

I have been stress a lot lately not just my mental personal stuff but work also. I ended up with shingles on my head at 49yo. I did not know that was a stress related thing and not age specific. I have not been able to see my T know close to three weeks which i messaged her about my stress and being uncomfortable in not having a session. I am embarrassed i feel i need session every week.

My T messaged ,e back but one thing she said is that she feels i need to talk to my mom at some point, share whith her what i feel. I wa stunned by that. It sort of angered me and upset me. To be honest i have run this sceniro through my mind a lot even before she said tHat.

Here was me response just now to my T.


“If it will be helpful, the time will come for you to talk to your mom. I have run this scenario through my mind for months. In my mind there is the shame i have in like saying hey mom i love you were there for me when i wet the bed, vomiting when i went in to 7th grade, lettering me sleep with her. Oh i loved the comfort in bathing with you and you holding me and touching me. I appreciate you washed my cum rag even in to my 20’s and put it back without bringing up. Yeah i think you knew i had porn mages since like 14 and more stuff in to my 20’s but never brought it up. So yeah mom I appreciate you letting me be a perv.

Oh by the way yeah pawpaw as you knew did stuff with me but to be honest i liked it. At first not really but i got older and did. I dont hate him so yeah i am a perv”

yeah like i want to tell my mom this. i know i am the messed up odd asshole here
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
"Don't believe everything you think"

Smc, in a friendly way, I want to challenge your idea or thought. The thought that you are an asshole, perv or somehow less than anyone. You are a human being and there are people here whom care about you, like me.

You are not those things, unless you believe them. What's powerful is understanding your choice to say those things about yourself. I'm not telling you that you can't think them. Heck, we all think bad things about ourselves. That narrative in our minds is important though! Just saying--don't follow those thoughts more. While I believe the part of your story where you liked it, I don't believe that makes you so different. Abuse is abuse. Being sexualized as a child has developmental affects. We have to understand ourselves and get a sense of what happened to begin our healing journeys. Everyone's different and yet all of us here are together.

If your T is suggesting that, maybe its to help you out of your comfort zone. Or there will be good reason to help benefit your healing process. Maybe you already know this, but it will be on your terms. You have the control over when that happens. Prepare and all you can do is try.

Best of luck in your conversation. I hope this helps, its only (my) suggestions in the end. Feel better bud.

Take care,
Ct
 
I am sorry things are tough right now. If it makes you feel better, I see my T twice a week. This week I can only see him once because I am traveling and I am stressed about. I am not embarrassed about it at all. He is the first person I have ever trusted. He genuinely cares about me, has worked hard to make me feel safe and is helping me get better. That you miss meeting with your T is a good sign. It means it is relationship which is helpful to you. So of course you would miss when you can't see your T.

I ache to see the shame you feel about enjoying it. I ache because I relate to that shame. My CSA was when I was eight by a teenager from down the street. I told my T this week that my constant eroticizing it since could mean that I enjoyed it. In fact perhaps I wanted it to happen and even I pursued him. I don't remember much about the abuse so perhaps that is true. My T was muted in his response but I could he was disappointed in what I shared with him. This stuff is just so confusing.
 
((((((smc))))))))

I hope you can find a way to stop blaming yourself for all of this you were a child and 2 family members abused you. Everyone would enjoy that attention until they realized it is wrong and a serious crime to screw with children like that. I know you love your Mom and your grandpa they need to know the damage they have done to you. All the negative feeling and emotions you are struggling with belong to them for what they did.

I am sorry you are struggling with this it is probably stressing you more I hope you have medication looking after the shingles.

I hope for a better time in the near future for you, for me and for as many others that can get there. Here to support you smc.
 
From where you stand SMC I doubt saying something to your mother would help. Clearly, talking with her isn't going to reduce the shame you carry and releasing that is really the most important thing you can do to reduce stress. It is when we believe there is something wrong with us that we are driven to not make a mistake... and guess what? We all make mistakes so putting pressure like that on ourselves is a recipe for disaster... for stress.

