Survivor's Strength

Survivor's Strength

CarbonTiger

Registrant
Trigger warning for those who are not ready to read this.

((I feel vulnerable & I was scared to post this))
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Well, there are tears in my eyes. I suppose this is what I wanted right? To cry. To be able to be free from feeling this way or that way.

I've prayed long enough. Waited even longer for an answer. There is no answer but silence. Most days that is a beautiful thing. Right now, in this very moment, its night time. I am exhausted from holding back, hanging on and getting by.

I have survived and I am a survivor of CSA and violence. I have also survived so much more, including 2 near death experiences last year during a worldwide pandemic. But, I couldnt imagine a world this cold now that I have been left behind by my protector. My mother, I still grieve because I believed in you. Mom, Life's lesson is cruel and shallow.

I can accept that you are gone now but why must I tell this story on my own. To save whom? How can I save myself from entering his bedroom door and being trapped there in a locked room, like a tiger in a cage. How can I rescue my little one, so that I can help the rest of them? I understand that maybe I can't save them too. I can only save myself. And, I will!

I'm not a fucking hero and I cannot do *that*

Why God? Why do I have to bare such a burden? Maybe you've heard my recent whispers, neigh are they black or white. Grey.

or gray, even. You know the words I whisper. I say them in case you can hear me. I want to believe but the child that was left alone with the devil is simply lonely. He whispers softly too. I know the difference because my eyes are ancient. They see through the creature that is persistent. Satan after all is a petulant child that never grew up. Does it deserve pity?

The night "he" appeared before me he tried to overcome me. I fought my way through that night in Connecticut and lived to tell about it. Fuck that and the drugs prescribed by my useless Doctor. Come for me again, this time I will be more than ready to go head to horns.

That's right, as crazy as it sounds I am fucking calling Satan out. You look in these eyes I was given and I'll choke the very being out of you. Like the day my perp tried to choke me. How could I forget that anger cast upon me?

Why do I need to write these words as I cry? As I feel such shame and disregard for my own time on earth. Speaking of time, I know that its relative. I can no longer relate when I have to disassociate.

I guess I need to dig deeper... I have to find a better way to live the rest of my life. This short time on earth, I know life is a gift. I know. This one has not felt that way for me for a long time, i'm sorry. I'm ready for my happy ending though. The story book kind. Not the hero's kind but just the kid that gets a second chance. The kid that got left behind. The one who stayed because he was naive. The one that missed their only opportunity. There's no reason for such vile things to happen to innocence. How could it happen like that!?!?!?

Fear not... for where there is a will, there is a way. That little one was strong enough to protect his own family. May he be protected and saved in his time of need.


Thanks for reading. I got all of this out so I can try to have an ounce of sleep. The sleep I so desperately need. I sincerely hope that all of you get rest, heal, find stregth to carry on. That you seek safety in those that love you. That you are comforted when feeling vulnerable: And most importantly, that you feel love for yourself. I have felt those things, very deeply. I also have felt despair, darkness and extreme fear. While all of this may be apart of the human condition, its only temporary. In time...

Cheers, to strength in the best of times and in our worst of them too. I love you.

-Ct
 
But you found the courage to post this. Thank you for doing so. Every little bit of clarity helps and we deserve to have our lives back. Ever courageous step we take helps us and others. - HL
 
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