Survivors that have always been "shallow"

Survivors that have always been "shallow"
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
Hi everyone,

I'm wondering, am I alone in this? Thinking back over the yrs, my husband has always been "shallow" in our relationship. Lots of small talk, not much eye contact, and even when we'd hold hands, after a little bit he'd always lift his and "drum" or poke at mine as if the intimacy was too much and he had to "play" in an immature way.

Just wondering - I mean, maybe most survivors are only shallow when their "stuff" starts bothering them in their heads, but I believe mine has always had this trait. I wonder if I should be worried.
 
bh ... i don't know if this will just make you feel more worried, but this is exactly how K was and is ... he can stand intimacy for a certain period of time and then starts to pull away ... lately i've been calling him on it and asking why and how he feels and so on ... i think it's complicated and maybe they don't even know yet ... but it does seem to cause uncomfortable feelings ... i don't know if it's shallow or not ... but it's definitely a barrier ...

selene
 
Selene, misery loves company! No, seriously, thanks and yes, it does help to hear others know what I'm talking about here...
 
I know kinda what its like Im as shallow as a kiddy pool, There is no one under the skin. Id give examples but Im never intimant with anyone :(
 
Selene, BH, and usccabum,


Surely it's nothing to do with being shallow, and everything to do with barriers/self protection......


My bf has a lot of these too. There are certain things he's ok with now, like holding hands, cuddling on the couch, stuff like that. The thing my bf has mostly a problem with is eye contact. He'd rather be closer, then he can avoid that. Seems a bit odd to feel ok being really close, but not a slightly(in my mind) safer distance away from total physical closeness?? If I go to do really intimate things, like rub noses, or some other affectionate, loving thing like that, there's always some issue about it. Like last night, I did that and for a split second, he went to join in, then stopped, then explained himself, saying, he wanted to just 'let' me do it, because if he joined in, he'd just take over and end up being too agressive(or something) about it, in an attempt to get 'closer'. I must admit, I felt confused.....there are so many issues like this and I have to admit, I don't have much resilience to it, I kind of give up with things....I feel like I don't understand whatever it is he wants........so many issues.....so impossible to just enjoy loving eachother......


I still don't think it's got anything to do with being shallow....


peace
Beccy
 
For survivors, we can certainly be guilty of building barriers.

But aren't some people this way naturally?

How do we know if it's the abusive background or a natural trait?

I'm this way, and no matter how hard I try I can't alter the way I show or display intimacy and love towards my wife.

I do love her, and she knows it. But I suspect that I might just be cold person, like my mother with whom I share so many things.

Dave
 
the more shallow you are the less deep you can be hurt
 
I suspect that a lot of this is other factors too-- personality, upbringing, probably cultural background too-- I notice a disparity in the amount of hugging and kissing at the homes of my family members of different ethnicities.

If someone from a huggy/kissy type of home saw the way I interact with my siblings, for example, they might not think we are very close. Nothing could be further from the truth-- we love each other deeply and are all great friends-- and if you know us, you can see the hundreds of other ways that we show love for each other that are just less obvious, maybe more "difficult" than hugs and kisses but more comfortable for us.
 
I think I understand how you feel he is being 'shallow'. I feel that way all the time, but it's gradually changing. Don't give up hope.

Shadowkid really summed it up, it's about safety and trust.

Something else I would like to lecture on briefly is what beccy has mentioned here and in other posts about talking about how they feel and acting out how they feel. This was a nightmare for us, all this self-obsession on my part was so damaging. I used to try to keep my wife up to date on my feelings and divulge everything and she just got totally overwhelmed by it all, just impotent in the face of all this grief.

What has helped her immeasureably is educating herself, and I hope she will join this board soon so she can educate herself further and share with all of you. Things changed when I showed her a story of another partner dealing with her husband in the collection of stories called 'Breaking The Silence'.

Since then she has read more and she still has a lot more homework to get through, but that signalled a change in her character. She stopped having to 'struggle' to tolerate me and she began to empathise. She has since opened up about her own sexuality and experiences as a child and we've grown a lot closer.

Anyway I'm sure you're all way ahead of us and you know all this already.
 
Ash, where can I find "the collection of stories called 'Breaking The Silence'." -- was this on this website or in a book or....?
 
https://www.asca.org.au/news/news_rreading.html

It's put out by the above organisation. I'll post more when I can find where to get the actual book. I found it in the abuse section of the local library.
 
I don't like showing affection (holding hands / kissing)to my wife or anyone else in "public", it's all about not wanting to draw attention to myself. I still have it after many years, I guess I'm still that scared little boy in some ways.

As a kid I'd hide right in plain sight, never wanted attention or close scrutney, I felt that if anyone ever looked too close, they'd see the shame in me.

I'd say don't take it personally, but I know it affects you personally, sorry...
 
Who wouldnt be shallow, when you have to think 24/7 abuse from being a kid!
We need to get things straight, a survivor takes a whole load to just trust somebody.
You know why? Because most of us have chosen the wrong ppl to trust.
We think that if we let everything go on one partner, they may leave, and then its start again.
Sometimes you just say, give up, dont even try, this girl is just going to dump the garbage she has found.
Some of the greatest men and boys, even women, have passed through these forums with so many problems, but shallow? NO!
When it is a massive problem, we dont like to saddle it on anybody but ourselves.

Skip the shallow for deep, and you get the picture,

ste
 
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