You've taken the sexual trauma inflicted on you by your grandfather to shame yourself. I know what it is like to call myself a pervert. You can imagine what it felt like to compulsively return to XXX rated video arcades over and over again for anonymous sex with men... year after year... ignoring my quite beautiful wife who would have happily shared sexual intimacy with me... but I needed the arcades. It took me a long time to understand all of my sexual acting out with men, with porn, with crossdressing was rooted in the trauma I experienced as a boy. I was sexualized by the experiences and sought pleasure in acting out. That your body responded to what your grandfather was doing is NOT an indictment of you. It doesn't make you a pervert, it makes you a human being. Our bodies respond to sexual stimulation and our body wants more of those feelings. This is what drove me to the video arcades.

We really begin our healing journey when we stop beating ourselves up over what happened to us. Nothing before, during or after the abuse was your fault. You grandfather was a perpetrator and your mother an enabler. You were the innocent victim in this family tragedy... and you deserve kindness and compassion, not the cruel judgment you've been perpetuating. Please be gentle with yourself. You don't need to communicate with your mother but you do need to cut yourself some slack. Thank you for allowing us to offer you support right now. We get to do this for each other and it is an honor. Take care my friend.
 
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I think it would be weird for me to receive a text like this from my therapist. I'd prefer something like this to come up in a session, especially when it's unclear what emotions might come to the surface over it. But, I realize everyone has different levels of comfort on texting and whatnot. Still, I think I'd be uncomfortable having that conversation too. I think I'd probably need to consider it for a few sessions before I acted one way or the other on it, and I guess that leads me to the only thing I have to contribute, which is that you have time to give it thought and revisit the idea with your therapist.
 

KMCINVA

Registrant
I have been stress a lot lately not just my mental personal stuff but work also. I ended up with shingles on my head at 49yo. I did not know that was a stress related thing and not age specific. I have not been able to see my T know close to three weeks which i messaged her about my stress and being uncomfortable in not having a session. I am embarrassed i feel i need session every week.

My T messaged ,e back but one thing she said is that she feels i need to talk to my mom at some point, share whith her what i feel. I wa stunned by that. It sort of angered me and upset me. To be honest i have run this sceniro through my mind a lot even before she said tHat.

Here was me response just now to my T.


“If it will be helpful, the time will come for you to talk to your mom. I have run this scenario through my mind for months. In my mind there is the shame i have in like saying hey mom i love you were there for me when i wet the bed, vomiting when i went in to 7th grade, lettering me sleep with her. Oh i loved the comfort in bathing with you and you holding me and touching me. I appreciate you washed my cum rag even in to my 20’s and put it back without bringing up. Yeah i think you knew i had porn mages since like 14 and more stuff in to my 20’s but never brought it up. So yeah mom I appreciate you letting me be a perv.

Oh by the way yeah pawpaw as you knew did stuff with me but to be honest i liked it. At first not really but i got older and did. I dont hate him so yeah i am a perv”

yeah like i want to tell my mom this. i know i am the messed up odd asshole here
SMC1972

I am sorry you are going through so much. Facing the abuse is difficult and being familial it has to add additional complications to the already frayed relationships. First, it was not your fault, second how you felt as a child about the abuse is wrapped in the familial relationship and your desire to be loved by your family, thus remember you were the child and not the adult. I went back many times to my abuser, I never remember enjoying it, but he would tell me I came back because I liked it. I escaped as he took me, I always felt as though I watching down. Today I know I hated it, I only went back out of fear that no one would believe me. I now know 80% of the people believe me and the remaining 20% are those who have issues they have yet to face.

