Survivors of multiple abusers?

[traveler]

I feel like when you have a single abuser, you can turn your pain outwards. You can point at something or someone and say that is the root of your trauma. But when you have two, the missing link between everything that happened is you. I can't think "that person is evil, they ruined me". I have to think instead "this is what I have suffered". It turns all the pain and anger inwards and makes me feel like I'm the problem.

Thanks for raising this topic. I have never seen it discussed before. Some things are starting to make more sense to me now. I had three periods and categories of abuse. First was a step-dad who was most active when I was 5-12. Second was peer abuse by groups when I was 11-13 in middle school and Scouts. Third was one-off by a stranger when I was about 15. Each type of abuse and type of perpetrator and age level when I experienced it caused me to have different reactions and effects - emotional and mental. This whole complicated situation is something I will need to reflect on at more length.

 

[redhouse]

Thanks for raising this topic. I have never seen it discussed before. Some things are starting to make more sense to me now. I had three periods and categories of abuse. First was a step-dad who was most active when I was 5-12. Second was peer abuse by groups when I was 11-13 in middle school and Scouts. Third was one-off by a stranger when I was about 15. Each type of abuse and type of perpetrator and age level when I experienced it caused me to have different reactions and effects - emotional and mental. This whole complicated situation is something I will need to reflect on at more length.

I'm very glad that so many survivors are being able to share their experiences and relate to eachother here. I have also never seen this being brought up, but, apparently, many of us have gone through something similar. Something that might help not just you, but also all the men on this thread, is reading about C-PTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder). I'm not well versed on this topic yet, but I hope to learn more about it in the future and possibly help some people by directing them to good resources.

 

[redhouse]

due to several instances, it feels like I had multiple childhoods if that makes sense. I keep things separated from each other so it feels disjointed. When I try to tie all the abuse together I tend to get lost in myself. And the constant self doubt. people responded with such skepticism that even I try to pretend it's not real. Or think what I did for it to happen again. Anyway, that's been my experience with it. Sorry you're suffering through it.

It does make sense. I can relate a lot to what you're saying. This is what our brain does when something is too extreme for us to handle. It fragments itself and it's memories, because when you tie them all togheter, it all becomes extremely painful. It is not your fault, you were just a child trying to survive.

 

[redhouse]

5 …. My brother was the first. He invited the neighbor boy and the hairdresser guy. I was 9-13 1/2.The scout camp at 15 1/2. I was stalked and raped, only way to put. I don’t know what made me stand out except I shouldn’t have gone to camp alone. It made me a convenient target . And the final although I don’t know who it was. At a keg party I was blacked out. I can only think it was because I had dared tell someone I liked them couple weeks before I had just turned 16. They’re still all confusing to me. I remember each as I’m standing there now. Watching except the blackout. I only remember after. I don’t know. Peace Billy

I'm sorry about everything you went through. Abusers often go for people who they percieve as vulnerable. But, most of the time, it is about access and opportunity. It could very much be that it wasn't something in you, but rather the enviroment being unsafe and providing them chances to commit those acts. Either way, it was not your fault. Wishing you peace

 

[raffa_will_fight]

it feels like I had multiple childhoods if that makes sense. I keep things separated from each other so it feels disjointed.

Huh. Exactly. Probably having no access to my emotions at the time (which is starting to change as emotional and physical memories have started), helped with this. One is my childhood.
The other is of the little boy I don’t remember, but now start to remember. And as soon as I get back in that little body, my brain stops, hides or changes or get whatever is too much out of the memory.

 

[Blessedcurse]

Huh. Exactly. Probably having no access to my emotions at the time (which is starting to change as emotional and physical memories have started), helped with this. One is my childhood.
The other is of the little boy I don’t remember, but now start to remember. And as soon as I get back in that little body, my brain stops, hides or changes or get whatever is too much out of the memory.

This reflects my experience too. It also makes it very difficult to talk about

 

[raffa_will_fight]

I also remember the man who gave me a black eye and a fat lip because he said he was tired of feeling my teeth.

This is just brutal. I don’t get how this thought could ever cross a man’s mind while looking at a 8 year old child.
This breaks my heart

 

[Life changed at Nine]

I had three periods and categories of abuse. First was a step-dad who was most active when I was 5-12. Second was peer abuse by groups when I was 11-13 in middle school and Scouts. Third was one-off by a stranger when I was about 15. Each type of abuse and type of perpetrator and age level when I experienced it caused me to have different reactions and effects - emotional and mental. This whole complicated situation is something I will need to reflect on at more length

Also one that had 3 separate phases of being sexually molested. First was an older kid groomed me when I was 9. Then a threat of violence one time sexual assualt at 11. Then something put in my drink as a young adult on a short term military active duty tour. They screwed me up in different ways some overlap and some not. It does make for a complicated situation.