Survivors, victims and disclosure - more questions

[kishka06]

These recent topics have made me think, and I don't know the answers to many questions I have. Maybe some of you can help.

Disclosure. About one month into our relationship (we have been in a relationship for 5 months, known each other for 18 months - and are engaged), he told me that he had been molested. I had never had anyone tell me that before, and I didn't know what to say. I wanted to be polite (and not appear nosey), so I didn't ask any questions. Should I have asked about it then? Why did he choose to tell me? By my not asking questions, did I appear (to him) to not be interested in hearing more - he has never brought it up again. How do I get him to open up to me - or is that something that I have to wait for him to do on his own.

Victim vs survivor. I am not sure what stage he is at. Because we have not discussed it since that day, this topic made me think of where he really is. He is unreasonably suspicious of me and what I do, and he shows such intense anger at times. Ken, I read your post on this, and it helped - but also raised my question of what stage he is in.

I did discover something he wasn't ready for me to know, so he is very sensitive to everything right now. How much can I expect him to share with me - or will he ever share anything? I am not sure how to approach him about any of this.

The one thing he did tell me last weekend was that his T advised him he shouldn't discuss any of his therapy with me. That makes no sense -how can I support him through this if he won't talk about anything?

 

[roadrunner]

Kishka,

The fact that he disclosed to you means he trusts you and wants your support. As you two are engaged and are in a relationship, he probably also felt that he needed to be honest about his past, which may involve a lot of guilt and shame issues for him.

I wouldn't feel bad about how you reacted to his disclosure; after all, it wasn't exactly something for which you were prepared. You might tell him now that you have been thinking a lot about what he told you, that you still love him same as before, that it wasn't his fault and that you hope he will talk more about it because that will help him.

I wouldn't think of recovery in terms of identifiable stages, since our circumstances and the way we react to them are all different. A particular issue that is very difficult for me, and thus takes me a lot of time to deal with, might not be so difficult for someone else. Also, I personally find that I can be pretty comfortable about some issues now, and still feel very threatened by others.

It sounds like he is getting into some powerful memories and issues with his T. That may be why he is withdrawn right now. It's difficult to talk to someone else about what's going on and how you feel when everything seems to be hitting you at once.

It's difficult, but I would say just try to hang in there and keep letting him know you are still there for him. Also, do take care of yourself; your issues, feelings and needs are just as important as his.

Much love,
Larry

 

[kishka06]

Hi Larry,
Thank you for your reply. I have been getting a lot of help from reading posts on this site.
I have also ordered the book Abused Boys. I know he is reading it, and he has mentioned it a couple of times and how he would like me to read it too.
We have made a lot of progress in the past 5 weeks.
I will keep reading the posts, and try to learn as much as I can about how to support him, as well as myself.
I feel like I am on a rollercoaster most of the time, but I can't leave someone who has done nothing wrong, and it isn't his fault he has to deal with issues that no one should ever have to.
Kishka

 

[roadrunner]

Hi Kishka,

Another excellent, really outstanding book is Mike Lew's "Victims No Longer". A longer book and a different approach, so have a look at both is useful.

That's it, the rollercoaster. And a lot of work into the bargain. But believe me, it does get better.

Much love,
Larry