As for telling your mother, I can only give you my experience and I will never forget it. It was not my mother but my ex wife. I told her and we were at a session with my psychiatrist. She came with a closed mind and erupted and stormed out. She could not face the fact that our son was an abuser and she had continued to allow it. The psychiatrist said she need help and lived with varying degrees of abuse in her life from how her father was treated to the physical and verbal attacks I endured. My ex said to the doctor I know he has problems and she could handle them. The doctor said she needs to see a professional because she contributed to the issues by having left the family. She never did, why because she would have to face several truths. It was devastating for me to live through this. I do not know how your mother will react and be prepared for an outcome of denial but if you do go through with it, I hope the outcome is an admission by your mother of her complicity and she extends support to you. I can say my father reached out on a trip back from his dialysis. He mentioned of a coffee meeting with the guys and one talked of how two of his sons, both altar boys, were abused by a priest. My father asked me, knowing I was an altar boy, asked if anything happened to me. I gave a non response and he said if it did he was here for me. I think he knew from my face and hesitancy but I was not ready. He died before I was ready. When my mother was dying one of her aids said you are Kevin, your mother cried she was not there for you. The aid said she never told the specifics only adding could I ever forgive her for not being there. I believe my father told her of his suspicious. I remember one day when she was well she asked about this priest. I just said yes I remember him and changed the subject. She did not know when it happened because I could not tell. Your mother may surprise you--and I pray she does.

You said something that resonated with me. You were a bed wetter as I was. Everyone thought no water or fluids. After the abuse ended so did this part of my life end. My parents never understood, I would try to hide it, sometimes I succeeded and other times I did not.

You are not a perv because of what you did to cope--porn, etc. You were trying to survive.

Kevin
 
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sorry to hear you are going thru so much stress right now. I don't have any advice to offer. I got shingles when I was about 22 on my scrotum of all places. It was very painful. When I turned 50 I got the vaccine as fast as I could. Its a two shot vaccine and for both injections I felt like I had the flu for 4-5 days. It sucked. But not as bad as shingles.
 

mac80

Registrant
I wish there was some way I could lessen your burden. It seems to me that you carry many other people's burdens out of love and there is nothing at all wrong with that except that it is too heavy for you. None of it belongs to you. It is easier said than done, but sometimes you have to let people carry their own burdens and stop doing it for them
 

mac80

Registrant
Also just as a practical matter I wonder if it's possible you misinterpreted your therapist's message. "If it will be helpful," maybe means just that. It seems to respect the option that it might not be helpful. But you didn't close the quote, so I'm not sure where the text ended. Whatever anyone says it is for you to decide whether it is helpful or not, and only you.
 
I am so glad i received responses. This is a delima a for me i have run his s Ernie through my mind numerous time. But i just see her being crushed. I feel when i do think about it like just standing up for myself screw everyone else’s feelings even in my current relationship. however i just cant hurt others feelings.

My T wants me to wrtite out what i want say. If i choose to share it with her or not, just write it out. Spread it afterwards if i want. I spoke with my mom tonight just superficial stuff, the at her, plants and so forth. In my soul i wanted to blurt stuff out but I didn’t again i dont know if i ever will.

I dont know why i just cant get past all thIs i mean there is the logical part that i get i am not a bad person or a perv as I feel no one here is i for what ever reason cant seem to apply this logic to myself.

I do love my mom, as a normal son loves there parents. Yet there this and even stuff like her knowing i was depressed as a teen yet never did anything more than ask “are you ok” Over and over. No i was not ok i knew i was not right i knew I wanted to be put in to a therapy center. I dont think i fully knew why i just knew i wanted to sent to it.
 
Would it be strange advice from me when I tell you, ask your T about it? Ask for some extra explanation? If it's a good T that isn't a strange question at all. And it would help you understand how the advice was meant and how to interpret and tackle it.
 
SMC

I dont have any great advice, except do what you think will serve you best in the long run. I know secrets are bad. The fewer the better, but weigh the options out. Sometimes it is better to consider others feelings, but don't let anything you do or don't do imped your healing.

I am sorry for what you are going through. I know it is tough. As far as your teen years an wanting therapy, I hear you. That is kinda what I wanted.
 

mac80

Registrant
I am so glad i received responses. This is a delima a for me i have run his s Ernie through my mind numerous time. But i just see her being crushed. I feel when i do think about it like just standing up for myself screw everyone else’s feelings even in my current relationship. however i just cant hurt others feelings.

My T wants me to wrtite out what i want say. If i choose to share it with her or not, just write it out. Spread it afterwards if i want. I spoke with my mom tonight just superficial stuff, the at her, plants and so forth. In my soul i wanted to blurt stuff out but I didn’t again i dont know if i ever will.

