suspended

[fightlikehell]

so i hadnt planed on this being as long as it is nor did i plan to get so off my origianal topic, any input is good, Thanks

So I got suspended for the rest of the school year, granted it is only 4 days but it still pretty much sucks. Me and this kid got into it( i instagated)and at my school depending on the severity of the fight stuff is over looked , you get yelled at maybe a detention if its bad. Both me and the kid ended up with a few brusies and I needed stitches, and my teacher knew it was me so the other kid got detention and i got suspened. My brother, Pat, picked me up, and then broke it to my dad, hoping (i guess) that he wouldnt be so mad. My dad really doesnt care about fighting, with six or more boys in the house its bound to happen, but when it " reflects badly on the family " he gets really pissed. So he called me into his office "we talked" which means I sat in a chair he yelled, i got mad, yelled back, he hit me a few times, realized what he was doing told me to go away and went in the kitchen and got a beer.
My brother took me out after that and asked me why i did it in the first place b/c i knew what would happen. And in all seriousness i didnt know how to respond, its just the idea of feeling something that "appeals" to me. I have two extremes, i want to feel absolutly nothing, so i drink or i need to feel something so i get into fights, because I worked hard to get away fom the whole me presonally inflicting pain upon my self thing. Which scares me beacuse I know that my younger brother has been through some stuff similar to the things i have gone through and I dont want him to have the same reactions I have, but refuses he to, or cant aknowledge it,we have talked about it once, but scince then he refuses to say anything about it at all. Where I have found a small amount of solice from talking to my brother about it, in the vaugest terms possible, Conor just wont talk about it at all, and I have been there and it sucks.

- Adam

 

[Trevor]

hi adam, i so know what u mean, i got kicked out of school for picking fights, i always instigated shit too, my stepfather wouldn't do shit but he'd send his kid (my stepbro) after me, tell me if i wanted to fight then it would be here and now, only my stepbro is 5 yrs older then me and he's a big mean fucker so he'd always end up kicking my ass, then the stepfather would say something like "next time you wanna beat up on somebody maybe you'll think twice" but ya im the same, either i dont wanna feel anything and just be numb or i wanna feel pain.
sorry ur having a bad time with it
trevor

 

[roadrunner]

Adam and Trevor,

What you are doing (or did) doesn't surprise me at all. You're both carrying around a lot of anger and of course you have every right to be angry. When that can't get resolved in a way that solves things, it just bursts out in all kinds of other ways, including the one you describe. This is so common, in fact, that one thing social services people look for in suspected abuse cases is fighting at school.

Your feelings about why you do this are also SO often found among abused teenagers. Sometimes the abused teen just feels nothing anymore; that's his defense from what happened to him, he has just blocked it all out. So he gets in fights and does things, perhaps not because he wants to feel pain so much as he wants to feel SOMETHING. In other cases he figures something like this: "Whatever comes next is going to hurt anyway, so at least let it be me who brings it." It's an effort to get control of your life back.

My point here is that you aren't fucked up or weird, you are young abuse survivors behaving exactly like so many others. Parents and others who yell at you and hit you don't understand this.

I hope you will stick with us and talk about things that are bothering you. It DOES help. It's not the whole answer, but it makes a big difference when you see you are accepted, understood and not alone anymore. That's what this place is all about.

Much love,
Larry