I dont know why i just cant get past all thIs i mean there is the logical part that i get i am not a bad person or a perv as I feel no one here is i for what ever reason cant seem to apply this logic to myself.

I do love my mom, as a normal son loves there parents. Yet there this and even stuff like her knowing i was depressed as a teen yet never did anything more than ask “are you ok” Over and over. No i was not ok i knew i was not right i knew I wanted to be put in to a therapy center. I dont think i fully knew why i just knew i wanted to sent to it.
I can relate to the depression part. I had to figure out how to handle depression myself and I was 27 before I even realized what it was. I was 38 when I was diagnosed with ADHD. I'm pretty sure the school psychologists told my mom about these things, but she thought she knew best, and no one told me. I had to figure it out. Took a long time. Writing it down is a good thing. Saying it out loud is a good thing. Sometimes it is not helpful to confront. Sometimes expressing it is enough for yourself. In the end, you know best. Follow your own path and trust yourself.
 

ATR

Registrant
When I got married in my 30s, it was the first time I realized the cost of sparing my mom's feelings. I still couldn't see the cost to me, but I could see the cost to my wife. When it was just me, I would accept the toxic relationship, compartmentalize it in my mind, and pretend it didn't affect the rest of my life. But once I was no longer alone, I couldn't keep my abusive relationship with my mother separate from the "real world" where I tried to live my life, and where I wanted to build a new life with another person.

I had always been good at giving myself physical distance, moving hundreds of miles away, relocating over and over in what I see now as an attempt to get away from my family of origin--but I see now that my mother's abuse always stayed with me wherever I went, so close it felt like my own skin, so close I usually didn't even notice it. But then during a visit to her house, she called my wife alone in a room with her, and exposed herself. When I found out, I was furious in ways I had never been for myself--how dare she try to hurt this person I cherished?

This led to a breaking point. I wrote a letter to my mother, not planning to give it to her, but needing to say what I had never said even to myself. I wrote how much I needed space, time for the new primary relationship in my life, time for myself apart from her.

I cried while writing it, imagining how it would hurt my mother--I loved her, and she had been the center of my (abusive) universe for over 30 years. I never intended to send it, but when I finished writing, with my hands shaking and moving in a daze, I put it in an envelope and sealed it up, wrote her address on the front, and put it in the mailbox to be picked up. It was utterly disorienting, like the vertigo I've heard described on this forum when you tell someone your story. I immediately questioned my decision, but couldn't bring myself to go outside and touch that envelope again.

That was a really important first step for me. A few years later, discussing the guilt and other conflicted emotions I still had over my mother, my therapist gently said, "You gave her 36 years of your life. Don't you think that's enough?" Even now, 15 years later, I still have to remind myself of that question sometimes. But I have my answer, and I am at peace with that.

Everyone's path is different, and every relationship is different. Do what YOU need to do, and find whatever peace you can, a little bit at a time. It will never be perfect--god knows my life isn't--but even a tiny movement in a better direction can lead to a huge difference someday.
 
I dont know why i just cant get past all thIs i mean there is the logical part that i get i am not a bad person
Maybe the reason you can'f get past this is to you it is unfinished business. I like the idea of righting out what you need to get out and not let anyone read it. Just the activity of write it out may give you some peace. I am not sure talking with your Mom is the right thing to do like you say you don't want to hurt her. I think you would like her to know is that what was done with you was wrong and that you yourself are not responsible for it her and your grandpa are the ones that made the mistakes in abusing you. So the blame, shame and the guilty feelings you have are not yours they belong to them.

Take care smc I am here listening to you. I wish for you to find a little peace, you deserve it my friend.
 

mac80

Registrant
When I got married in my 30s, it was the first time I realized the cost of sparing my mom's feelings. I still couldn't see the cost to me, but I could see the cost to my wife. When it was just me, I would accept the toxic relationship, compartmentalize it in my mind, and pretend it didn't affect the rest of my life. But once I was no longer alone, I couldn't keep my abusive relationship with my mother separate from the "real world" where I tried to live my life, and where I wanted to build a new life with another person.

I had always been good at giving myself physical distance, moving hundreds of miles away, relocating over and over in what I see now as an attempt to get away from my family of origin--but I see now that my mother's abuse always stayed with me wherever I went, so close it felt like my own skin, so close I usually didn't even notice it. But then during a visit to her house, she called my wife alone in a room with her, and exposed herself. When I found out, I was furious in ways I had never been for myself--how dare she try to hurt this person I cherished?

This led to a breaking point. I wrote a letter to my mother, not planning to give it to her, but needing to say what I had never said even to myself. I wrote how much I needed space, time for the new primary relationship in my life, time for myself apart from her.

I cried while writing it, imagining how it would hurt my mother--I loved her, and she had been the center of my (abusive) universe for over 30 years. I never intended to send it, but when I finished writing, with my hands shaking and moving in a daze, I put it in an envelope and sealed it up, wrote her address on the front, and put it in the mailbox to be picked up. It was utterly disorienting, like the vertigo I've heard described on this forum when you tell someone your story. I immediately questioned my decision, but couldn't bring myself to go outside and touch that envelope again.

That was a really important first step for me. A few years later, discussing the guilt and other conflicted emotions I still had over my mother, my therapist gently said, "You gave her 36 years of your life. Don't you think that's enough?" Even now, 15 years later, I still have to remind myself of that question sometimes. But I have my answer, and I am at peace with that.

Everyone's path is different, and every relationship is different. Do what YOU need to do, and find whatever peace you can, a little bit at a time. It will never be perfect--god knows my life isn't--but even a tiny movement in a better direction can lead to a huge difference someday.
See SMC, you are not alone : )
 

Garr3ttw

Registrant
I know there's lots of opinions on this so I'm not trying to add to those...but I've been told the same thing before. Not just my mom but my family in general. Everyone's situation is different, so you really need to think through the impact. I've chosen not to. That's just the best option in my situation....for now anyway.
 
So last evening i got myself mentally locked and ready to call my mom. I had it like set in my mind what i woudl say when she answered, mom i want to say some things, please do not respond right away, react or be upset. I am not angry at my papa or you for things i do not hate but i love you both. I know there was no harm meant and i feel that way also. Yes i know it was not appropriate year i know everyone would think i am messed up to say i dont hate either especially papa. Are there things that i am upset at yes are there things i wish would have been different yes. I wish you or dad would have sought help for me wetting the bed. Or hey why was i this terrified kid who could not sleep away from home. Why when you knew as i became a teenage i was depressed but you just asked me what’s wrong and accepted me anger ly saying i am fine. You knew i needed help yet i got None. That hurt me more than anything sexual. I wonder what i could have become as a kid as a teen as a person. Could i have been better in school, could i have made it in college, could i have made life long friendships. The what if stuff has messed with more than anything.

I called her and my sister in law answered her phone so right away i was throne off. My sister in law is a director nurse in neurology at a hospital and i learn my mom is sick. She apparently had a UTI and did not go to the Dr so she was high fever aNed not mentally there and they had just brought her back from the ER. Then today i get a call in the morning in from my brother that they took her back to the ER at 3AM and now she is in CCU. I ldo care about her and love her as a son should love his mom. I know deep down she will be ok but i feel this was God (and i am not that religious) telling me why confront her at this stage in her life. It really will not change a single thing other than destroy her and i do not want to do that.
 

mac80

Registrant
Wow man, I felt your anguish reading this. It was very brave of you to make that phone call. I was also a bedwettter, and depressed. I do not believe that God was telling you not to confront her at this stage in her life. In fact, the things you have to tell her stand between you and her, and talking about it could bring you closer. It could also help her. If she is a loving mother and you are a loving son, it will not destroy her. If I believed in a God and I were in your situation, I would think that God was giving me a break, and rewarding me for being so brave, giving me a second chance. You are right not to do it when she is sick, but a UTI is cured with antibiotics, she will be stabilized. The situation is temporary. If and when your mother dies you will never be able to talk about it. I am sorry If this sounds too much like advice. But I am just so proud of you for making that phone call, And if you feel in your heart that that is what you need to do, I am rooting for you. But once again don't do it because anyone else thinks you should. ((((SMC))))
 
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